Page 66 of Cougar

“Yes, Theo. I will always love you and be yours,” she says as she starts crying again.

She picks up my shirt and pulls it to her face, taking in a deep breath before slipping it on. She crawls into bed on my side—surrounding herself with what’s left of me. I hope Billy is with her mom right now, allowing her to break down before she has to talk to him about all of this, if she hasn’t already.

Blinking rapidly, I realize I’m crying right along with her. Once again, I have the urge to hold her, so I attempt to move, and this time, I can. I crawl into bed on her side, facing her.

“I want you to love again,” I whisper. “I want you to find that big love that accepts Billy and the fact that I’m your past while they’re your future. I want you to be happy and loved, and please, please, sweetheart, don’t dwell on this.”

I reach out to touch her, but before I can, I am snapped back to another bright room. I look around and see him—my best friend is in a hospital bed. Elvira is sitting at his side with her head in her hands. Her shoulders are shaking in what I can only assume are sobs. My breath catches in my throat.

I spin and look around the room, and when I stop, flashes of the night come back to me. Mallory, the gun going off, and both of us dropping.

“No,” I whisper. This can’t be real. He cannot come with me. I start looking for any other signs of my best friend having to come with me. He needs to be alive. She can’t lose us both. He needs to stay in that bed and wake up. Ken has to see all his grandbabies grow up. He needs to help raise mine and be the voice of reason they all need. He still has to help guide Jonny to becoming an even better leader.

Somehow, I am able to rush to the bed. Once at his side, I try to figure out how to slap the life back into him. We both can’t leave them all. I know he will be broken with me gone, but he is stronger than me. He also has Elvira. She will help in every way she can. He needs to live.

“El,” a soft but gruff voice tears from the lifeless-looking man on the bed.

Thank God.

“Ken,” Elvira’s watery voice answers. I know why she is crying. He doesn’t know.

“Theo?” He croaks.

“Ken, the doctors want to talk to you about a few things first.” She gets up and starts to fret over him. Helping him adjust the bed to sit up, moving the pillows, and handing him a cup to sip from.

He knows that move as well as I do. We’ve been a trio for so many years. We know each other’s tells. This was one of Elvira’s. When she needs to tell him something she knows will break his heart, she fusses with everything around, trying to delay the inevitable.

First when RJ joined the military, then when Ellie decided to go to school out of state. His kids are everything to him, and it killed him when he couldn’t keep them close to keep them safe. But this is something more. It’s so much worse than his kids leaving, and seeing the look in his eyes, he knows.

“No.” Ken wheezes out. El gently wraps herself around the love of her life while he cries hard. She tries to hold him together, but no matter how much she tries, he’s shattered. I would give anything to take away all the pain from him.

After what seems like forever, he pulls back and looks at his wife. This allows me to see she is just as broken as him. “How?” he asks.

“He had a stroke while in surgery. They can’t explain how, but he has no brain activity. They want the next of kin to sign forms to donate his organs, but I’m the power of attorney. Which is good, because I don’t think Manda could handle this,” she says, looking down at his hands. Then it hit me. They told her about my directive because of something I put in place years ago.

“This wasn’t supposed to happen. He saved Mallory. He found her and brought her home. He’s supposed to be here. Not leaving me,” Ken says, breaking down again. He hiccups before he speaks again, “But how do they expect me to sign the forms that officially kill my best friend? My brother?”

“They don’t, and neither did Theo.” Elvira reaches over, grabbing the forms I didn’t see at the bedside table. “He knew when it came down to it; I would do what’s right for him. He knew that I would know that no matter how much I want to keep his body here for you, I would do the right thing for him and his soul.

“I’ve already signed the documents, and the doctors have their copies. This is for my personal records. Because you’re awake, they’re going to turn off his life support in twenty-four hours. I told them that you deserved to say goodbye to him. The countdown to turn the machines off started the moment you woke up.”

“Why would you do this? Why didn’t you wait to talk to me?”

“Because it wasn’t what he wanted, Ken. I’m doing what he asked of me. I promised him years ago that I would do what was best for him. I…” she pauses to catch her breath. Tears are streaming down her face as she tells him the truth of what I asked her to do all those years ago.

“I hate this, Ken. I do. But he isn’t coming back. Keeping him on those machines for our benefit isn’t fair. His soul needs to find peace, and it will never be able to do that if we force him to stay here. I know you’re upset with me, but please, don’t think I’ve condemned him to death. I’m only doing what he wanted.”

Ken lifts his hands and holds her face as he brings her forehead to his.

“I know how much you love his crazy ass. I know you wouldn’t do this if there was a chance.” He lets out a broken sob and pulls her harder into him.

Then with a flash, everything begins to fast-forward around me as I stand still. I’m now back to the room my body is in. Ken, Elvira, Manda, all my brothers and their Ol’ Ladies, and Natasha all stand around me. Before they start shutting machines down, the doctors tell them all what they’re doing and how my body will react. Ken is holding one of my hands, Elvira is holding him, and Manda is holding my other.

You know I love you,” Ken says to Elvira.

“I know,” she replies as she smiles weakly.

“But he was my soulmate, El.”

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