Page 39 of Titan

Gil didn’t want me for that. It was a revelation and had me sitting in some very uncomfortable feelings towards myself and the world around me.

Was I really so broken that I only saw value in my body and what I could do with it? Did I think that was all I had to offer other people, especially men? How could I think that about myself?

And yet it wasn’t entirely surprising.

When you get sex-trafficked and forced to please men you find abhorrent, it worms its way into your psyche. The idea you’re only good for one thing and one thing alone. It’s all they ever told me. I was a whore who needed to do what she was told. Years of abusive language, rape, and sexual assault changes a person. You can’t go back to who you were before. You have to find a new version of yourself underneath all those layers of trauma. I could only be glad I was taken away from that life. It allowed me to heal. Working here at Desecration helped with that too. And now I’d met Gil, I realised I had to do some more soul-searching.

“Theia.”

My attention went back to Gil, who had opened his eyes and was staring right at me.

“Yeah?”

“Would you want to watch?”

It felt so strange to be asked what I preferred when I was always the one making sure my clients’ needs were taken care of.

Being the watcher was never something I’d ever considered, but voyeurism and exhibitionism went hand in hand. They were two sides of the same coin.

“Other people? I could see that being hot, but I wouldn’t want to be in the room with them.”

My eyes went to Gil’s palm. I watched my fingers as they moved across it. It was relaxing for me too, especially after all the stress I’d experienced because of the letter and the charm. This was far more effective than dancing had been. He represented safety and security.

“This big scene you have. Is it something you’ve done before?”

“Yeah. I was super nervous the first time, but I’ll be fine. I trust them, my work colleagues. We’re a family, you know. We take care of each other.” I concentrated harder on my fingers. “There’ll be four of us, so it’s a lot to coordinate.”

Telling the man I was obsessed with I’d been in scenes involving three other people made me nervous.

“I can imagine it is.”

I looked up, finding his expression neutral. Gil could be impossible to read.

“You’re not weirded out by that or anything?”

“No. It’s your job. If you didn’t want to do it, you wouldn’t.”

I don’t know why I kept questioning whether he was okay with the things I did. It was hard not to have that reaction when so many people judged you for being a sex worker. I had to stop being so worried about what he thought. After all, Gil hadn’t judged me so far. He’d been far more understanding than anyone else I’d met outside of Desecration.

I decided I would be honest with Gil, no matter the consequences. Deep down, I felt like I could trust this man with anything. And it was quite possibly the scariest thought I’d ever had.

Fourteen

Theia

I shook my head and smiled, not wanting to alert Gil to my internal debate. It wouldn’t do to let him know I was far too attached to him for my own good.

“I’m sorry I keep asking if you’re okay with what I do. Guess I’m so used to people looking down at me for being a sex worker. Having someone be okay with it outside of my work colleagues is new to me.”

Gil frowned.

“Even your clients think that way?”

“Not all of them, but with some of them, you can tell if you met them outside of the club, they’d definitely look down on you.”

Without warning, his hand closed over mine, trapping my fingers against his palm.

“I hate that you have to deal with such judgements, but I also understand. People determine your worth and value on what you do for a living. They think it defines who you are as a person. I have to deal with it too.” His hand tightened around mine. “I’m seen as the second son of Gennaro Villetti, a man who was never meant to take the reins while my older brother still lives. They judge me as unworthy of being the new mafia boss, but they don’t see me… they don’t see Gil, just as they don’t see Theia.”

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