Page 85 of Pucking Wild

I consider her words. “And how do you survive? What did you hope would happen here, between us I mean?”

She takes a deep breath, holding my gaze. “I had every intention of using you to set Troy off. I wanted him to find me living with you,” she admits. “I wanted the idea of you touching me and kissing me and fucking me—whether it was true or not—to haunt him. And I wanted him to come at me hard. I wanted him to torch my entire life. At least then I’d know that the pieces of me that survived are strong. And with those pieces, I would finally start over.”

This is a lot of information to process all at once. I feel like I’ve just gone through a car wash in a convertible with the top down. I’m angry, I’m hurt, and so damn confused. “You were using me?”

She nods.

“And you’re still using me now?”

She shakes her head. “No, I can’t now.”

“Why?”

“You know why.”

“Tell me anyway,” I say, needing her to say it.

She holds my gaze, and I see such hurt there, such loneliness and resignation. “Because you’re my friend. And I don’t use my friends.”

Yeah. Friends. We’ll fucking see about that.

33

Ryan is quiet in the car the whole ride back to the house. Neither of us were in the mood for ice cream when we left the beach. Then it started to rain the minute we got in the car. Now I’m just sitting in this oppressive silence, the only sound the faint squeak of the windshield wipers and the soft patter of the rain on the roof.

I hate that I ruined this night for him. We were supposed to be celebrating him, not rehashing all my bullshit. But I wanted to kiss him, and I know he wanted to kiss me back, and I just felt like I couldn’t go there with the weight of an elephant sitting on my chest. I hate secrets. I’m no good at them. And I don’t use people. Even just the thought of using Ryan feels like enough of a betrayal—of him as my friend, of myself and my principles.

Admitting the truth out loud, I feel gross, like I need a shower to scrub all the negative energy away. But he deserved to know, and I stand by my decision to tell him, even with my shitty timing. He deserves to make whatever decisions he needs to make now.

I drive us all the way home and practically moan with relief as I jerk the car into park. We open our doors at the same time and climb out. He moves with his stiff gait towards the front door, keys jangling as he pulls them from his pocket.

I follow wordlessly behind him, my discarded heels in my hand. I take in his frame, cast in shadow by the porch light. Are we just never going to speak again? The silent treatment is a fate worse than death for a Gemini.

He opens the door and steps back, wordlessly gesturing to let me in.

Oh, fuck this. I’m going straight to my room and drawing a bath in that big soaking tub. Then I’m going to dunk my head under the water and scream. I step past him, saying nothing. Behind me, the door shuts. The bolt clicks.

“Tess.”

I pause, heart in my throat, as I hear my name spoken from his lips. One word. Slowly, I turn. He’s still facing the door, one hand pressed against it. “What?”

His hand drops to his side as he turns too, his heated gaze setting me on fire with a look. The keys drop from his hand to the floor with a loud clatter. “Use me.”

“What?”

“You heard me.”

My mouth is suddenly dry. “Ryan—”

“But we’re changing the rules of the game,” he says, taking a step closer. “Old rules said you used me to make your ex jealous. Well, fuck him,” he curses, his eyes flashing with anger. “He doesn’t deserve one more moment of your precious time or consideration. We’re playing this game with new rules. There’s only one, actually: Use me to feel good.”

My heart skips. “Ryan, this is…”

He takes a step closer, both hands going to the bottom of his powder blue sweater. He pulls it off and drops it to the floor, his blond curls mussed. “Do you want to feel good, Tess?”

“I don’t want to hurt you,” I admit.

His hands are working the buttons of his shirt from the top down, exposing his tanned chest. “Does your pussy have teeth? I didn’t feel any before…not that I got much time to explore.”

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