Page 15 of Until Beckett

I let the tears flow beneath my hands at Asher’s words and swallowed harshly.

“Things had been overwhelming with Mila and then I made a move on him, Asher.” I took a few deep breaths before removing my hands from my face, knowing I’d have to face Asher in this moment. “I kissed him and… we then moved into Beckett’s bedroom and took things much further.” I gulped, knowing there was no turning back from this conversation. I’d already said too much to go back and retrace my steps now. “He asked me if I was certain that I wanted this with him now. He tried to make me see that he knew I’d freak out and think just for a moment about my impulsiveness. I know that now, but I was adamant, lost in the moment and passion…”

“Corey!” Asher stopped me mid-flow desperate to capture my attention. “I’d be worried if you didn’t question yourself.”

“I liked it,” I whisper-spoke, letting the words hang there between us. “But he’s my friend and I should never have put him in that position. I’ve ruined the two of us and all we had just to feel some sense of closeness,” I rambled out in a rush. “I’m straight and I’m a widower…”

“Corey, do you think this is more about acceptance of what happened between the two of you, than regret?” Asher asked, making me pause instantly for thought. That the reason I came to Asher was because I knew he’d see the inner me and stop me running away any longer from reality even though I desperately wanted to. “That everything you’ve known about yourself feels like a lie?”

I thought about Asher’s words and nodded, knowing he’d pinpointed what my concerns were exactly.

He said it better than I could.

I felt like a fraud.

I’d always envisioned my life along the lines of being married with the beautiful wife and two little children in the little house on the outskirts of a small town as I run the family business alongside my best friend.

He’d go home and spend time with his husband, and we’d all enjoy weekends together with a cool drink and bite to eat while the kids slept.

Instead, I’d gone and blown that image to shreds by potentially realizing I have some sort of emotions deep within me for my gay best friend. The person who was meant to support me had now become the man of my dreams.

How the fuck was I supposed to deal with that?

NINE

BECKETT

I couldn’t believe I just quit my job.

The career that I’d spent my life building up, and I wasn’t even upset or fazed by it. It wasn’t like I’d planned to do it or had an idea what I was going to do next in my life. It didn’t matter though. If anything, I felt pride and an ease settle inside my soul that was previously unsettled and panicked with the notion of not knowing how best to approach this mess. Hadley Jolson had taken away a huge weight from my shoulders with her flippant remarks and ultimatum.

There was no choice at the end of the day.

Corey and Mila would always take priority in my life over anything else.

“You did this for them,” I whispered into the air. “For the two of them.”

I could always find another job, but… I choked at the thought as flashbacks of the funeral hit my mind and the scattering of the rose petals on the coffin as Isabella was lowered into the ground. There’s only one Corey, and even if he didn’t want me after all this, I could say I’d given it my all.

He may have made the first move. He may have run away from me. But I was the guy who’d always loved him. Now it was my time to show him that and hopefully bring him back to my arms where he belonged. I would make him know that he was the guy I had always cherished, always cared for, and now wanted to make part of my life in a different way.

I just had to reach him and let him know how I felt before he started to unravel totally. In my heart I felt like I should be the person he leaned on to guide him through this journey. I just hoped he wanted me to be and didn’t feel the need to stay lost and hidden away with our friends.

* * *

I’d spentthe afternoon packing and speaking with the last few people here in Wisconsin who needed to know what was happening. I didn’t want any surprises on our return or issues to contend with. I was logical and methodical with my thoughts for a reason, and even though Corey was the burning thought in my mind continuously, I wanted to know that every loose end had been dealt with so our time could be ours and ours alone to deal with when we got back.

I even caught up with Hardin on the journey back to my place—skipping the part about my now non-existent job position, knowing he’d have a few choice words to say about it—and let him know the latest details about what had been happening since Corey and I had last caught up with him.

Hardin’s instant surprise at hearing my voice put my mind at rest that my hunch where Corey was, was indeed correct. I’d originally thought that Hardin may have been one of the people Corey would’ve turned to with everything that had been going on, but then I’d realized his life was just as screwed up with his feelings for Anthony that he was sure none of us knew about.

I’m sure the two of them thought we were blind to the tension between them. It was intoxicating and powerful—the combustion almost imminent when they were together. It had reached boiling point that Anthony had even decided he couldn’t be an active partner inThe North Avenue Liveanymore and instead would work from the side lines being a silent owner from afar. I just hoped that sooner rather than later something ignited between them and they realized what others had seen developing between them both.The two of them needed one another.

It made me recall how I’d mentioned a week or so ago to Corey about visiting Hardin soon and how he didn’t want Mila around the air pollution of Manhattan and New York City, especially with how delicate her lungs were. He thought she was too small and delicate to cope with such a strain after only just gaining strength. I thought it also had something deep down to do with the fear and panic of Mila potentially getting ill and losing her like he did Isabella. I couldn’t blame him for those thoughts. But in time, I hoped he would start to understand it was beyond anyone’s control—the most unpredictable and painful things can happen at the most unexpected times, and there’s nothing any of us can do to stop them. He had to live each day in the moment and enjoy life. He had a beautiful little girl that I was certain would test his patience in years to come but he couldn’t always be in fear of what ifs and maybes with her. All he could do was be the dad she deserved and love her like he promised always.

It meant in my gut I knew he had to have gone to Tennessee—to Asher and November.

I zipped up my suitcase and glanced around the room before reaching for my cell and trying Asher’s number yet again. The fact he’d silenced his phone or maybe even was deliberately ignoring my calls was seriously getting on my nerves now. All I wanted was some confirmation that everything was okay there, but his radio silence just didn’t cut it for me. With the final items now sorted and the property secured, I began to move everything to the front door, ready to load into my car. If Asher wanted to ghost me, then I guessed I would have to show up unannounced, continuously stopping off on my journey to call until he got sick of it and eventually gave in and answered me.

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