Page 49 of Awakening the Sheriff

I still felt the warmth of his hand from when he’d steadied me on the rocky trail and the closeness of his body when we’d stood on the overlook. We’d been so close, our faces mere inches apart. The urge to kiss him had been overwhelming, but I’d held back. Moments later, he’d said we needed to go, leaving me more confused than ever. Had I misinterpreted the signs? Had he even been giving me any signs at all?

I buried my head in my hands and groaned. Why could I not figure this out? I was forty-eight, and I was as confused as a teenage boy. No matter how I spun it in my head, I couldn’t come to a conclusion. I’d always considered myself straight, but I couldn’t deny the pull I felt toward Keaton. But what did that mean?

The most logical explanation was that I was attracted to him, but I couldn’t jump on that bandwagon so easily. Not because I had issues with the idea of not being straight. I couldn’t care less. No, the reason I questioned it was the context and the timing. Had this happened a few months ago, it would’ve been different, but I’d become aware of a lot of things recently that I’d never realized before.

“Am I attracted to him?” I tapped my fingers on my desk. “Or is it just the thrill of someone new in my life, someone who pays attention to me and seems interested?”

Jesus, now I was talking out loud to myself. The questions swirled around in my head like a tornado, making it impossible to focus on anything else. I couldn’t figure this out on my own. I needed to talk to Marnin. Maybe he could help me sort through my feelings for Keaton. Not only was he my best friend and knew me better than anyone, but he was bi himself. Surely, he would have some insight. I knew he’d arrived in town this morning and was staying with Tiago and Cas, so I texted him.

Can we talk? I need your advice on something.

Now?

Yeah.

Okay.

On my way.

“Waylon, Marcus,” I called out to my deputies, who were lounging in the breakroom. “I’m taking some personal time off this afternoon.”

They shared a look, brows furrowed.

“Is everything okay, Sheriff?” Waylon asked.

“Of course. Why do you ask?”

“Your behavior has changed recently,” Marcus said hesitantly. “You used to work six days a week from early till late. We had a hard time getting you to take time off.”

“But now,” Waylon added, “you’ve drastically reduced your hours, taking more time off. We’re not complaining, just wondering what caused it.”

I blinked. Were they right? I had taken off for my hike with Keaton and, before that, to go to Seattle with him. And I’d taken a personal day to take Byron to the LGBTQ+ center. I could’ve logged that as work, but that would’ve raised too many questions as to why I was letting him do his community service so far away, so I hadn’t.

But had I taken so little time to myself that now that I did, Marcus and Waylon had noticed? That didn’t sit well with me at all. Not that I would tell my deputies. I liked them well enough, and we worked well together, but I didn’t consider them friends. “I have some personal stuff going on, but I promise I’m fine. Thanks for the concern though. Much appreciated.”

With a nod, I left the office and headed to Tiago and Cas’s house.

As I drove over, a knot of anxiety tightened in my chest. The conversation with Marcus and Waylon had hit me hard. Had I been such a workaholic that it stood out when I took some time off? Tricia had made some offhand comments since our divorce, but after I’d pointed out it was no longer her concern, she’d stopped. Had she been right? Had I buried myself in my work?

I couldn’t deny I’d found comfort in the routine of my job. Spending long hours at work and staying busy beat the hell out of sitting alone in my house, feeling like a failure. Because I had felt like one after we’d separated. How had I not been able to hold on to what had mattered to me most?

Christ, I was questioning my entire identity and everything I thought I knew about myself. Was this that notorious midlife crisis? If it was, I needed it gone. I was off-kilter, and I didn’t like it one bit.

“Hey,” I greeted Marnin as he opened the door, trying to sound casual despite the turmoil inside me. “Thanks for making time for me.”

“Of course, man.” He clapped me on the shoulder. “Now, what was so urgent it couldn’t wait?”

“Mãe de Deus, Marnin, let the man sit down first.” Tiago walked into the hallway, shaking his head. “Can I get you something to drink?”

“He won’t be here that long.” Marnin pointed at my uniform. “He’s working.”

“I took off the rest of the day…”

Marnin’s mouth dropped open, and Tiago let out a gasp. “Jesus Cristo… Are you okay? Is something wrong?”

Well, if I’d had any doubt about whether my deputies were right, the reactions of my friends confirmed it. Apparently, my taking time off really was cause for concern. “I’m fine. Everything is… No, everything isn’t fine, but it’s nothing serious. Not like I’m sick or dying or something. Just some personal stuff I was hoping to talk to you about. As for that drink…erm, coffee? Yeah, coffee would be good.”

After shooting Marnin a meaningful look, Tiago nodded. “Coming right up.”

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