Page 53 of Hawke

“No,” he told me. “You have no idea what the fuck I feel when it comes to you.”

“Then tell me,” I implored.

“I wish I could, little sub.” I watched as he ran his hand over his head, mussing up his hair. He seemed as frustrated as I felt, yet it was all his fault, and he was too blind to see it.

I was a fool to ever come over here. I could see that now. Surely Syn wasn’t the only BDSM club in the city. Since I couldn’t make up my mind and decide what he did and didn’t feel for me, I’d have to move on.

“I can’t do this anymore with you.” There was a finality in my words that echoed the sentiment in my heart. Mine had been cracked one too many times, and I realized if I stayed with him any longer, he’d actually do the one thing I told him he couldn’t do. He’d break me. He already was piece by fucking piece.

Hawke seemed resigned to my decision, which caused the shards to dig in a little deeper. Finally, he let out a breath before speaking. “I never wanted this.”

I laughed sarcastically. “Thanks, Einstein. I never would’ve figured that out on my own.”

I was now being bitchy, but it helped cover up some of the pain gripping my chest. I knelt down to pick up my pants, cursing the shakiness in my arms. I was holding on to the last of my restraint by the thinnest of threads. If I didn’t get the hell out of here, I would only embarrass myself more.

I was suddenly yanked to my feet, then pinned against the wall. I tried to push him off, but he was too quick, easily restraining both hands above my head. I heaved deeply a few times before the tears started to roll down my cheeks.Dammit!

“I’m sorry I keep hurting you with my words, Charlotte. Just listen to me.”

I glared at him, unsure of how the hell he was going to spin this. Curiosity won out over pride, so I stopped trying to fight him. “You have one minute.”

He narrowed his eyes at me, but I arched my brow.

“I don’t want or need this with anyone, but the things you do to me, I can’t explain. It’s been there from the start. You’re like a fucking drug. I know you’re bad for me, yet I can’t wait to get another fix.”

I remembered back to the night of the masquerade party, and I remembered him asking me something very strange. I hadn’t given it much thought after because he’d dismissed me once again, but that time from his life. Was it possible he’d been fighting his attraction for me since then?

“Feel this,” he told me, letting one of my hands loose. He held it to his chest where the deepest scar lay. “I want to want you so fucking badly, but I can’t allow myself to claim you. You’re a weakness I can’t afford right now. And if you don’t believe me, focus on what you feel beneath your palm.”

I was so confused and still trying to make heads and tails out of what he was saying. When he mentioned something about what was on his chest, I tried to block out the noise in my head. “What is it?”

“It’s a self-inflicted scar, and it isn’t the only one on me, either. You’re my fucking addiction. Since you need to know why I can’t want you, now you do.” I went to respond, but he quickly demanded, “Feel this!”

Another few tears fell, burning a trail down my cheek. “Y-you’ve hurt yourself because of me?”

“These happened a decade ago, but I swore back then I’d never allow anyone to make me this weak again. I used to cut myself with anything I could find. Knives… razors…glass… wire… it didn’t fucking matter what it was. If it could make me bleed, I wanted it. And this scar is why I can’t allow myself to want you.”

My heart was breaking more with every word from him. The pain I’d often witnessed now started to make sense, but then again, it didn’t at all.

“I can help you, Hawke.”

“You once told me you’d rather feel pain than nothing at all.” He released my other hand, then stepped away from me. I watched him walk toward the bathroom to pick something up. When he stood again, I already knew what he had in his hand. “I’m the complete opposite. Before you arrived here tonight, I was holding this to my wrist, trying to decide whether or not to cut myself.”

“But why?” I asked even as my earlier words repeated themselves over in my head. I had mentioned slicing open a vein, never in a million years imagining that Hawke was about to actually do that himself.

“Because of you,” he answered.

“Me? I can help you if you’ll let me,” I told him as I slowly made my way over to where he was standing. The knife was still in his hand and I was terrified, not that he’d hurt me, but that he’d hurt himself. “Is this why you think you’ll hurt me? You’re already broken inside, so you think the same thing will happen to me?”

The truth was reflected in his dark eyes. “I’ve already hurt you, little sub. How long will it be before I completely destroy you?”

I didn’t know how to answer that because if I were being truthful, the last few minutes had practically gutted me already. I searched my brain for words that would help him, but I couldn’t come up with any. There was only one thing I could think of, so I took the knife from his hand, tossed it back onto the floor, then lowered myself to my knees.

“Use me!”

35 – HAWKE

She was as brave as she was foolish. When she pulled away from me, I hoped her sense had returned, but I was proven wrong when Charlotte dropped to her knees. It didn’t matter how badly I treated her, she kept coming back for more. I honestly didn’t know why she cared about me so much. I’d given her every reason to walk away, yet she wouldn’t do so.

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