Page 14 of Until Beckett

The momentI was sitting down in Mamma’s Country it was as if I was a ticking time bomb waiting for one of the two guys who were happily chatting about anything and everything that had been happening in their lives to move on to the subject of me.

It was as if they were slowly drawing me into the conversation and trying to ease me into the surroundings and being with them again, just like we were in our youth again.

I glanced around the familiar pub that hadn’t changed in the time I’d been away and continued nursing my beer, knowing that Mila and her needs came first. I was nervous and on tenterhooks waiting for an intervention to begin, but Nico’s phone started to vibrate with an incoming call on the table and saved me from it. For now.

“Right, I’m going to have to head off, but I’ll see you on Sunday at the farmhouse, Corey,” he said, as if it was a matter of fact and not a question. It was as if these guys had a secret chat set up to discuss my whereabouts. “Are you staying a little longer?”

“We’ll be off soon,” Asher replied as I continued nursing my beer and picking the label on the bottle between sips. “See you Sunday, man.”

“Yeah, see you Sunday, Nico,” I said as I gave him a small smile while he downed the last dregs of his beer before placing his empty bottle on the table next to us.

With a wave over his shoulder, he said goodnight and headed toward the door and back home, leaving the two of us alone and the silence thick and taut.

I let out a cough before I took a deep breath and finally thoughtscrew it. I hated the unknown hanging over me and would rather be able to figure out who I could be honest with and discuss the heavy loaded weight I was carrying on my shoulders. I just hoped Asher didn’t suddenly think less of the judgment call I’d made.

“I came here because I had to escape. I had to get away from Beckett,” I confessed, keeping my head low and avoiding his gaze. “I left him a letter, but I didn’t tell him I was here. I sort of just left in the early hours—”

“Corey, slow down.” Asher took a sip of his beer as his phone flashed with a message and he read it before placing it on the chair next to him. “Just November, checking in.” He turned his attention back to me. “Why would you do that when he was supporting you? Did you fight?”

“Not exactly,” I whispered under my breath, wishing I could’ve had a few more beers before having this conversation. “But something did happen with Beckett. I made a move on him.”

I watched Asher’s eyes widen at my admission as he swallowed his beer down before placing it on the table and glancing over at me.

“Okay, so I need you to explain some things to me,” he began. “I know Beckett is gay, but—”

“It’s okay,” I breathed out. “I expected a shocked response. I think deep down that’s why I’m here. My mind is catching up faster than how my body could react,” I admitted as Asher finished his beer. “Want another drink before I continue?”

“Yeah, I’m going for an orange juice, though. You?” He asked as he stood up from his seat. “Corey, you needing a breather doesn’t mean that everything you’re thinking at the moment is right, you know. I know you, and I know your mindset—”

“Orange juice would be great, man,” I stated, avoiding his other statement, as currently that’s what I felt.

Guilt.

Pain.

Anger.

Turmoil.

I watched Asher head over to the bar, giving me enough time to sort my head out. He quickly did something on his phone, making me wish I’d gone with him. The worry kept churning away in my stomach that something was wrong or may have happened to Mila or someone else close to me. A fear that was now ingrained into my very soul and I’d been unable to remove since losing Isabella. I knew deep down I needed proper counselling and support with the trauma I’d gone through so I could move forward without fear overcoming every step in my life but at this moment I wasn’t ready for that step. Beckett had been my support and person to help me but now… The sweat gathered on my brow as I wiped it away and took a deep breath trying to force oxygen into my lungs. I was panicked as if Asher was trying to claw some all-important moments of time as he tried to figure out a way to tell me what was going on in a way that didn’t cause me to crumble to my knees. He slid his phone back into his pocket moments later and ordered our drinks before he headed back toward me with the orange juices in hand.

“So…” Asher started the moment he sat back down, taking a sip of the cool, refreshing drink. “Explain everything.”

“I don’t know where to begin,” I replied honestly, shrugging my shoulders at him. My heart pounding away as I waited for the moment, he changed the subject and told me what had just happened over at the bar. Surely it wasn’t just my imagination… “Over the last few months, Beckett has been my everything. The person to support me through the rough and tumble with Mila…” I sighed loudly. “It started with lingering looks and brushing of hands against one another when he was helping me go through Isabella’s belongings.”

I couldn’t help but tear up at that, and it felt like a golf ball was lodged in my throat with the overwhelming emotions going through me.

“It’s okay, man. It’s just me, and I’m here to help,” Asher uttered softly back with conviction in his eyes. It was as if he could now see the torment and pain I’d been hiding within me all this time. “I just want to help lift this weight off you if I can, maybe give you a friend’s point of view.”

“I appreciate that.” I choked out the words. “I…” I let the sobbed tone muffle in my throat before continuing. “I really need that.”

“I’m your friend, man.” Asher reached forward and squeezed my forearm gently in encouragement. The touch instantly grounded me in the moment.

I knew I’d already said enough for Asher to paint a picture of why I left, but I didn’t want any blurred lines or misconceptions. I knew I couldn’t stop mid-speech, and I had to make everything crystal clear to him now or I would never be able to tell anyone.

“I started to reach out to him more. At first it was gentle brushes and innocent touches of my fingers against his skin.” I whisper spoke trying to control my rapid, beating heart from escaping the confines of my chest. “I’m not sure if Beckett saw the differences or not at first.” I breathed out the long-held breath I was holding. “I’d started to question if Beckett could mean more to me. At night I’d imagine it.” I shook my head at the confession as I covered my face with my hands. “I knew even thinking those thoughts meant I was tarnishing Isabella’s memory and that was before I… no, we…” I choked out.

“She wouldn’t want you to think like that, man,” Asher blurted out immediately. “I can’t have you thinking that,” he said in a whisper. “Isabella wouldn’t want you to hurt and be unhappy especially if you found someone who you cared about and who felt the same way about you,” he continued. “She loved Beckett. You know she would just want you and that little girl to be happy—whether that be with a woman or a man. It wouldn’t matter to her.”

---