Page 50 of Hawke

His voice was pained, and I was sure there was a story behind his words, especially since they seemed to be ripped from him. Something had hurt him. I was as sure of that now as I was of my feelings for him. Ryder might’ve thought Hawke was obsessed with me, but I truly believed it was the other way around. Nothing else could explain these damn missions of futility I kept putting myself in for this very man. I realized in that moment how deeply I had fallen in love with him.

I’d also swallowed my pride for him long enough. Hawke wanted relationships that were easy, but I had news for him. Nothing in this world ever was. I wouldn’t simply tuck tail and run away because he told me so. I had to fight for Hawke, not to save him, but to save myself.

Squaring my shoulders, I called out to him, “Hawke.” When his eyes met mine, a flood of emotions rose up within me. His were hollow, almost empty as if he’d pushed everything away. It was so frustrating, especially when he broke off our connection and walked away.

I followed him further inside, going step for step with him. He walked to the mirror, using the counter to brace himself up. His back was to me, and I didn’t think I would get him to turn around. I looked behind me, and around the room, before a flash of metal caught my attention. It was a knife.

I reached around him and quickly grabbed it. “Why do you hate me so much?”

He’d turned as soon as I picked up the knife. His eyes were still dead, for a better word, and the angry tick in his jaw was the only sign he was in any way affected. “I don’t hate you. I just want you to leave.”

“I need you,” I replied, placing the knife to my wrist.

“You don’t,” he answered quickly, his eyes never leaving the dagger.

“But I do.” The hand holding the weapon shook. “Do I need to cut a vein open and bleed to show you just how much?”

33 – HAWKE

Asudden vision of her body marked with the crisscrossed cuts that mine once did sent fear racing through me. I didn’t want to break her like this. I realized that I didn’t want to break her at all. All of this had been for her… for me… for the truth that’d destroy her in the end.

But, if I didn’t think and act quickly, it’d be that time well before it should. Tears streamed down Charlotte’s face, and while her pain should’ve been my motivation, I realized it was my destruction instead.

All these years, I had gone through the motions when in a scene because I’d been programmed at such a young age to do them. A year earlier, something was different. Maybe it’d been my mindset, or the woman standing in front of me. She’d ensnared me the second I laid eyes on her and now… I couldn’t allow her to hurt worse because of me. Doing what no one had for me, I had to protect Charlotte. Protect her from me.

“Charlotte,” I rasped, my tone so much different than it’d been before. As soon as her eyes rose to mine, I reached out and knocked the knife out of her hands, hearing the clanging sound it made as it fell onto the tiled floor.

I didn’t give her time to try to pick it up, either. Doing what I wanted to do, even though it was the very last thing I actually needed to do, I drew her into my arms. Charlotte seemed as shocked by the action as I was. Not wanting to overthink things or make them even worse than I already had, I decided to focus on instinct rather than anything else.

I swept her into my arms, then walked back over to the door that was still open, to kick it shut. It closed with a bang just as I sat her on top of the desk. When I lowered my mouth to hers, a small sob escaped from between us as my tongue coaxed hers to part. She’d always been so beautifully submissive, so when they did, I claimed her the way I had always wanted to.

Want… need… both consumed me as I deepened the kiss. Her small hands slid up my chest before she wrapped them around my neck, holding me in place. I still controlled the kiss, but in an out of control sort of way. It didn’t make sense, but then it also made perfect sense. Nothing was ever what it seemed when it came to her. I finally realized that. The more I fought to keep her at arm’s length, the less likely that became. My plan for self-preservation had backfired so completely, because Charlotte was under my skin too deeply.

Somehow, I was able to eventually rip my lips from hers, leaving us both gasping for air. I had to touch her more, though. I trailed a line of kisses from her jawline down to her neck. Charlotte arched toward me momentarily before pulling back.

“The rules,” she murmured, moaning as I sank my teeth into her throat. “What are they?”

Her question gave me pause, and I stepped back. Her stricken eyes flew to mine, and I could see two things inside of them. One, she thought what I was doing with her was a game. I supposed I’d been playing one with her since we’d reconnected, but tonight, this was anything but that to me.

“The only rules, little sub, is that there aren’t any,” I answered. Tonight would be a huge step for me because I wouldn’t try to drown her out as I’d done all the women previously. I needed to hear every sound I wrung from her, and maybe they’d actually drown out the ones that had taken permanent residence in my head since I was twelve.

The second thing I noticed was how fearful she was that I would still throw her out. God, I wanted to because I knew Charlotte was way too good for me. I would destroy the innocence within that made her so unattainable, leaving her broken inside. Although I knew and believed it to be true, I selfishly needed to possess her in a way I never had anyone else, and never would either.

“There are no rules…no safe words…no games,” I told her as I tipped her chin up, caressing it with my thumb. A rustling of fabric diverted my attention and I looked down. Her hands were slowly sliding her sweater up her body. I helped her remove it, along with the tank top and bra she wore underneath, baring all that bronzed skin to my hungry gaze. “Understood?”

Charlotte nodded before flashing me a watery smile. I could still see her tears and as I’d done that first night, I lapped at them with my tongue before kissing my way back down to her mouth. This time when I seized her lips, there was no resistance on her part. My tongue delved into her mouth, dueling with hers as I tasted every part of her.

She was addictive enough to taste, but even more so to touch. I cupped one of her breasts in my hand, grazing her nipple, which stiffened to a hardened peak. I rubbed my thumb back and forth until she pulled away from me.

“Hawke?” My name slipped from her swollen lips like a sensual plea. “Touch me.”

I hadn’t been able to keep my hands off her, but I knew what Charlotte meant. Bringing my other hand to the other breast, I now cupped both in my palms, squeezing them roughly until finally I lowered my head to one, drawing her nipple into my mouth.

I remembered how beautiful they’d looked pinched between the metal teeth of those clamps I’d used on her. They’d been ripe like a berry, red and swollen. I almost wished I had a pair lying around my room, but I didn’t. Charlotte didn’t seem to mind, though. As I held it captive between my teeth and tugged, she whimpered.

I moved from one to the other, giving it the exact same treatment before kissing my way down her torso. Charlotte still had some clothing on, which I quickly helped her shed. Once she was completely naked, I placed her back on the table. I used my foot to push the chair to the desk, then I took my seat in front of her.

I brought my fingers to her pussy, spreading her lips apart. I needed to taste her. Leaning in, I pressed my mouth to her glistening flesh. Charlotte grabbed my head with her trembling hands. The action itself was different than anything I’d ever experienced. Never had I taken a woman and not bound her in some way. The urge to stop and do exactly that did enter my mind, but I didn’t act on the impulse.

---