Page 86 of The List of Things

He’s listening like a hawk, his face completely serious.

“Coach said he’s been keeping up with me, and all the teams I’ve worked with the past year, all the games I attend, and everything. He asked me to stay for the summer and do the sessions with the football players... The ones where all the NFL recruiters are at,” I hear her silence which only makes my heart sink. “But I didn’t say yes yet... Because I’m supposed to be coming home, and I don’t want you and Dad to think-”

“Oh please... I was just thinking about that boy you call your friend... Who seems to be going up to bat for you to the coach... Kammi, I want you to say yes. At the end of the day, it’s up to you but I would tell you yes in a heartbeat. Don’t say no because of us, say no for yourself, and yourself only.”

I eye Bellamy, the only real reason I would say no.

“I just hadn’t really thought about it, about staying. It was set in my head, and now things have changed. I don’t know... I just wanted you to know.”

I think about the other things that have also changed as I look at Bellamy.

“Well, I’m glad you let me know. I’m proud of you, that’s amazing that he’s had his eye on you baby. And think, even if you don’t go I’m sure he’ll still want you for the season over all those half wits you call classmates,” She insults my peers and I crack into a smile.

“Thank you, Mom... I guess I’ll keep you updated,” I groan out loud. “I love you Mom.”

I never forget to tack that onto every phone call of ours.

“I love you. Bye, baby... Bye, Bellamy!” She calls out to him, and he smirks.

“Bye,” He calls out to her, and then the line disconnects.

I stay quiet after the phone goes dead. I look around me and nod my head beside him.

“Pass me that shirt?” I ask him, and he doesn’t budge.

I feel nerves skyrocket at the way he’s looking at me, “Please?”

He still doesn’t move.

“Fine. I’ll get it myself...” I start to move, and he reaches for it, holding it in his hands.

“You weren’t going to tell me?”

I shrug, “No because it doesn’t really matter. I probably won't go anyway.”

I hold my hand out for the shirt, watching his brows furrow.

“Why in the world would you say no? Isn’t this exactly what you’ve been working for all these years? This is a huge deal Ryn...” He tells me and I snatch the shirt from his hands.

“It is a big deal, but so is family to me. I just had no intention of staying this summer. I never said no, I said probably no. I don’t want to talk about it, Bellamy,” I shake my head.

I can’t talk about it. Not with him.

“I do... Were you just not going to tell me?” He asks again and I shrug and throw my hands down in front of me.

“I didn’t know what I was going to do at all and to be honest if I didn’t want to tell you I don’t have to. Because I don’t really have to tell you anything I don’t want to, you’re not my... You’re not my boyfriend, Bell. I’m allowed to keep things to myself.”

He presses his lips together and sighs.

“I’m very, very aware I’m not yours Kamryn. That doesn’t mean you have to keep shit from me. We were friends first, remember?” His tone is stronger now, and there’s a pang of guilt in my chest.

“You’re right we were friends,” I admit, feeling the weight in my words.

Were.I meant to say that too, mostly because it feels true. We were friends, and now we’re confused. Because I can’t be his friend now. I can’t be friends with people I want to sleep with. He raises his eyebrows at my words, and I shake my head, not knowing if I meant it in the way it sounds now that I’m sitting here.

“Kamryn, you don’t have to tell me everything. You don’t have to give me everything. But something would be nice,” His words are more true than I’d like them to be.

“I don’t have to give you anything, because this is fake. It’s not real, and it’s just… It’s not fair for you to expect anything more,” I shut myself away, my walls building around me.

---