Page 88 of Was I Ever Free

It’s dark out but Lucy is still impressed, an awed look on her face as she steps out of the car. “How lovely,” she says, her voice low and hushed as if trying not to bother the scenery around us.

Grabbing our bags, I say nothing, simply kissing Lucy on her warm cheek before leading us up to the front door. Inside, I head up the wooden stairs to the mezzanine where the master bedroom is located. Dropping our things, I walk back down and meet Lucy in the living room near the fireplace.

She seems lost in thought, chewing on her lips, then looks up at me. “You’ll need some space, won’t you? I can sleep on the couch until you feel better, I’ve been researching the symptoms and it says that—”

“Luce,” I say, interrupting her while trying to sound soothing. “There’s a guest bedroom down the hall, I’ll just stay in there for the first few days. You can stay upstairs.”

Her eyes are watery while she studies me in silence. “Are you sure?”

“I’m sure,” I tell her with a kiss on the lips. “I’ve done this before.”

A tear rolls down her cheek but she tries to smile nonetheless, giving me a small nod.

“We’re going to be fine,” I whisper.

“We’re going to be fine,” she repeats softly.

46

Ispend the next four days in a state of limbo. Bastian hasn’t left the guest bedroom since that first night. He warned me it would be like this. But it’s worse seeing it. I try not to spiral into calling reinforcements—a priest maybe… because if I didn’t know any better, I’d say he spent these past few days exorcizing a demon.

Every few hours, I creep into the room just to make sure he’s breathing. My heart breaks every time I see him like this, laying on his side most times, curled into himself with the sheets pushed off the bed, shivering but also burning up, barely conscious. I press cold, wet towels on his skin, and he sometimes lets out small hisses as if even this gentle contact hurts. I leave fresh water and food on the bedside table and resist the urge to crawl in next to him and wrestle against the demon in his stead.

I spend a lot of my time on the back porch, lost in thought. The cottage is perched on a small hill, and I find myself staring into the ocean for long periods of time, quietly lulled by the waves crashing below. Noxport has the ocean too, but it feels different in Midnight Cove. I could see myself living here. Remote but peaceful. I guess, by definition, the commune was remote too.

But peaceful? Far from it.

On the fifth day, Bastian starts to leave the bedroom, never for long but at least it’s a start. We sit in silence outside while he smokes cigarettes and I pretend to read. Then he returns to his bed to sleep, but not before kissing me on the forehead first.

* * *

On day ten,while the morning sun still paints the sky a soft pink, I find Bastian already sitting on the back porch, writing in a small black leather-bound book. He looks better, all things considered, but the dark circle lining his right eye tells me all I need to know. That, and his gaunt-looking cheeks, knowing he’s barely touched the plates of food I’ve been bringing him.

I settle beside him while he tucks the pen into the notebook and closes it.

Pulling my knees up to my chest, I lock my arms around my legs, keeping my gaze fixed on the ocean and the looming cliff in the distance, the shimmering horizon further ahead.

“How are you feeling?” I ask.

His eyebrows dip as if remembering something painful.

“I’ll be okay,” he says after a moment.

My heart sinks, knowing he’s keeping the worst from me and I wonder if he will ever be capable of expressing his feelings. Be free of the need to keep everything locked inside.

I don’t push. Instead, I change the subject.

“I love it here,” I say with a smile just as the fresh morning breeze dances through my curls.

“Yeah?”

I nod and then look at him. “Yes. I think a house near the water would be a beautiful place to live, don’t you think?”

Bastian peers over, studying me with a look that I can’t decipher. “I can build you one, Baby Blue,”

I laugh, slightly confused. “Build me what?”

“A house near the water.”

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