Page 49 of Hawke

The truth ignited a spark inside me, but this time when I swung at him, he not only caught my arm but quickly had me pinned against him with my back to his chest. I tried to wriggle free, but his grasp was too strong. I was now captive, and angry tears began streaming down my cheeks.

“Why are you being so difficult? Just because you don’t want me doesn’t mean—”

“But I do.” Those three words were spoken so softly that had his mouth not been so close to my ear, I would’ve sworn my frazzled mind conjured them up.

“T-then, what’s the problem?” I stammered in confusion.

He lowered his mouth, causing me to shiver as his warm breath tickled my ear. “Because of this.” I had no idea what this he meant. I waited with bated breath for him to elaborate. “Because ofyou.”

“W-what about me?”

His head lowered even more, this time enough so he could bury it in my neck as his free hand moved teasingly down my torso. Hawke had the uncanny ability to both infuriate and arouse me at the same time. While I should’ve been railing against him for continuing to speak in riddles, I didn’t dare move for fear of him stopping. Yet, I still wanted him to answer me.

Finally, he raised his head. “I can’t stop thinking about you… touching you…” As he paused, one of his hands slid between my legs. “And for those reasons, you need to go, and I have to let you.”

What the hell?

I mouthed the question, not quite understanding what the problem was. Since he sounded genuine enough, I’d be truthful with him, too. “I want you to touch me.”

“I don’t want to,” he replied. His voice sounded so defeated.

“But you just said…” I realized he was once again toying with me. I waited a few seconds, caught him off guard, then managed to break free of him. After, I whirled around to face him. “You want me, then you don’t. What the hell kind of head games are you playing?”

I was trembling at this point. I smacked his hand away when he went to reach out to me. Trying to figure Hawke out was a feat of futility. He’d say one thing, then either show or do something that meant something else altogether. He kept me off balance, and I realized in that moment, he had since the first time we’d met back in Washington, D.C.

Our time in Denver together had only thrown me even more off-kilter. I tried thinking about what Ryder had told me. Hawke had stopped doing scenes with blondes, but had that really been because of me? I couldn’t be sure. I also very much doubted that fighting for him would change the outcome. He’d implored me to do so, however, and when I looked up at Hawke, his own eyes glistened with tears.

What the hell’s going on?

“I don’t want you, Charlotte. I never did, but it doesn’t change anything. You’re ingrained so deep under my skin that no matter what I do to you, I can’t get you out from beneath it.” He stopped, and I watched as he turned then began to pace back and forth.

Ryder had also told me that Hawke was obsessed with me.

Is this what he was talking about?

I shook my head. No, it couldn’t be. Another few tears fell. This time, I did wipe them away. He was so cryptic in his responses, yet none of them made any sense. Confused didn’t even begin to describe what I was experiencing in this moment. It was then I realized that I was disoriented. In fact, he seemed to keep me in that constant state, although tonight more than ever before.

I actually suspected that he was genuine. God help me, but I believed him. What should have been the start of something between us, it felt more like an ending, instead. The urge to fight took over once more, and I knew what I needed to do. Touching his arm, I waited until he turned to face me.

“So what that you feel something for me. Why is that so terrible?”

His expression turned incredulous. “Because I don’t want you.”

I let out another huff. “You’re just dancing around the truth. In one breath, you claim that you don’t want me, while telling me in the next that you can’t let me go. You’re so fucking twisted.”

Something akin to terror flashed in his eyes before they went devoid of any emotion whatsoever. He was so Jekyll and Hyde right now. I shifted on my feet, not knowing whether I wanted to take a step closer to him or take two away. Finally, I raked a hand through my hair.

“I’ll break you,” he finally muttered, causing me to laugh sarcastically.

“Oh my God. I can’t believe we’re back to this. Again. I’m not some porcelain doll you can keep on a shelf, away from everyone and everything, until you decide that you want to take me down to play with me. I’m not made of glass. I won’t break simply because you touched me.”

Had I not proven that to him that last night at Syn? He’d done so much to me, but I had taken everything he had to give me and would’ve taken more. I was scared now that he’d never give me the chance to prove it to him. I also knew he believed what he was saying to be true.

He interrupted my thoughts when I felt him give me a slight nudge toward the door. He was trying to uncomplicate things by pushing me away. He did feel something for me, and instead of fighting for what it could become, he was busy throwing it all away.

If he managed to succeed in sending me away now, I would never get the chance to convince him otherwise. I had never seen Hawke this vulnerable, or this open. I couldn’t squander the opportunity that presented itself.

“You have no idea how foolish you sound right now, Charlotte.” He started to pace again, mumbling something incoherent under his breath. Then he stopped. “The things I’ve seen…the things I’ve done… They’ll destroy you like they’ve almost done me. For fuck’s sake, listen for once and just trust me when I tell you it’s for the best that you leave right now and never come back.”

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