Page 56 of Disgrace

“Peitra?” I blow out a breath. I feel hot and a little queasy. My arms slide from the table and drop heavily at my side. They feel all wrong, so heavy. Peitra lifts my hand, and in my mind I yank it out of her hold but nothing happens.

“No, Sam,” she repeats slowly as if speaking to a small child. “I’m really sorry foryou.” She slips the cuff Jason gave me from my hand and I shout at her and pull free. Only I don’t…I don’t move, maybe I slip a little further down in my seat but that is all I manage.

I feel exhausted. Maybe if I have a nap now, when I wake, I will be able to slap that bitch up. It feels like someone has placed large, fuzzy muffs over my ears. I can’t hear exactly what’s being said. I don’t recognise the words, and I am having trouble focusing on anything because everything is as fuzzy as the sounds I hear and everything is moving. The last image of hanging bulbs bright above me dissolves to blackness.

“Sandy, my brother is meeting me for a late lunch. Don’t let him go walking around the other departments firing people like he did last time. Daniel didn’t find that amusing, and I could do without the icy glares that took months to die down.” Sandy grimaces and nods, fully appreciative of the chaos Will had created the last time he visited me at headquarters. He may be a respectable scientist on the other side of the pound, but here he tends to delight in causing carnage at my expense.

“Will do, Mr Sinclair. Would you like security to keep him downstairs?” She bites her lips to hide her smile. Will also managed to bypass security and reset my clearance with his own fingerprint. He was only in the building for ten minutes.

“No, I don’t want him anywhere near security. Just let him come straight to my office. But make sure he takes the express lift. Get Eddie to accompany him to be safe.” I pointedly raise a knowing brow, and she nods in agreement.

“Good idea. I will call down to the front desk to make sure they know to expect him.” I turn and notice my office door is closed.

“Is there someone in my office, Sandy?”

“Not that I’m aware, but then I have been in a department meeting for the last half an hour. Would you like me to check?” She pushes back from her chair, but I wave my hand for her to remain seated.

“No, its fine.” I flash her an easy smile that always causes her cheeks to pink. She is an attractive woman in her late fifties, still turning heads and fiercely protective of me. As gatekeepers go there is no one better. I bet that feisty attitude keeps her husband on his toes. I smile thinking of my own someone keeping me on my toes.

“Would you like a coffee?” She interrupts my wayward thoughts.

“That would be great, thank you.” I turn and walk to my door. The handle squeaks, and I push the door wide. Peitra is standing by my desk and nearly jumps a clear foot in the air with shock. Her face is a flash of panic but settles into an awkward, fixed smile. It’s her last day, and I can’t say I’mnotrelieved at the notion that she will be leaving the company permanently.

“Mr Sinclair.” She smiles quickly but still looks nervous. I glance around the room to check for something amiss. The room has minimal furniture as it is, and I have a clear desk policy, so there are no loose papers with confidential information I need to be concerned with. My laptop is on the desk but it is closed and has fingerprint security. My jacket is hanging over the back of my chair but my wallet is in my trouser pocket. I don’t know why I feel the need to do this mini inventory. I don’t believe she is a thief, but I also don’t entirely trust her, either. I walk around my desk and sit down. I subtly check the weight of the pockets on my suit jacket. I lift my phone free from the inside pocket and flip it open. No missed calls, no messages and no dialled numbers. I snap it shut and fix Peitra with an impassive stare.

“Is there some specific reason you are in my office with the door closed?” She flashes a timid smile, and she won’t hold eye contact. If I wasn’t so suspicious, I might put that down to her being intimidated or uncomfortable that our last interaction wasn’t pleasant. But I read people, and that’s not it at all. She is really nervous.

“I tried to catch you before your morning meeting, but I must have just missed you anyway, Um…well, I wanted to thank you, and I wanted to apologise.” She rushes her words, her hands are clasped in front of her, threaded together and twisting. Her feet shuffle like she can’t physically keep still. She is clearly anxious to leave, but shechoseto come here. She could’ve said what she wanted to say in an email, as if reading my inscrutable face and mind, she starts to talk.

“I realise I could’ve put this in a letter, but I wanted to say it to your face.” She struggles to swallow, and I almost feel sorry for her obvious disquiet. “However awkward and painful it is, and believe me, this is really painful.” She tries to laugh, but it falls flat. She shakes herself and straightens her back. “I behaved appallingly and I hope you can forgive me.” She nods to punctate and finish her point.

“It’s not my place to forgive you, Peitra.” I narrow my glare.

“No, no, I know, and I hope in time Sam will be able to forgive me.” Her eyes drop to her hands, but her lips start to curl. She is beginning to really piss me off.

“I wouldn’t hold your breath.” I snap. Her eyes widen with surprise, maybe she is genuine, but more than likely, she is looking for another opportunity. I won’t make that mistake again. “Is there anything else?” I have already dismissed her in my mind as I open up my laptop and swipe my finger to unlock the screen.

“No, nothing at all. Just if in the future…” She pauses, her soft breathy statement hangs pungent in the air. I fix my incredulous glare, and she withers a little.

“What the fuck! Seriously?” I glower. She hurries for the door, but her parting remark is as snide as it is cryptic.

“Things change, Jason.” The door slams and I actually sink back in my chair relieved that she’s gone.

“Can I get you gentleman anything else?” The young waiter with the trimmed goatee and full sleeve tats has read back our lunch order but I am just checking my phone, leaving Will to confirm our selection.

“Just drinks, two beers and a vagina for my brother.” He addresses the waiter with a level voice and a deadpan delivery. I look up at Will, who is looking in all seriousness at the waiter. The waiter has lifted his pen from his pad mid word. I can see from here he was well on his way to writing the word vag when it must have registered what he was writing.

“I’m sorry sir, what was it you wanted?” His face is a picture of confusion, poor guy.

“Oh, my mistake. You see my brother here has turned into a massive teenage girl and all that’s missing is the actual vagina.” The waiter grins, and I reach over and discreetly nut punch Will, wiping the grin from his face and bringing a slew of tears to his eyes. I turn to face the waiter while my brother coughs and curses, but he has made a hasty retreat.

“You’re so fucking funny, Will. You know that waiter actually started writing that down. You’re such an arse.” I go to flick the cover on my phone for the hundredth time but stop myself when I catch a glance of his righteous and overtly smug face.

“Truth hurts, baby brother, but I can’t say I blame you. She is smoking hot.” Will takes the beer the waiter places in front of him and downs half in one go. I do the same and exhale. He is partially right; she probably hasn’t even finished her interview yet. She promised she would call when she was done. I just don’t want to miss her call in case she doesn’t get the job and needs me. It’s crazy to think she wouldn’t get the position, but I still don’t want to miss her call. I absently tap the closed phone cover. The volume is on high and vibrate so I won’t miss her call.

“She’s all that and more.” I take another sip of the iced beer that is sliding down way too easy for this time of the day.

“Yeah, I’m getting that.” Will flashes a brilliant wide smile. His tan is much darker than mine. All those hours in the Florida sun counting turtles or fish or whatever the fuck he does. “I’m happy for you man, but how long are you gonna last in a one on one relationship?” he challenges with a tilt of his head and a knowing smile. Apart from a few years Will spent in the wilderness, we are tight. I trust him with my life, and he knows me. He may not share my tastes to the same extent, but he is far from vanilla.

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