Page 129 of Vicious Chaos

I can’t watch this any longer. Can’t bear to witness us losing anything more. Losing Alec is hard enough.

I bend down and scoop Rachel into my arms, prying her away from Scar as I do. Her face lands into my neck as she breaks apart. I’ll never forget the feel of her slender frame shaking in my arms. So fragile it feels like only the thinnest thread is keeping us from losing her too.

We rush to the car and climb in. I hold Rachel in my lap as I climb into the backseat. Kade drops into the front seat and Scar sits at my side, clinging to Rachel’s hand in the only form of comfort any of us can give her.

It’s not enough.

It’ll never be enough to make up for what she lost today.

“Alec, I’m so fucking sorry. I love you. I’ll always love you. To the moon, to the stars, even to fucking Pluto. I’ll always be your Moonshine, always be yours,” she whispers, each word coming out strangled and almost indecipherable. It takes every ounce of her strength and energy she has left to get her last promise to him out into the universe. Her only chance at goodbye. The last time she will ever be able to tell him she loves him, even if it's already too late. Her body folds in on itself. Her near silent sobs the only sound to fill the car.

Nothing makes sense.

They shouldn’t have known. There’s no way they could have known that we were going to hit the strip club. It wasn’t even really connected to Romano. We only used it because we knew the same people who go to his auctions visit the club. But it was never a target to destroy as a hit against him. We just wanted it gone. It was supposed to be fun. A way to celebrate.

Why on earth were they prepared for us? How were they able to sneak up on us? They shouldn’t have fucking known.

I’ll never forget the feeling of Rachel’s frail body trembling in my arms as her agonized screams pierced my heart. Never forget what it felt like for her to break apart as I held her, her whole life, her other half, slipping out of her grip.

Her tears stained my skin and I know I will never get rid of the mark they left on my soul as hers was ripped right out of her chest.

I’ve never felt like more of a failure than I have this week.

I’ve poured over everything. Every plan. Every communication. Every fucking thing. I can’t find a single hint anywhere of how they figured it out.

Fuck. I throw the papers in my hand in the air. Useless. It’s all so fucking useless. I can’t fucking figure it out.

I almost wish I couldn’t feel everything that’s rushing through me. Wish I could turn it all off again. But Alec deserves for me to feel this pain. I fucking failed him. Failed Rachel. I’ve earned every ounce of frustration and anger and hurt I’m feeling.

“Stop beating yourself up,” Ryder sighs as he sits next to me and pulls me into his lap. He brushes my cheeks and it’s that moment that I realize I’m crying.

My breath catches in my throat as giant sobs are ripped from my chest. I draw my knees up and fold in on myself. I latch onto Ryder’s soothing voice as he hushes me, focusing on the feel of his hand running down my back. Desperately trying not to get lost in the whirlwind of my emotions threatening to drown me with my latest failure.

“I couldn’t protect him,” I gasp through my tears. “Why couldn’t I protect him?”

“Scar,” he drawls, his voice pleading with me to look at him. But I can’t. I can’t see his grief, any of their grief, my failure reflected in all of their eyes. I don’t know how I’m supposed to face Rachel today. The black we all wear is nowhere enough to express my mourning for Alec.

“You can’t save everyone. Can’t protect everyone. We had no reason to believe the strip club would be rigged the way it was.”

“It’s my job to know that,” I scream as I jump to my feet. I roughly push my fingers through my hair, frustrated I don’t know how to make them understand. “That’s my fucking job.” I drop to my knees as my sudden surge of strength disappears. “I’ve spent eight years building this empire on information to be prepared for this shit. To protect my people. I failed Rachel. I fucking failed her and she’s never going to be okay again.” My voice tapers off as more sobs rob me of my air. “She’s broken and it’s all my fault.”

Ryder falls to the ground beside me, wrapping his arms around me. HIs own tears stream down his face, mixing with my own. “This wasn't your fault. We’re all hurting,” he whispers, “but none of us are to blame.”

“It’s my war,” I cry out, desperately needing him to understand. To be punished for letting Alec die. For starting this war in the first place. What if it wasn’t worth what we lost?

“Scar, please. You always tell me Jen’s death wasn’t my fault. To feel the pain, to let myself grieve, but to put the blame where it belongs. I’m begging you to do the same right now. Put the blame where it belongs. We still need you. Rachel still needs you.”

His words start to break through my self-destructive cycle. Maybe not enough to free myself of the guilt wearing down my heart, but enough to pull the waves of my grief back under control. I settle the storm brewing inside me, doing what I do best and reign in the chaos so I can unleash it at the right time.

“There’s my girl,” he praises as the tremors leave my body and I focus on my breathing, slowly pulling myself back together. Rachel and the guys still need me. I can’t fall apart when we are so fucking close.

“On your feet, baby girl,” Noah says, gently pulling me to my feet. “You know what you need to do.”

Hands land on my shoulders and spin me around. “We’re all together, Letty. All of us,” Kade reminds me as he kisses my forehead. “For you, for Rachel.” I’m not even sure when they all got here. Just how much of my breakdown they witnessed.

Declan is next, wiping the tears from my cheeks. “Ryder’s right, pretty girl. You didn’t do this, but you have the power to change what happens next.”

Luca is last, forcing my chin up higher. “Revenge. It’s what we do best.”

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