Page 87 of The List of Things

I say the things that might hurt him, just to get him to go. So he’ll stop asking me questions. I can’t tell him I don’t want to stay because of him. He’d never let that go.

“I have stuff to do...” I mumble the words, not looking at him.

“Are you asking for space Kamryn?” I nod to his words, annoyed that he can read me. “All you have to do is ask,” He stands up, and walks toward me.

He crouches down in front of me, and brings me forward, his hand on the back of my head. He kisses my forehead and then stands up again, grabbing his keys from the coffee table.

“You don’t have to try to hurt my feelings to get me to leave you alone. I’m trying to be your friend. Someone who can be there for you, fake dating or not. Right now, or months from now. I understand fear but you don’t have to shut everyone out,” He speaks softly and walks out of my apartment, leaving me alone.

I wonder how he’s always doing the right thing. He’s not even mad as he leaves my place. He offered to leave, and that’s not normal. None of this is normal, especially not for me, and for once I feel practically helpless with all the decisions sitting in my lap. I pull my phone out and invite Sienna over, needing girl time. Truly I need anything but Bellamy time.

CHAPTERTWENTY

BAD REPUTATION BY SHAWN MENDES

Siennaand I didn’t talk about Bellamy and it felt good just being with her, and not needing advice on my not relationship. She helped me pack, we did a face mask, and she did my makeup for tonight. I left my house when I decided on a party instead of talking to Bellamy. I used to be the type to go to parties alone before finals two weeks ago. I used to like being in a group of people that don't care about me. I just want to have a drink, and not feel anything for Bellamy. Just for now. That’s all I care about.

I’ve had an incredibly hard time doing that since I walked through the doors of the frat house. I noticed how dirty, and disgusting it was, and thought of Bellamy being the exact opposite. I had to get myself a drink which hasn’t happened in the past week and a half because Bellamy gets them for me. I then saw other football players lining the walls of the party and thought of him. Especially when I saw Lawson who was with some of his teammates. I have no idea if he saw me, but I saw him. I know Sienna isn’t coming tonight, she told me she didn’t want to go out. I wonder if that’s why he’s here, to let go of stress from his not relationship just like I am.

Now I’m resting against the wall, by myself for the night, debating if I should leave, and wallow in self pity, or continue to do it here instead of talking to Bellamy. My heart is useless because it’s telling me to text him back. He has texted me today. Only twice. One was an apology, and the other asked if I would come over, not for a date despite him having something planned for tonight, he said he just wanted to talk. I didn’t know what to say, so I said nothing. I don’t want to talk because I’m scared I’ll say something I don’t want to say out loud.

I want to be closer to Bellamy, but I shouldn’t be. I want to know everything but the knowledge would be useless a week from now because feelings are not an option once I’m on that bus home. Feelings are not an option when we are on that field together. Knowing him the way I want to is not an option. Talking to Bellamy is not an option right now. Especially because he’s only perfect because of the list, outside of it, I have no idea what I’ll be faced with.

I feel wrong being here. I feel bad. That’s another problem. I know Bellamy isn’t really mine. We aren’t dating, and I said that to his face, but I feel like he should know I’m here right now. I feel like I need to reply even though I don’t want to. I don’t think I’ve ever felt more than I have in the past week. I don’t like that either. I love my mom, I love Sienna. I like school, sports, and other things. I have feelings, but it’s never in a romantic way. I’ve strayed away from that in every sense that I can.

My eyes scan the crowd, this party is way more rowdy than Leah’s ever are. Frat houses are another breed when it comes to parties. There’s every walk of life inside these houses. All types of athletes considering the school we’re at. I know most of them too. I catch the eyes of one of the basketball players, he’s one of the more used players. I watched him a good bit on the court over the past few years. If I remember correctly his first name is Caleb. I look at him, thinking he’s going to walk past but he moves forward, stumbling in my direction. I catch his shoulder, holding him off of me as I move back.

“Hi stranger, why are you so close to me?” I instantly get defensive and speak sarcastically.

Caleb settles against the wall, his hand gripping my hip, his body close to mine. He pulls me forward, but I put my hand on his chest, already smelling the alcohol on his breath.

“We’re not strangers,” He speaks out. “We don’t have to be, I mean.”

His intoxication is radiating from his body. He’s too drunk for his own good, and what seems like mine too.

“We are though,” I try to slightly move back, but he holds me in place.

I don’t panic right away. Caleb has been known to be overly touchy, especially at parties.

“Word around is that you’re doing favors now. Fucking Archer just to make his ex jealous... I was thinking-”

“I’m not... Where did you hear that?” My eyes burn instantly at the words that fall from his lips. I feel like my ears are ringing.

Maybe I just heard him wrong… But if I didn’t that’s everything I feared. I feared what people would say, I feared how they would react, or if they would make things up. I was right to do so.

“Everyone knows now... Hey, don't be upset. We can help each other...” He crushes me to the wall.

I can’t move. Panic finally sets in. I can’t think, or move, or speak.

Caleb bends down, and I try to breathe through the anxiety that’s settling in my chest, The pure panic as I look into his glazed over eyes. He leans forward, and I press his chest back, but he moves forward anyway and kisses me hard. I push my mouth against him, trying to give him one kiss to move him off of me, resisting as much as I can. His teeth tug my lip between his. I taste copper and struggle against him, my body hurting from the tight feeling of his crushing mine. I groan as I try to shove him from me, but he barely budges. My muscles ache from how hard I’m pushing him away.

“Let me go...” I speak through my teeth, struggling to move from his venom grip.

“Kamryn?” I hear a voice near us, and I feel relief when Caleb is removed from me, and stumbling back.

Lawson stands there, his eyes looking between me and Caleb.

“Was he forcing himself on you?” Lawson’s jaw is tense as he clenches it, his eyes set on me.

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