Page 67 of Cougar

“I know, Ken. I know.”

She lays her head on his shoulder as they both cry. She’s anchoring him more than she realizes. I can feel the tug on my heart. Somehow, the shattered, completely obliterated organ is back in my chest, and the strings that connect us are pulling tighter, ready to snap. When the doctors hit the power button on the first machine, the strings do snap, and I am back in the waiting room.

Why am I back here? I should be down there with them. I need to be with them! I need to stay there and watch them, help them get better, and be happy again!

That rage I felt before? It’s back in full force. And this time, nothing stops me. I pick up chairs and throw them. I try and break the wall where the projection was—attempting to get out of this too-bright hellhole. I need to go back there and be with them. They need to know I’m okay and that I am here with them still!

“It’s not fucking fair!” I scream out, tears pouring from my eyes.

All of a sudden, after I launch a chair across the room, there is a sharp pain in the back of my head. A pain I hadn’t felt in years. How? I couldn’t feel anything outside of my heart-shattering moments before. I spin around, and there, in her five-foot-nothing glory, is Yaya and her wooden spoon. Before she can give me any shit, I scoop her up in a hug, pulling her close. She hugs me back, just as tight as I am holding her. I start crying so hard into her shoulder. I knew I missed her this whole time, but seeing her shows me how much I truly did.

“Boy, what are you doing here?” She asks, pulling back, with her hands still on my arms. “You promised me you would stay with him and watch over him.”

“I tried, Yaya, I really did. But I guess I am not as bulletproof as I lead everyone to believe.” I try and crack a grin, but my face and the tears don’t allow it to seem convincing.

“I told you your shithead antics were going to catch up to you,” she holds my face in her palms. “You think you are ready now?”

“Ready for what?”

“To move on, son.”

“I thought I was. I thought this was my life now, watching everyone mourn and move on while I am stuck here.” That sounds depressing. All it does is successfully make me think Heaven kinda sucks now.

“No, this is where you wait for your family to come for you. I am sorry I was late,” she said, leading me toward a door. A door that sure as shit wasn’t there earlier when I first got here or when I was trashing the place not five minutes ago. I mean, I think it was five minutes ago. Do minutes even exist here?

“Why were you late? Wait, Grandpa’s here? No, I don’t want to know.” I crack a real smile at her. She slaps my arm and opens the door that lets in an even more blinding light.

“No, you sick-minded ruffian. I have been playing and spending a lot of time with my great-great-granddaughter. She is a pistol, that one. Plus, you weren’t supposed to be here yet. I didn’t know you were coming. So really, this is your fault,” she winks.

I’m confused. I go to ask her to clarify, but my legs are almost taken out from under me—giving me the answer to the question I was going to ask.

“Funcle Fee-oh!” The small blur yells, wrapping herself around me.

Reaching down, I scoop up Marley. My god, I missed her! My heart heals a little, knowing she was greeted by true family. By people who would have loved her had they been alive when she was with us. She was taken care of just as well as she would have been had Cowboy and Bri gotten her in time.

“Marley-pie! I missed you, baby! Have you been having fun here?” I ask, kissing her all over her face.

“Yes! Yaya and Grandpa Ken have been telling me stories and playing with me. Grandma tells me all about her life on the ranch and how she loved the chickens.” She just keeps going on and on about everything when a flash of red catches my eye. I turn to see a woman I had only ever seen in pictures. A woman I never thought I would meet in a million years.

“Ma said you are the one to talk to about my Ken. That you know him best out of everyone,” she says to me. She takes Marley from my arms and puts her down so she can go play.

“I have time to share a story or two, I guess.” I joke, pulling her into a hug. I’m home. I may be away from the people I love, but I think I’m going to be okay. While I left others behind, I am now surrounded by even more who love me. I’m not losing anything. Not really. I’m gaining so much more.

“But, before I take your time, there is someone who has been waiting a long time to see you,” she tells me as she points behind me. I don’t understand what she means until I turn around, and I immediately cry and begin to run.

I wrap him up in my arms. My only true love. Feeling whole for the first time since I lost him, I inhale his scent and feel his body press against me. I know I’m gonna be okay. “Shea.”

Twenty Nine

Whitley

Cougar knows exactly who I am. I’ve been hiding this side of me for a long time now. It’s been work to remain successful—I almost wasn’t. Everything I was doing in the past couple of years was to bring this fight to an end. He doesn’t know that, though. He only sees me for the evil he thinks I am. I know he’s told Cowboy and the rest of the MC. It’s safe for me to say, Sandy is the only one who doesn’t know the truth.

I’ve wanted to give him the answers he’s been missing so many times. I’ve wanted to sit him down, tell him the truth, and ask him to help me. But I couldn’t. My hands have been tied from the moment I agreed to be on this assignment.

Get in, find the answers, and get out.

That was it. My only directive, and I couldn’t even complete it. Instead, I fell in love with a member of the Nameless Order. The absolute last thing I was supposed to do. There was no stopping it.

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