Page 37 of It's Just You

I took in his long, dark lashes, the carefully highlighted cheekbones, and the full, luscious lips painted a dark shade of red. How could a man be that beautiful? I mean, I knew he was, of course, but still, it somehow took my breath away, no matter how often I looked at him. And wasn’t that the weirdest thing ever?

What if… I stopped my thoughts right there. It was wrong. So fucking wrong. I’d told him to stop flirting with me, after all. Yet there I was, wanting to kiss him like I’d never kissed anyone before. Taste his lips. His mouth. I didn’t even fucking know what it meant, because I wasn’t gay. I wasn’t into men. But Finn was different.

I turned toward him before I could talk myself out of it, but then got stuck again, just looking at him.

While I was taking in his long, long lashes again, he caught me staring, apparently, because he turned his head, meeting my eyes. “Everything okay?”

I nodded. “Yeah. Just… no idea how to say it.” I was looking for words but didn’t find any.

He turned toward me completely, raising his face to look into my eyes, a small smile on his face. “I won’t judge, Kane. Whatever it is, spit it out.”

I shook my head. “I–”

Instead of speaking, I used my lips differently. I leaned forward, kissing him. Well, pressing my lips against his, in a soft, chaste kiss. Yet, it was the most erotic thing I’d ever done, small sparks tingling over my body just at the little contact.

Finn sighed softly and leaned into the kiss, opening up just a tiny bit, so I could taste him. Not enough for tongue, but just… that little bit I craved. My eyes had closed at some point, and I reacted on instinct, wrapping my arms around Finn, breathing him in, feeling his smaller body in my embrace, and it was so … so right. So perfect.

The touch lingered, Finn slowly, ever so slowly deepening the kiss, as I touched his lips with my tongue, taking a deep breath, pulling him closer–

“Fuck!” Finn jumped back.

I opened my eyes, looking at him, completely lost. Had something happened? Did I do something wrong? “Are you okay?” I asked, going through things that could’ve gone wrong. Had a wasp gotten him? Or…

“Shit, Kane. We… I… That’s not going to work.” He turned away, facing the landscape in front of us again. “Sorry.”

What the fuck was wrong here?

“Finn, talk to me. You’re scaring me.” I was completely lost, to be honest. “Did I do something wrong?”

“No. It’s… This isn’t…” Finn paused. “We shouldn’t do that. Can we head back?” He paused again. “Sorry. That was rude. I am… I…” He ran a hand through his hair, completely flustered. “I need to… Fuck, I have no idea what to say.” He looked at me again, unfamiliar uncertainty in his eyes. I’d never seen that before.

I could feel myself withdrawing, feeling rejected. I’d misread him so fucking much, it was unbelievable. All his flirting, it meant nothing. He wanted to flirt, but not me to act on it. Hypocrite, much? But I swallowed it down, what I wanted to say. Instead, I managed to sound rational. “Okay. Yeah. It’s okay. I think it’s really time to circle back around. We’re almost to the end of the trail.”

“I… Yeah, you’re right.” Finn stepped back. He cast a glance at me, then turned around to pick up the backpack I’d set down earlier.

I took it from his hands. This was still my job, even though I knew I’d fucked everything up.

I should’ve known he didn’t want me that way. Or… hell, I didn’t even know what to think anymore. He’d flirted with me, but then, I’d repeatedly told him I wasn’t into men, so maybe that was why he’d flirted… because he knew I wouldn’t try anything? Hell, that made no sense, but my mind was a mess. No matter which way I looked at it, it was just confusing, I was hurting, and it didn’t make sense at all.

The walk back was silent, but not the amicable silence from the way there. The good mood was gone. I should’ve taken what I had and kept his friendship. It would’ve been better than feeling like I was losing him, like I had now.

He started walking, this time ahead of me even though the path was broad enough for us to walk side by side.

I didn’t say anything as I followed him, but I berated myself the whole way back. I’d been stupid enough to think he liked me, and I’d been stupid enough to think that maybe I could like him too.

Well, I did like him. It wasn’t supposed to be that complicated — except for the part where I wasn’t gay and I was pretty sure I wasn’t bisexual either — but I wanted him somehow. And if I was honest with myself, considering how my brain and body had reacted to him, I probably wasn’t as straight as I’d considered myself at all.

Though, I still wasn’t feeling any urge to fuck, not Finn, not anyone else, but I still wanted to kiss him. That made me… What did it make me? Finn-sexual?

Maybe.

But it didn’t matter anyway. That ship had sailed, and now, it was at the bottom of the ocean.

I just had to accept that. No matter how shitty I felt.

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