Page 40 of Titan

His words tore a hole in my chest. He understood what I went through because he dealt with it too. Being seen only for your labels and not who you really were inside. And fuck if it didn’t make me relate to him all the more.

“I see you.”

His eyes darted away. The grip he had on my fingers was borderline painful, but I didn’t protest. I honestly didn’t care. The fact he was touching me made up for it.

“Do you?”

“Yes… you’re Gil to me. I don’t see the mafia boss, I just see you.”

He didn’t say anything for a long minute, as if he was weighing up my words to find their merit. I hadn’t seen him outside of the club. I didn’t know what his life was like nor what he had to deal with other than what he’d told me.

“I don’t know who Gil is.”

“What do you mean?”

He loosened his hold on my fingers but didn’t let go.

“I told you my father had a lot of expectations I didn’t live up to. He raised me to be a ruthless killer. Someone who doesn’t feel emotions or remorse for what he does in the name of ourfamiglia. It’s the only way I know how to be.” Gil’s eyes met mine again. “Then there’s Zayn, who expects me to do what is best for the family. Rule the way I see fit. He’s nothing like my father. He cares even if he doesn’t always show it. I feel like I’m stuck between two opposite forces… and neither of them are me. They’re not Gil. I don’t know who I am underneath the labels given to me by my father and my brother.”

No wonder he needed someone to talk to. Struggling with your identity and who you were inside was no walk in the park. I kept my hand in his, wanting him to know I was here. The things he’d admitted to me tonight were fucking huge. It made me appreciate this man even more than I already did. It felt like a privilege to be allowed access to his most vulnerable parts. It made me want to give him mine in return.

“You’re trying to find yourself while also trying to navigate your new role.”

“Exactly.”

“I can see how difficult that would be.”

He dipped his head in agreement before biting his lip. My eyes were drawn to it. The fullness of his mouth made me swallow hard. I shouldn’t be imagining what it would be like to kiss him. Guilt flooded me immediately. This attraction was not something I could afford to have. It didn’t stop me from feeling it. The only thing I could do was not act on it. Not allow it to consume me entirely.

“Things got a whole lot worse today. My working theory is that someone is deliberately trying to create trouble between me and my cousins. I have to work out who is behind it. They’re my cousins once removed from my great uncle’s side. They have their ownfamiglia.”

“What exactly isfamiglia? I know it means family, but I get the impression there’s more to it when it comes to the mafia.”

Gil removed his hand from mine. I felt bereft of his touch immediately.

“It’s what we call our mafia family. I’m the boss or thecapo, then I have an underboss and below him are thecapodecinaswho basically look after a section of their own men. That’s how it works for me and my cousins, anyway.”

He demonstrated it with his hands before settling them in his lap and giving me a half shrug.

“So you each have afamiglia.”

“Yes, but Zayn is still the head of my side of the family. It includes me, Enzo, my aunt Martina and her three daughters. At any other time, there wouldn’t be a separation, but Zayn doesn’t want to run the mafia. He never wanted it and he has enough on his plate already, so he entrusted it to me. Dino and Gian don’t like that at all. Going against tradition is simply not done in our world. At least, not until Zayn decided he no longer wanted to follow in our father’s footsteps. I can see why and where he’s coming from. I think things need to change, but it’s up to me to prove I can do this… that I can be a leader.”

The weight resting on his shoulders was a heavy burden to bear. I understood now why he was so troubled. Why he felt like he had no one else to turn to. Gil was enduring this by himself. He couldn’t afford to let anyone else in. And didn’t that fucking hit. I’d never been able to confide in anyone about my past. Especially not now it had resurfaced.

“Would it be weird if I said thank you for trusting me with this?”

“I don’t think so.”

“Then thank you. It means a lot to me. And I want you to know I’m not just saying that because you’re my client. I like spending time with you.”

Fuck, why did you say that? You shouldn’t admit that shit to a client, Theia!

I’d already established Gil wasn’t a client to me. He was someone I wanted in my life, regardless of whether he was paying for my time.

“I like spending time with you too.”

He smiled as he said it, making my heart flutter in my chest. Then he looked down at his watch, and I knew our time was over.

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