Page 37 of Disgrace

“No details then. We talked…after we’d settled things like adults, that is.” I wiggle my brows. “He apologised and said it wouldn’t happen again. I explained that, despite all evidence to the contrary, I am, in fact, a very jealous person, and if he were serious, he needs to be mindful. I honestly didn’t think I was but—”

Sofia scoffs her interruption. “I’d like to say you have nothing to worry about, but as far as Peitra is concerned, she is very ambitious, and she’s had her sight set on Jason for a while.” She takes a slow sip of her Porn Star cocktail, and I meet her serious gaze. My stomach knots, and I feel a little sick. The super sweet drinks swirling on my empty stomach aren’t helping.

“I have to trust him, Sofs. If I don’t, we have nothing.” My voice catches, and she leans across to squeeze my hand as I anxiously tear my napkin to shreds.

“Sam,” Bethany’s voice is full of concern. “I promise you can trust Jason. He’s a good guy, and he is smitten with you. Not that anyone would blame him. Daniel told me just last week, he had never seen Jason act like he does when he is with you, and he has known him a long time.” Her smile is wide and warm.

“Oh, God, I don’t mean anything like that. Jason loves you.” Sofia gushes. I roll my eyes at her sweet but overly simplistic and deeply romantic filter on all things. I let her nonsense slide. She continues, but her tone is more serious. “Peitra on the other hand, well every family has a ‘Peitra’, I suppose.” She air-quotes the name, highlighting my concern here and gives an apologetic shrug. A sombre blanket cloaks our booth. We all reach for our glasses, and I decide to raise a toast.

“Here’s to fucked up family and fabulous friends!” The mood lightens when we all clink glasses. Sofia and Lili disappear to fetch fresh drinks and Bethany slides round to my side.

“I’m glad you came, Bets, but I am a little surprised Daniel let you out on Valentine’s Day.” I nod to her fit-to-burst round tummy.

“Oh, don’t worry, he’ll be here shortly. I pulled the ‘I’m going crazy and I’ll take you with me’ pregnant wife card. I am hoping he’ll chill a little when the baby is born.” She snickers at my incredulous expression. “Yeah, maybe not.” She notices my hand fiddling with the platinum cuff Jason gave me this morning. “Jason?” she queries and I follow her gaze to my wrist.

“Oh, yes,” I self-consciously place my hands flat on the table, and Bethany reaches for my hand. “Valentine gift. I thought because we were out tonight we weren’tdoingValentine’s Day but apparently…” My voice drifts.

“He must like you very much, Sam.” She waggles her own wrist, her cuff glinting in the spotlight above our table. “I got mine last Valentine. They have to be specially made.” Her eyes sparkle with the reflection.

“I really like him, too.” My chest aches and I get a surge of nervous knots.

“Hey don’t sound so sad. Surely that’s a good thing?” She covers my hand with hers and grasps it tight. My lips try to smile.

“I feel exposed. I don’t do vulnerable, Bets…not anymore.” I lean forward so I don’t have to shout. The background noise has increased with the number of bodies now filling the room.

“You’re only vulnerable if the person you’re with can’t be trusted. Do you trust Jason?” Bethany questions my reservations.

“I do.” I reply without hesitation.

“That’s a good start.” She laughs lightly, squeezing my hand tightly before releasing it.

“Marriage certainly suits you.” Her smile is impossibly wide and infectious. She happily rubs the swell of her tummy, and I get a warm burst of something intense inside. I had always shied away from the notion that a happily ever after was anything but a myth. But when the evidence is sitting beside me I can’t help but bask in the glow and hope some of that fairy tale might filter my way.

Daniel appears at our booth just as Sofia and Lili return with an ice bucket of champagne for us and a soft drink for Bets. Sofia hands Bets’ drink over.

“There you go, sweetie, double vodka and cranberry…you’re drinking for two remember.” Sofia tries in vain to hide her mischievous grin, and Bets drops her head in her hands as Daniel swipes the drink from Sofia’s grasp.

“Hello, Daniel, I didn’t see you there.” She smiles sweetly. He narrows his eyes. His lips are thin and pinched as he carefully places the now tasted drink in front of his wife.

“Good evening, Sofia,” He almost growls her name before addressing the rest of us more smoothly. “Good evening ladies, are you having a good time?” He perches beside his wife, his long arm draped protectively across her shoulders. She leans against his shoulder as we all chat comfortably. The music has started to get loud and people are starting to emerge from the private booths and join the growing number of dancers on the floor. My feet start to twitch and I have enough alcohol in me to throw some serious shapes. I nod at the girls and point toward the floor. Sofia and Lili grab their bags but Bets yawns and slaps her hand over her mouth as her cheeks flush with embarrassment.

“Come on, baby, let’s go home.” Daniel lifts her from the seat and sweeps her straight into his arms. Lili rushes over to hug her. “Thank you for coming, Bets. I think we should do this every Valentine.” Bethany grins at a scowling Daniel, and I laugh.

“I’m sort of with Daniel on that one Lili.” I nudge her. “I’m not sure if Jason wasn’t working whether I would be here at all…no offence.”

Lili shrugs and mock swoons. “Yeah, I don’t think I would be either if I was dating Jason.”

My own laugh falters when I catch the deep frown on Daniel’s face and the brief look that passes between him and a confused looking Bethany. A shared silent moment, I am positive had nothing to do with Lili’s proposition and everything to do with my comment.

I suddenly don’t feel like hitting the dance floor, my stomach churns and I turn to race for the ladies. I bolt the door just in time, as every drink I have consumed in the last few hours hits the toilet bowl.

My knees are numb from the hard marble ground, my knuckles ache from clinging to the rim of the toilet like it’s my only anchor to the world which is spinning wildly around me. I didn’t think I had drunk that much. I know I didn’t, but I feel sick in my soul. I hear the door swing several times as women come and go, but after a while, it goes quiet. There is a tentative knock on my cubicle door.

“Sam…are you in there?” Lili knocks again.

“I think I had a bit too much. I don’t usually drink and those cocktails were lethal.” I offer a laugh, but it falls flat. Lili doesn’t seem to notice.

“Oh, sweetie, I’m sorry. I’ll get you some water; you stay here with Sofs.” I hear the door close once more.

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