Page 38 of It's Just You

11

Finn

Of coursehe needed to try kissing me, which was some fucking stupid shit. What was I? His plaything? Someone to mess with?

Nowhe suddenly wanted to kiss me, trying to figure out if he was gay, or bisexual, or whatever. Or maybe just to see if I would let me do it to him, and then shove me back? Or was he playing with me, to… whatever? No, he wasn’t that mean, but then, I’d never expected to be hated that much when growing up. Still, no matter what, I couldn’t see Kane intentionally being that cruel to me.

He was too kind for that, right? Too soft. But why did he kiss me then? He’d even told me to stop flirting, so why the fuck would he kiss me now? There was no reason, absolutely none, and I knew how it would end.

Fuck no.

I didn’t want to be anyone’s plaything or experiment or anything else.

Damn it, yes, I was feeling sorry for myself, and I had every right to. Kane was never meant to mean so much to me, and he was never meant to fucking kiss me now, after telling me to stop hitting on him.

It wasn’t that I didn’t want to have someone in my life. I wanted to be as happy as Micah was with his husband and Daddy Carter, for example, but I sure as hell managed to fuck that up all the time.

After a few breaks spent in silence, and more very quiet walking, we finally arrived back at his bike. Nice. Earlier, I’d been thrilled at the idea of riding on the bike behind him again, but now… Now things were too complicated. I’d have to be too close to him, where I couldn’t even let either of us work through what had just happened.

“Listen…” Kane caught my arm. “I’m sorry. I’m really, truly sorry. I… I know it’s a lot to ask, but we were getting along fine before, and…” He trailed off, swallowed, and stared at the ground.

I looked at him, trying to read his face. Was I wrong for being upset?

“Can we just… go back to being friends?” he asked, finally looking at me with pleading eyes. “If that’s not… too much to ask. I’m sorry. I really am. I didn’t mean to ruin our friendship with something that was… stupid.” He looked away again when he uttered the last word.

I had no fucking clue what he wanted to tell me, if I was honest. And right now, I also couldn’t really focus on it. I needed some space, needed to come to terms with what happened.

Man, somehow, somewhere, this all had gone so fucking wrong. I liked him so much, and I always thought he liked me right back, but… but… then he asked me to stop flirting. And then to continue. And then he kissed me, but he wasn’t gay or bisexual or into men and— I was going to get a headache. And I fucking shouldn’t feel so crushed.

What if I would have let it continue? We would have kissed, somehow ended making out, I would like him even more, he would discover more about me, and then… then he’d laugh at me, or decide he didn’t want a guy at all.

He could easily get a girl when he wanted lace and makeup. Not someone with a cock, let alone someone who liked topping. Even if he did want to try out anal sex, I doubted he’d be okay with being on the receiving end. The big guys were always too macho for that.

Not that Kane seemed to be all that macho, despite his muscles and his job, but… I certainly could speak from honest experience. Apparently, it made you less of a man to take dick than to stick it in a hole.

I dismissed that thought, focusing back on Kane. “I’d like to be friends with you, yes. It was really nice, hanging out with you and talking with you.” I smiled carefully at him, not really knowing what to do now.

Kane didn’t look like he believed anything I was saying, but he nodded. “Let’s go. I have some stuff to do this afternoon.” He headed for his bike.

And this was the end. No matter what we proclaimed, there wasn’t any going back to being friends again. You either ended up as lovers, or you ended up as strangers again. Kissing then only being friends, especially when you kind of liked each other, never worked.

I swung my leg over the seat then wrapped my arms around Kane’s waist. He carefully drove back, making sure not to speed up too much too fast so I didn’t have to cling to him too tightly. Wise choice, I guessed.

At least the silence couldn’t be awkward when the wind and the roar of the engine were so loud, almost intoxicating enough to let me get away with a few minutes of peace — or at least, it would’ve been peaceful, if it hadn’t been for my racing thoughts. They were running in circles now, with nothing new to say or think.

The drive back to my parents’ place seemed to take forever and no time at all, all at the same time, and before I knew it, we were pulling into the driveway. I hopped off the bike, handed Kane the helmet and backpack, and waited until he got everything sorted away.

Kane didn’t even remove his helmet, making conversation nearly impossible. A part of me was relieved. I didn’t want to try to figure out something to say.

I just wanted to sulk in silence and – ugh, those emotions were driving me fucking crazy, making it impossible to follow any kind of thought.

I headed to the door, completely ignoring the fact that I was still wearing Sam’s clothes. I’d give them back to him tomorrow or something. Right now, I just wanted to be alone.

Kane stayed right there until I got inside, then I heard the engine rev as he sped away.

I tried to ignore my father asking me something from the living room, planning to go straight into my room, but no such luck. “Finn, come in here a minute.” How had he gotten to the doorway that quickly?

I looked at him. “Sure.” I knew I sounded tired, exhausted even. But I could either be rude and flat out tell him I didn’t want to talk, or I could at least pretend to listen to him.

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