Page 38 of Disgrace

“Hey Sam, are you okay? Did something happen? You were fine one minute.” She mutters, “Bets had to leave, but she looked worried are you—” The noise from the club drowns out her concern as the door lets another someone in.

“I thought that was you. Sofia, what are you doing here? Is Paul with you?” I hear Sofia suck in a sharp breath, but my stomach retches so my focus is elsewhere, besides, I don’t recognise the voice. I just concentrate on keeping my hair from either falling into the bowl or draping along the equally disgusting floor. I freeze at the next word.

“Peitra.” Sofia’s voice is pitched with surprise.

I bite back the liquid that is pooling in my mouth and hug my knees to my chest. My whole body is chilled and trembling.

“What are you doing here?”

“Date,” she gushes.

“I didn’t know you were seeing anyone.” Sofia’s tone drops, and I find I am holding my breath and more.

“Oh, it’s only been a few weeks, and it’s very hush-hush. It’s against company policy, and he’s a bit of a stickler for rules.” She sighs. “Doesn’t stop him fucking me rigid on his desk after hours, mind.” Her high-pitched giggle is enough to induce a fresh bout of vomiting, but I am just dry heaving myself raw. I am empty, fitting really. I grab a fistful of tissue and wipe my lips. I close my eyes and let the pain wash over me, my chest heaves, and I feel like a blade is slicing my heart into slivers, slow and agonising.

“Who Peitra…who are you dating?” Sofia’s tone is sharp but the reply is sing song sweet and unaffected by Sofia open hostility.

“Ah ah…hush-hush for the time being. I’ll introduce you soon enough.” I hear her air kiss and leave. I pull the handle and flush the toilet. Sofia is standing against the sink, her hands are clasped tight and her face is etched with sadness.

“It might not be Jason.” She steps toward me, but I halt her with my hand and a silent shake of my head. I gaze at the mirror and hang my head to my chest because I don’t recognise that shell staring back at me.

I whisper. “But we both know it is.”

“I’m so—”

“Don’t Sofs…please don’t. I’ll be fine. Just give me a minute to get cleaned up, and I’ll be right out.” I flash a bright smile that doesn’t even remotely conceal my devastation. Sofia tries again to comfort me, but I shake my head and pinch my eyes tight. The unstoppable tingles threaten to break. I don’t want to break, not here.

“I don’t believe it. I’m going to check.” She turns and leaves before I can stop her. I glance at my reflection. My face is puffy with blotchy red eyes from the violent heaving. My hair is a straggly mess and looking down, my bare legs are mottled with whatever was on the floor. I dread to think of what it was. I start cleaning myself and make a pretty good effort by the time Sofia has returned with Lili just behind. Sofia doesn’t need to say a single word her face is a reflection but a fraction of my own heartbreak. I take the water Lili is holding and drink it down. I flash a quick smile, which is plastered over gritted teeth. My makeshift mask.

“I don’t know what to say Sam.” She looks nervously between me and Lili. “What are you going to do?”

I twist my bright red lipstick up and carefully apply to my slightly swollen lips. Pressing them together, I turn and straighten myself. My skin-tight black leather vest dress hugs my curves; my cleavage is not to be missed, and I now have my red lipstick armour.

“I’m going to rip his bollocks off.”

I approach the private area and face the booth Sofia had indicated, but I can’t move forward. Even from this distance I can see Peitra is pressed against him, her hand grabbing him beneath the table. His face registers surprise or shock, his brows furrow, but he doesn’t make another move. His eyes meet mine. Now that expression is definitely shock.

“Sam!” Jason calls, pushing Peitra’s hand from his lap. He makes to stand but freezes at my deathly glare and sinister smile. I will my feet to move and stop just before the unhappy couple. My pulse is racing, and my mouth is suddenly dry.

“Sam, this is Peitra, my intern.” Jason attempts to make introductions, I can see by the slow movement in his throat that he is struggling to swallow. Palpable tension lies thick between us.

“Oh, I know who she is, Jason.” I snarl his name. He recoils and takes a moment to recover.

“Right, and Peitra, this is Sam, my girlfriend.” His voice is calm but his face is etched with uncertainty. I raise my brow high but snap to look at Peitra when she speaks.

“The whore,” Peitra offers her hand with a sardonic smile.

“Peitra, fuck!” Jason shouts out, his mortification matching his fury. “You apologise right now!” She withers at his furious glare, visibly shrinking in her seat. I stretch and lean over, my face only inches from hers. Her eyes are wide with panic.

“It’s all right,sweetheart.” I glance back at Jason keeping my tone cold and laying a heavy emphasis on my most hated choice of nickname. I turn back to address Peitra pinching her chin between my fingers. We glare at one another.

“But you should know this, little girl…I’m not justanywhore. I’m thebest.So when he fucks you, remember that it isn’t your nails he will feel dragging down his back, it isn’t your taste he craves on his tongue,Peitra.” I release her chin and pat her cheek with as much condescension as I can place in a palm. “It isn’t your submission that brings him to his knees, and it never will be.” I hold her stunned gaze for a moment longer before Peitra pulls away. Jason tries to grab my arm as I brush lightly past him. I fight to hold the anger, the hurt, any emotion that would reveal my utter devastation inside. I want to run, push and fight my way out, away from them, but I don’t. I float with an eerie air of calm and disquiet.

“This isn’t what it looks like Sam.” My glare at his touch fails to have the desired effect when Jason tightens his grip.

“It never is, Jason.” I spit his name, my voice catches as I try to break free of his hold. “Let me go, or you’ll be wearing your bollocks as earnings for the rest of your life.” My words are filled with vitriol but my eyes glaze all the same. I hate that he has done this. I abhor that it hurts so much, and I hate that I am going to break in front of him and her. I take a stuttered breath, squeezing my eyes tight to stop the tears falling.

“Oh, my God, she’s going to cry!” Peitra cackles out a bitter laugh that is like a sharp slap to my face. I am strangely grateful, because the sadness instantly disintegrates. Jason releases me, his expression a mix of anger at Peitra and—What is that look? Despair, confusion, guilt?—I’m going to go with guilt. I step back, my head high and not a tear in sight.

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