Page 49 of Her Vow to Be His Desert Queen

‘Then why did you say it?’ The words came out sharp, full of edges, like razor wire, and he was breathing very fast. ‘Five years ago, you said it to me, and I broke your heart. That is what you told me... I walked away from you then because I could not give you what you wanted. And nothing has changed, Sidonie. I still cannot.’

He couldn’t. There were already cracks in the stone around his heart, the doubt inside him deepening. He could not love her back because love was a weakness that undermined his strength. And he was supposed to make her happy, that was what he’d promised himself.

No. That’s a lie you told yourself. This hasn’t got anything to do with what kings are and aren’t permitted. You want to love her, but love makes you do such terrible things.

He’d loved his country, so he’d killed Yusuf. He’d loved Dusk, so he’d killed him too. And all those years ago, he’d once loved Sidonie. And he’d walked away from her, dealing her a mortal blow.

There was a weight around his heart, crushing him, suffocating him.

‘It doesn’t matter,’ Sidonie said. ‘It doesn’t matter that nothing’s changed. I told you because even kings need someone who loves them.’ Her red brows drew together. ‘Why is that so bad?’

She didn’t understand. Which meant he would have to tell her. ‘Because I do not love you,’ he repeated. ‘And Ineverwill, Sidonie.Never.I am too much like my father. I have his blood in me.’

He wouldn’t do it again. He couldn’t. The blood inside him was too strong and his hunger for Sidonie was too intense. He had to keep his emotional distance, hehadto. He didn’t know what would happen if he didn’t.

Sidonie pushed herself off the couch and crossed the space between them, the green robe flowing around her, making her look the goddess of spring that he’d hoped to give his people. And the terrible, crushing ache in his chest squeezed tighter.

‘You’re not listening,’ she said calmly, coming up to him and putting her hands on his chest, smoothing the black cotton of the robe he wore. ‘It doesn’t matter.’

He couldn’t bear for her to touch him, it felt too painful. So he took her wrists in his hands and pulled her fingers away from him. ‘It may not matter to you, but it matters to me.’

Still she didn’t look upset. ‘Why?’

He didn’t want to spell it out to her, but it seemed as if he was going to have to. ‘You lost your parents, Sidonie. You lost the two people who cared about you most in the world, and you were raised instead by that awful aunt of yours.’ He looked down into her eyes. ‘Tell me that you don’t want to be loved. Tell me that you don’t need it like you need air to breathe. Tell me and make me believe it.’

Finally, her gaze flickered. ‘I don’t. You’re what’s important to me.’

She was lying to herself, but that didn’t matter. He already had his answer. ‘But I should not be. What you want matters,ya hayati.You should not be putting what you need second all the time. You do not deserve it.’

She didn’t try to pull her hands away and she didn’t try to touch him again. ‘It seems to me that I should be the one who gets to decide what I deserve, not you. Just like I get to decide what’s important and what’s not. Yes, I lost my parents. Yes, my aunt was awful. But then I met a wonderful man who became my friend, and he showed me what I deserved, and I decided that what I deserved was him.’

‘I broke your heart,’ he said desperately. ‘That is what you said.’

‘You did,’ she said. ‘But you won’t do again. I know you won’t.’

‘How? How do you know that? You know nothing of the man I have become, nothing about the sacrifices I have made for my country. What is to say that one day I will not sacrifice you too?’

‘Of course I know about your sacrifices,’ she shot back. ‘You told me about them, remember? And don’t tell me I don’t know you. I’ve known you for ten years and, while we’ve both changed, we’re still who we were deep down inside. I told you last night what kind of man you are, the kind of man you’ve always been, so yes, I know you. And you’d never break my heart, not again.’

He tightened his grip, pulling her against him. ‘But am I not doing it now? Telling you I can never love you while you pour all your love into me? You giving me everything while I give you nothing in return? How is that not breaking your heart into pieces?’

She went pale. ‘But given time I can—’

‘Did time work with your aunt?’ It was a low blow but he had to make her see. ‘Did that ever change her?’

Her lovely green eyes glittered. ‘You are not my aunt.’

He dropped her wrists and stood there, rigidly, covering up the fractures in the stone around his heart, holding on to what he knew to be true, to the certainty, thatthiswas the right decision to make. The only decision. And not for himself, but for her. ‘No, I am not. And I will not be her. I will not hold you to me when I cannot give you what you need to be happy. And I want you to be happy, Sidonie. I want you to be free to choose for yourself, to have someone who will love you the way you deserve to be loved.’

Her chin lifted, her back straight and proud. ‘But I have chosen. And I choose you.’

Every part of him was tense. ‘Then you have chosen poorly.’

And before she could say anything else, he turned and stalked back to the house.

CHAPTER ELEVEN

SIDONIEWATCHEDKHALILstride away from her, feeling her heart fracture into a million tiny pieces.

---