Page 44 of First Impressions of You

“Are you good to go again?” Emily asks impatiently.

Winter’s eyes find mine, and they’re really dark. I think I might’ve pissed him off for real this time.

“Sorry,” I say under my breath.

“No, you’re not,” he replies, stepping away.

When you have a dream job, you think you’d give it all for it. You like to imagine when you get the chance, you will not hold back. You’ll do whatever it takes. At least, that’s what we’re told. That sacrifices have to be made. That we only learn how to value things when we have to give something up for it.

I can’t count how many times I dreamed of becoming a paid professional actress. I wanted this ever since I realized that when acting, I could always be enough. That slipping into a character’s skin made me feel confident, like it was a mask, a shield. No matter who I was playing, I could just tell myself that they were enough. And for the briefest of moments, for an hour or two, I’d feel it. I’d feel that I, too, was enough.

Regardless of the struggles my characters were put through, I’d always make sure that they felt they were enough. They were pretty enough. They were smart enough. They were talented enough. They were good enough. In doing so, I somehow tricked my brain into believing that, while I was them, I didn’t have to worry about being enough myself.

It’s always felt so good.

Acting is my safe haven. It’s the only time in my life where I feel truly comfortable. I can be my truest self when I’m playing someone else, because in those moments I feel that I’m enough.

And I’ve already sacrificed so much for this career.

My mother’s admiration. My father’s companionship. I had to let of so many invaluable things when I decided to pursue this career in a different country that I’d like to think I wouldn’t let anything else get in the way.

Not when this job is my only chance at a visa. And getting this visa is the only thing keeping me from having to go back to Brazil to work at my parents’ clinic.

So, when I realize that this animosity between me and Winter is putting my dream at risk, all I want is to kill him. He doesn’t get to take this from me.

“Luiza, sweetie,” Emily starts after she resets the same scene for the third time.

“I know, I know.” She doesn’t have to tell me that I’m butchering it. I can’t focus. I can’t bring myself to get over my loathing for Winter. “I’m sorry.”

When she sends everyone home for the day but asks me to stick around, I can’t help but feel that this is it. My dream’s been cut short. I’m not cut out for it. I’m not good enough. I just don’t have it in me to get over my personal feelings and pretend everything is fine for the sake of the job. This is the one sacrifice I can’t make. Maybe Winter was right, and I’m not professional enough. Maybe I didn’t deserve this role after all.

Maybe my mother was right and this whole thing was a dream too farfetched to ever become true. Maybe that was why she agreed to it, in the first place. Because she knew that in the end, I’d go back to Brazil. Back to med school and to my parents’ clinic.

“Is something wrong? Is there something I can do?” I never expected Emily to be so comforting. But then again, I’ve been accused a time or two of judging people too quickly. I did expect Emily to be the kind of director who says something once and only once. She’s already called me out for not showing her the chemistry she expected. I thought for sure she’d be firing me today after such a terrible performance. I didn’t expect her to sound… worried about me.

“No, no,” I try to reassure her, but even I can tell how uncertain my voice sounds. I try again. “It’s okay. Everything’s good. I promise.”

“Hey, look,” she says, holding my right shoulder and giving it a gentle squeeze. “I know how much pressure you’re under, okay?” She doesn’t, but I nod, nonetheless.

“I’m good. I’m sorry.” My voice sounds a million miles away. “I’ll be better tomorrow, I promise.”

“Did you know I was born in Uruguay?” she asks, and my eyes widen in surprise. She gives me a heartfelt smile. One I don’t see her sharing around.

“I didn’t know.”

“Yeah, I don’t…” She exhales a long breath. “I should talk more about it, but we all have our ways of dealing with things. Anyway, I know what it feels like not knowing whether you can stay or not. I remember how helpless I felt after I finished college. There wasn’t much I could do to change my situation, but whatever I could, I did with my whole heart. I didn’t hold back. I directed around fifty plays that year I was on my OPT. Most of them were unpaid gigs. I know it was a privilege being able to work for free, but I took every opportunity I could and held on to it. Fiercely.

“No one sponsored my visa after a year. I hadn’t made lasting connections. But what I did have was my passion. And the growing portfolio I was building. For a few years, I stayed illegally. I was terrified ICE would knock at my door at any moment, but somehow, I still had the hope that one day I’d change my situation.”

“How…” I don’t need to finish the question.

“I’d love to say that it was the Ovation Awards nomination that granted me a O-1B visa. I tried, though. Right after I was nominated, my lawyer started the process of petitioning for the visa, but it was denied. By then, I was already engaged to my now-husband, so we just… decided to get married earlier rather than later. I became Mrs. Eddings, and I’ve been a legal resident for six years now. But look, I know how terrifying it is. And I vowed I’d never forget all I went through.”

If her speech is supposed to motivate me, I’m not sure it’s working. I understand where she was coming from, but all I can think is that even an O-1B visa is out of my reach. Those are only given to outstanding professionals with proven extraordinary abilities. I have nothing extraordinary to offer. And even when Emily did, she was still denied it.

Emily gives me a knowing smile, perfectly reading my mind. “You’ve created a good, established relationship with this company. Movieland has sponsored visas before, Luiza. All we have to do is show them you’re worth it. I’m here to help you do that, but there’s just so much I can do on my side. The rest is up to you. Get some rest and come back tomorrow ready to show them why they should sponsor your visa.”

I’m a completely different person when I arrive at rehearsals the next day.

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