Page 93 of The List of Things

“I like it with sugar and vanilla soy milk. And I like caramel flavoring. What about you?” I ask him.

“I’ll take it, however, it’s given to me. I’m indifferent about coffee,” He tells me.

I want to gasp, but it seems just like Bellamy to not care. It seems just like him to drink the first thing he sees on the menu at some small cafe. Or he’d order whatever I got every time we got coffee together, I smile at the thought.

“I talk in my sleep sometimes… and I sleep in the fetal position most of the time... But I like something under me, under my face when I sleep whether that’s a person, or a pillow, or a blanket,” I tell him.

“I normally sleep on my stomach, TV off always, no noise, no light.”

“My favorite holiday is New Year’s,” I continue to rattle off facts.

Like if I don’t get it out tonight, he’s never going to know. Which is probably true. This over sharing isn’t a usual occurrence for me. I don’t have much longer with Bellamy anyways… I don’t tell anyone about my favorite holiday. Mostly because people never truly get it. Sienna knows. She likes that my favorite is something different, but now Bellamy knows. Mostly because I know he’d never judge me, just like my best friend.

“Really?” I feel that childish excitement when he asks.

The kind that you get when you feel like someone cares, like someone is excited to be around you, and you are realizing it for the first time. I’m realizing that now.

“Yes, really… It has been since I was younger,” My mind wanders to the fondest memories of my parents.

“Why?” I feel like Bellamy asks questions because he really wants to know.

Because he really cares about what I’m going to say, and that’s something I love about him.

“Because my mom and dad always used to throw neighborhood parties. All their work friends and our neighbors would come over, and I was always young. I stuck with my parents, and when I got old enough I could invite my friends. It was always so eccentric. Our house was… It was transformed, and I would cook with my mom always, all day long. My dad always made it a point to kiss my mom at midnight. I remember one time, my mom was in the kitchen with a friend and didn’t realize it was close to midnight. My dad was going crazy, he couldn’t find her, and he couldn’t miss the kiss. I just... I love the excitement. The hope. The gathering without the promise of presents. Anyone who is there actually wants to be there with you. I like the outfits.”

The memories flashing through my head are the most fond memories I have. My favorite memories.

“And you always dreamed of someone looking through a house of people for you. Just so they could make sure they kissed you into the new year… You dreamed of something real like that didn’t you?” He asks and I almost feel sick to my stomach at just how easy it is for him to read me.

“Yes, actually.”

“So you didn’t put New Year’s Kiss on the list from some movie, you put it on there because of your parents?” Bellamy asks and I nod.

“My parents are the only example of real, and true love. I’ve never had any other family members stay together. Not my aunts, uncles, and grandparents. All of my friends have dealt with shitty relationships. Sienna went through one for years, but my parents… What they have is magic. He… My dad and how he loves my mom is magic,” I speak softly.

“I’d search for you at midnight…” No one in my entire life has said something to me that’s made me want to cry happy tears.

This sentiment makes me want to cry overwhelmed, happy, and emotional tears. It takes everything in me not to cry them right now. I don’t speak at the confession. Mostly because I don’t know where it comes from. I don’t know if it comes from him feeling like he should say that to make this more real. I don’t know if he means it. I don’t know anything when it comes to Bellamy except how hard it is not to fall head over heels for the man. Especially when he says things like that.

“You don’t mean that,” I keep my eyes shut and he doesn’t stop us from moving or swaying.

“I do mean it because I did do it… I didn’t actually have to search for you because I couldn’t stay away from you long enough to lose you before the clock hit… You don’t get it Kamryn…” His breath is light, his lips brush against my hair and I fight the urge to cry again.

I fight the urge to let every single emotion crash through me right now.

“Bell…” I whisper his name, not knowing what else to say to him.

This night is all so much. So much for me, and so much for us. I… I feel so deeply for him right now, and I don’t understand it at all.

“I think you have the purest heart Kamryn...” He says and I feel my so-called pure heart melt. “I know that no one knows about your romance obsession besides Sienna. And I know that it’s not common knowledge, and I get that, but I know that it makes you feel. And I think the way you love, and the way you hope, and the way you talk. It’s just perfect. You’re so much sweeter than you show to the world, and I like that about you because you keep it for the people that matter. You keep that for yourself.”

He’s genuine, he’s sweet and he’s perfect. He’s too good for someone that has such a vindictive outlook on relationships the way that I do. He needs someone with the same ideals and the same outlook on life. He needs someone who would be able to trust and love him the way I can’t. He’s the optimist, and I’m the pessimist, and I want to tell myself that sometimes that works. But I don’t think either of us deserves the disappointment when it doesn’t work.

“You’re too kind for me,” My voice sounds like a warning and maybe it should be.

“No one is too kind for anyone… Kamryn baby…” He pulls me back and looks at me. “You’re the kind of person people write romance books about. Don’t accept less than that.”

My words are caught in my throat. He looks at me, directly in my eyes, and I swear if I didn’t know better I think I’m falling in love with him right now, just from looking at his eyes like this. His eyes lose their focus. They shift to my lips first, and then to my eyes. He’s fighting himself to look back down again.

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