This confession hasn’t made me feel any better at all. If anything, getting it all out in the open has made it worse. It’s slowly becoming so real that I can’t handle it.
“I think we should go, Mom. To protect James. I don’t know if I want him to connect with Frederico…if it’ll be a good idea. I don’t want us to be rejected.”
Mom is no longer holding up the mask that everything is okay. Her expression falls, and I can see the intense weight of this problem pressing down on her. I never wanted this. I didn’t want to drag her into my mess, but it’s gotten so bad that I suppose it’s too late now. I need help, and she’s just about the only person who can assist me.
“Do you think there’s a chance that hewillreject you?” Mom asks quietly. “You don’t think this could all end up as a lovely story?”
Now that is an image I can’t fathom…like a dream come true scenario, but one I’m sure will never happen. I’ve dreamed about the idea of us having a real family. But for that to even be possible, I would have had to tell Frederico right away long ago. At the time, I thought I was doing the right thing by keeping James to myself, but now I’m not so sure. Now I don’t know if anything I did was right.
“It isn’t going to happen, Mom. Frederico… I still don’t think he wants to be a father. I think he’ll reject me and James, and I don’t want that for my son.”
“What are you thinking then, Lexi? What do you want to do?”
I tap my fingers on the table, trying to work out the right move. “I need to speak to the people I’m working with here. How much longer will they need me because it might be time for us to go back home I study Mom’s face for a reaction. I want to know what she’s thinking about leaving for the UK. She doesn’t give much away, though. I can’t read what’s going on in her head.
“Okay, if that’s what you want.” Mom finally speaks. “Me and James are here for you. If you think we’ll be better off back in London, then so be it. I don’t want you to go through the heartbreak of rejection. James too. That poor boy doesn’t deserve it. You’ve done such a great job of raising him alone. You don’t need anyone’s help.”
I nod with determination. Much as it might not settle with me, this is what we need to do. I won’t forget the look on Frederico’s face when he suspected that James might be his, and he didn’t seem happy about it. I don’t want to push it further and give him a chance to yell at me.
“I’ll have a meeting with my boss tomorrow to see what he has to say. Maybe then we can make the right choice…you know, for all of us.”
Mom smiles and lifts her mug to her lips. I still can’t quite read how she’s feeling, but I suppose it doesn’t matter. She has already said that she will do whatever I want. At this point, she just wants to do whateverIthink is best. That’s a lot of pressure, but for James, I need to rise to the occasion and do what’s right. And if that means moving back home to London…
Chapter 22
Frederico
“Youdon’tseemlikeyourself, Frederico,” Adam says as he nudges my arm. I drifted off again, losing myself in a daydream. I keep doing this. I know it’s driving my brothers mad at work, but I can’t help it. I don’t want to push Adam away too. “What’s going on? You look like you have loads on your mind. Wanna talk?”
My instinctive reaction is to shake my head no because that’s what I always do. I don’t like the idea of talking about things because I will have to feel everything all over again. I learned that when I lost Marianne and my unborn child. I hated talking about them; in fact, it killed me to keep going over it. I don’t need that sort of pain again. But just as I’m about to shut Adam down, something halts me in my tracks. I end up freezing and considering talking. He already knows that I kinda like Lexi, and we’ve had dates. That might make it easier…
I hope so because talking to Vincenzo and Elio hasn’t been enough. I need more advice.
“I don’t know how much you know,” I begin, my heart hammering against my ribcage. “But there’s more to the story with me and Lexi. There has been more.”
Adam takes a sip of his drink. He seems nervous. Does he know or is this coming as a shock to him? I really can’t tell, but I should keep going to get this off my chest before I talk myself out of it.
“We actually got together at your wedding, just for the one night. A couple of years ago, obviously.” I swallow hard as I get to the next part of the story. “And now Lexi has turned up, a child in tow, and I can’t help but wonder…”
Adam waits for me to continue with a cocked eyebrow, but I’m leaving the sentence hanging, waiting for him to pick up on the news. But that doesn’t seem to happen. Maybe Adam really doesn’t know everything.
“Wonder what?” he finally asks. “What are you thinking?”
“Well, I can’t help but wonder if the kid is mine.” It’s crazy to keep saying it aloud. Adam sucks in a breath and holds it for a moment. I watch the color drain from his cheeks as he tries to process this, confirming that he knows nothing.
“Wow… I don’t quite know what to say. That’s nuts…”
“I know,” I agree. “That’s why I can’t exactly process it. It doesn’t help that Lexi is being really odd about it all. She won’t say anything either way. Do you know anything about the father of her kid? Has she ever told Allegra?”
Adam shrugs to indicate “no”. “Allegra wouldn’t spill her friend’s secret, even to me. I kinda got the feeling that it was some guy from work…”
A thick lump of emotion forms a ball at the base of my throat. I don’t like that idea. Since I’ve never been able to shake her off ever since we first met at the wedding, Lexi has been on my mind the whole time. I don’t like the idea of her meeting other guys along the way. Not missing me as much as I was missing her. But I don’t think that’s true, anyway…
“I don’t think the father is some guy from her work, Adam,” I tell my friend seriously. “I think she’s been hiding the truth from everyone. I think… well, maybe…” This is harder to get out than I thought it would be. “I think maybe James is my child.”
Adam says nothing. He purses his lips tightly, mulling it over. It’s very clear now that he’s in the dark.
“Do you really think that?” he finally asks. “That the boy is yours? I haven’t ever thought about that. I never questioned it. But maybe he is. I mean, the kid looks a lot like you, doesn’t he? If I think about James’s face… yeah, he could be.”