Page 50 of There I Find Peace

“Well, I definitely can’t argue with that. Because it’s true. God wanted a child to have a mom and dad. That was His plan. But because of sin, because of the fall, His plan isn’t always carried out the way He wants it to be. But I shouldn’t just go marry the first guy who will have me just because I want my girls to have a dad. Right?”

“Of course. I didn’t suggest that, did I?” He didn’t want that at all. He wanted her to consider him. Not to marry. He certainly wasn’t ready for marriage. Wasn’t even thinking... Well, what else would he be thinking? Just to have an endless, casual, little more than casual, maybe we’ll do something eventually kind of relationship?

Of course he should be thinking about marriage. What other reason would there be to have a relationship? Just to spend time with someone he enjoyed? That would be friendship. Friendship with any kind of “benefits,” for lack of a better word, would mean that he was thinking about a marriage relationship.

He definitely wanted more than friendship with Jubilee. He didn’t daydream about his friends. Didn’t wonder what they were doing all day. Didn’t lie down in his bed at night and wish they were with him.

For sure, Jubilee was not someone he was looking at in a friend kind of way.

But he could hardly admit that to her. Not now.

He laughed a humorless laugh at himself. She had to know it. Why else would he be down here on the beach sitting with her? Why would he have apologized and still want to go riding with her? She knew it, and she was telling him she wasn’t interested.

He felt dense.

“I guess I owe you another apology,” he said, getting ready to push himself off the sand.

“Why?” she asked, opening her eyes and looking at him, confusion on her face.

“Because you were clear. You aren’t interested in me. And here I am, sitting with you trying to talk you into it. That’s not exactly considerate. When you said no, I should have left.”

He was going to push himself up, but her mouth dropped, and her brows drew down like she disagreed with him.

Her expression was enough to make him pause to listen to what she was going to say.

“You don’t owe me an apology. I... I guess I could be wrong. If... If there was someone with whom I would like to have an entanglement,” she smiled a little at that word like she knew it had been bothering him, “it would be you. You are caring and concerned about your daughter, kind to people, not afraid to apologize, which honestly is a huge deal. I can count on one hand, with no fingers, the number of times my ex apologized to me. That is honestly more impressive than anything. Although, I suppose an apology without a behavior change isn’t really worth much.”

“I guess that was my cue to leave.”

“No. It wasn’t. I was just thinking that maybe my ex has apologized to me at times, but it’s more a belligerent, I’m sorry that you have a big problem with it, that’s too bad for you, and then he just continues to do whatever he wants to. Anyway.” She laughed a little. “Maybe I’m a little confused. I want to do the right thing, you know? I don’t want to get into another marriage where my girls and I aren’t important, where we’re not loved and cared for.” She sighed. “I don’t want to say happy. Because that’s not really what I mean. Maybe I don’t want to be in another relationship where it’s not important to be a family. Where I’m the only one who’s interested in having a relationship, and I’m the only one who tries to do things to build our relationship and make our family strong. Does that make sense?”

“Your ex was a jerk, and you don’t want to end up tied to another jerk.”

“I’m aiming a little higher than ‘not a jerk.’”

He laughed, and she joined him. He liked that they could share some easy laughter, share some deeper conversation, that it wasn’t just surface information.

“Of course you are.”

“And you definitely fit that bill anyway. No apology necessary, and I’m sorry if I am giving a lot of mixed signals. I guess that’s just what I was saying. I don’t really know what I want, or what’s going to happen, or what the best thing to do is. I just know right now, I need a job, need to make money, need to figure out where I can live, and I need to make sure that I can support my girls. Those are my priorities for right now.”

“And they’re good priorities. How about this, we’ll just be friends who ride horses together sometimes.”

“Sometimes?” She laughed. “And sit on the beach together, and talk about everything and nothing, while our girls play in the lake.”

“We’re just parents watching our kids play.”

“Exactly.”

He had settled back down and was ready to stay for a while, but she looked at her watch.

“I better be getting back. Your mom has been so good to me, and I don’t want to take advantage of her. She really has a heart to help and serve and love people.”

“I see a lot of her in you.”

She paused as she gathered up her notebook and pen, and tilted her head, looking at him. “That’s about the best compliment anyone could give me. The more time I spend with your mom, the more I admire her and hope that I might be just a little bit like her someday.”

“You’re on your way.”

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