Page 90 of The List of Things

“I’m fine.”

“Baby, you don’t sound okay. Are you okay to go home? Do you feel safe?”

I let out a shaky breath and I don’t think about it before I even speak.

“Can I come over?” My question surprises me.

Mostly because it’s unlike me. Mostly because I thought that I would be tolerating him throughout this entire endeavor, not relying on him to comfort me. It’s shocking because I’m afraid of rejection, and I know that he could tell me no right now, but all I keep thinking about is being in his presence so I have to try.

“Always,” He says and I feel heat flow through my stomach, and tears burn my eyes. Relief is prominent in me. “Hey, Lawsy...”

“Yep,” Both of Lawson's hands are on the wheel, and his eyes are on the road.

His knuckles are white from how hard he grips the steering wheel.

“Thank you,” Bellamy’s voice is sincere.

“Of course. I’m going to be there in a few minutes to drop her off. The apartment is yours tonight,” He tells his best friend, and I let out a short sigh, trying to not cry right now.

I didn’t hesitate to ask to go to his place, but I know it’s the place that will make me feel the most comfortable right now. Bellamy makes me feel simple. He makes me feel like things aren’t the end of the world. He makes me feel like stuff isn’t as bad as it feels, and I want to feel like this wasn’t that bad. I want to feel okay right now.

I want to work through what happened, but I don’t want to do that alone. We drive in silence, no music, no nothing. I notice the normal apartment building that I’ve been to a few times now, and Lawson pulls up to the front. Bellamy is already standing out front. He’s not wearing a shirt, only sweatpants. It looks like he ran from the apartment the minute Lawson said he was dropping me off.

“Tell Sienna that I’m okay... And tell her that I’ll call her and tell her everything tomorrow.”

Lawson nods, “Um… I… I will. Are you okay though? Really?”

I have no idea what’s really going on with Sienna, but I’m sure he’ll talk to her tonight before I do.

“I will be. Thank you. I was afraid you thought... I was afraid you thought I was trying to hook up with him, or that it was my choice because-”

“I could see how scared you were, Kam. I didn’t think that for a second. I’m sorry I didn’t step in sooner,” He speaks out to me. “Be safe.”

I open the door, and start to get out of the car, “You too.”

Bellamy steps forward, he doesn’t touch me, he just looks at me, and leans down. I walk forward, not hearing what he says to his friend as I step inside the apartment building. I cross my arms over my chest, feeling exposed right now. Bellamy walks in, his hands in his pockets.

“You’re staying the night?” He asks and I hesitate. “You’re more than welcome to. I want you to. Only if you feel comfortable,” He puts me first without hesitation.

My heart melts.

“I want to stay with you,” I admit.

“I already have clothes set out for you.”

The butterflies reign free in my stomach, just like they have every single day since I went out with Bellamy. We get in the elevator, and Bellamy is looking at me. I can feel it, but I don’t know what to say other than I don’t want to be looked at.

I don’t know what to tell him. I don’t know how to talk to someone I feel like I barely know, but know so well all at once. The elevator opens, and he leads the way to his apartment, and once he opens the door, I step in first, and we walk into his bedroom together. Just like he had said, there are clothes ready for me.

“Go change, or shower, or do whatever you need to do. I’ll wait. I can sleep on the couch if you’re not comfortable being next to me… or you can stay here with me,” He motions to his bed.

I just look at him, not sure how to respond to his kindness, especially not after how I ignored him today. I know we need to talk about that, but I can’t... I don’t think I can even think about what happened today... All I feel like doing right now is pretending. All I’d like to do is to be with Bellamy Archer and pretend with him. Just for one night.

CHAPTERTWENTY-ONE

I DON’T KNOW YOU AT ALL BY LIZZY MCALPINE

I changeinto the large shirt that swallows me whole, just like I wanted. After I’m dressed I dive into my drawer in Bellamy’s bathroom. I brush my hair and my teeth. I remove my makeup, and I get as comfortable as I can.

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