Page 89 of The List of Things

“Did you do that because of Bellamy?” I ask, my eyes trying to stay focused on the street in front of us.

“Do what?” Lawson’s voice is low.

I’ve never been incredibly close with Lawson. He and I have always been cordial, even though we weren’t close. When we spoke briefly, it always felt like we were on the same page. The same wavelength in a weird way. I feel that now.

“Defend me like that… Step in at all,” I explain, and he sighs.

“I’d say yes because I feel like that’s what I’m supposed to say, but it’s not the truth. Not all of it. At the end of the day, he’s my best friend, and I care about the people he cares about. But I wasn’t thinking of Bellamy at all when I stepped in, no,” He admits.

I had a sneaking suspicion.

“Thank you… But why then, if not for Bell?” I ask, and Lawson laughs.

“Because you and I are the same, Kam. Truth be told I’m worse. I fuck anyone and everyone I want. I don’t hook up more than once. I dress in whatever I want. I talk to who I want and I party when I want. I’m almost positive your body count is half of mine, yet I’ve never in my life had to deal with anyone calling me anything, or commenting on what I do. I’ve never been approached like you were. I’ve never felt scared like that. I stepped in because it’s bullshit that people treat you like that and then they look at me like I’m…” He stops.

“Like you’re a god for all your… conquests,” I choose my words carefully and he nods.

“Because the double standard pisses me off. Because Caleb is a piece of shit for thinking like he does. I don’t care if you’ve said yes to everyone on campus besides him, he still has no fucking right. I’ve never had to go through it, and I hate that you do. Even before Bellamy when someone mentioned it. When guys were fucking pigs about any girl, especially you. Bell and I both defend you. Because who you sleep with doesn’t affect anyone but you,” He finishes and I can’t even comprehend that.

Lawson and Bellamy were my defense team even before they knew me as well as they do now.

I stay quiet as he pulls away from the crowded street. We only drive for a few seconds before Bellamy’s name flashes across the car screen, a call coming in.

“I told him you were there… He was worried about you today, and I didn’t expect to see you there. I’m sorry.”

I shake my head. They’re best friends, it makes sense. That doesn’t stop me from fearing what he’ll say. The last time we spoke we were fighting. And having to tell him what Caleb said, what everyone else is probably saying…

“It’s okay, you can answer,” My eyes drift away from the screen, my stomach heavy at just the sight of his name.

I’d love nothing more than to crawl into bed with him, with his shirt on. With his arms wrapped around me. That sounds just like the comfort I was wishing for just a second ago. I don’t know if that’s even a possibility right now. I don’t know if Bellamy would even want to see me after what just happened.

“Do you want him to know that you’re in the car…” He asks. “I won't tell him if that’s what makes you feel the most comfortable. He doesn’t have to know anything at all,” He warns, and I shake my head, crossing my arms over my chest again.

He would keep this from his best friend because he cares. Because he’s respectful. That’s what makes me feel comfortable right now. Lawson being who he is, far better than I knew he was.

“I’ll end up telling him if you don’t. It’s fine, say what you want,” I can hear my voice shaking.

I don’t know if I’m cold or if I’m scared, or if I’m anxious. It could be all three. I really don’t know how I’m feeling at all right now besides hurt. Lawson answers the call and waits for Bellamy to speak.

“You don’t sound like you’re at a party,” His voice is over the loudspeaker of the car.

My chest burns at the sound of his voice. I shake and Lawson reaches forward, turning on a light stream of heat in his car.

“I left… Something happened, um...Kam...Kamryn is in the car with me, I told her I would take her somewhere else,” He tells his best friend.

“What do you mean something happened?” Bellamy’s voice changes from normal to serious in a matter of a second.

“Caleb, the point guard of the basketball team. He happened. I stopped him before he got what he was looking for. She stopped me before I killed him for trying something like that,” Lawson won't look at me.

He’s angry, he has been since he left. Lawson has always been somewhat hot headed, I’ve seen it on the field and I’m seeing it now.

“Ryn, are you there?”

My heart beats faster the second he says my name.

“I’m here,” I hardly recognize my own voice.

“Are you okay? Did he hurt you?” When it was happening it didn’t feel good. It did hurt as he pressed against me, but I’m not hurt now.

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