Page 20 of Gingerbread Hearts

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Violet

I stare at my reflection in the mirror. I’m happy to spend an entire evening with Jake. This past week was a roller coaster of emotions and events. It helped that I’ve been swamped at my work. Dozens and dozens of cookies needing baked and decorated. All that time alone in the bakery’s kitchen allowed me to sort things out, to figure out my feelings.

Jake still plans on leaving around New Year’s Eve. Initially our time together was going to be a quick fling. Evenings full of fun, flirting, and some sex. Now I truly wish he were staying in Kastle Harbor after the holidays.

I smooth the skirt of my velvet dress, the emerald fabric soft under my fingers. I love emerald, especially during autumn and winter. Thinking about the future, the potential of Jake being in mine, gives my stomach butterflies. For the millionth time I question my decisions and my feelings.

The knot in my stomach forming once again, pulling tighter and tighter with each negative thought.

Jake will be gone soon.

Christmas is basically our expiration date and then he’ll be back to living in the city. Once the holidays are over, I’ll remain here and everything will simply go back to normal.

I’ll be alone again. And that’s okay.

The doorbell brings me out of my thoughts. I put a fake smile on my face to greet Jake on my porch. As I open the door and see him standing there, my grin is completely genuine. He looks dashing in a black wool coat and bright red and white striped scarf. Not quite his usual look. I wonder if his grandmother knitted the scarf for him.

Despite being the baker, I will still be regarded as Jake’s date for the evening. In addition to wearing a great cocktail dress, I wear tights, simple black pumps, and a touch of makeup. I want to look nice and play the role of doting girlfriend, the whole time knowing that we’re nothing of the sort.

The car ride to the bakery is super short and we’re able to load the cookies and other goodies carefully and quickly. As we head to Jake’s grandmother’s, the drive is full of witty banter back and forth. The conversation between us is easy.

Finally at the party, he takes my coat. The house is warm and you can hear chatter and laughter coming from down the hallway.

Jake leans down, kissing my cheek. His breath hot against my skin as he whispers, “You look beautiful tonight Vi.”

I’ve spent hours naked with this man, yet he still makes me blush with just words.

“Thank you,” I murmur in return. “I love your tie, very festive.” I reach out, running my hands over the fabric.

The tiny cookies remind me of our time baking in my kitchen and of all the time we’ve spent together. I want to be closer to Jake, for him to pull me tight and hold me pressed against his chest. Maybe a brief tour of his bedroom will be on the docket for the evening.

“I thought you might.” he grins. Taking my hands in his, he gently squeezes them before letting go. “Here, let me show you around,” he says as he gestures towards the hall.

I nod and follow his lead. He starts the tour at the bar area. Jake hands me a whiskey cocktail before we mill about the party. The atmosphere is cheery and fun. Everyone is mingling about, chatting away, and someone is playing piano in another room.

Several times Jake holds my hand, if only momentarily. Each time he takes my hand my heart pounds in my chest. The thoughts I had pushed down are slowly creeping their way back.

Am I really ready to make a commitment?

To give my heart to someone?

The room starts to feel more crowded. My skin feels on fire and I’m starting to think I’m sweating through my dress. I excuse myself and head to the kitchen.

I’m alone now, the room empty and air much cooler. The chatter from the party is simply muffled background noise as my heart pounds loudly in my chest. I take a few deep breaths, hoping the familiarity of standing in a kitchen will help calm my nerves and racing heart.

I want something more from Jake. Something long lasting and more solidified. I can handle a long-distance relationship. I don’t want to live in the city, but I’d be open to long trips. Heck, maybe Jake would even consider moving to Kastle Harbor. It’s not like he’s a major player at his firm. He could just leave and start his own here in town.

My thoughts and feelings play ping pong between my heart and brain. Neither is winning. I realize that I’m basically an “I love you” away from throwing away my past.

If it really is love, we could make it work. I want to make it work. I need to find Jake, to tell him how I feel before I lose this courage.

I go to leave the kitchen when I hear some commotion just outside the almost closed doors.

“Congratulations on making partner, Jake!” someone shouts.

I edge closer to the doorway, keeping myself hidden. I thought Jake was just a lawyer at his firm, not a major part of the firm. Partner at a law firm in New York City is quite different. There’s no way he’d want to give up his lifestyle. He’d have no desire to toss away his playboy ways and settle down in Kastle Harbor. Let alone, how could I trust him if it was long-distance? My mind races as I finally stop to focus on the conversation again.

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