Page 66 of The List of Things

I know I must look absolutely insane right now. But I can still smell him on me. The heavy smell of musk and vanilla. I smell the spice of his cologne all over me despite how subtle it is on him. I can’t stop the squeezing in my chest.

“I think I’m having a heart attack,” I feel warmth rushing all over my body despite the heavy wet clothes I wear.

I sigh and strip down from the dress into just a bra and underwear, and then I throw myself on the couch, reaching down to untie my shoes. I wouldn’t normally completely undress myself in my living room with company in my presence but I physically cannot wear those clothes anymore. I can’t have any remnants of him.

“Could you maybe explain why you think that? And also why you’re butt naked now?” She follows me through my apartment.

“Because my chest hurts, and it’s hot, and I’m sweating like a pig, and I feel like I might throw up too, or maybe not. I don’t know,” I kick my shoes off, peeling the socks off my feet. “And I’m soaking wet!”

I throw my socks on the ground and they splat on the hard floor. I lift off of the couch now, my pacing continuing.

“Calm down!” She walks forward to me. “Deep breath in, deep breath out.”

We breathe together, and I stare at her, the feeling not subsiding from my chest.

“Not helping.”

“Maybe explain what the hell happened and we can figure out what to do, alright?” She waves her hands in front of me, between the two of us.

She takes a seat on the couch in front of me, and my pacing starts once again in front of my coffee table.

“Okay, so we... Bellamy and I. We went on another date, and then he fake proposed to me, but he had a real ring. Not like a wedding ring but like a ring that fits me, and is for me. Well, that’s the thing I don’t actually know if it’s for me, or if it’s not for me. He didn’t ask for it back though so I’m pretty sure it’s for me. It’s pretty though, look,” I lean completely over the short coffee table, and shove my hand in her face as she sits on my couch.

“Pretty,” She smiles, and I take my hand back, my feet moving before I can think of anything else.

I step over my wet clothes as I walk the same path back and forth, back and forth.

“After I got it, I was confused, right? Kind of overwhelmed and then I started to feel… I don’t know… I just got all nervous, and weird, and then I really wanted to kiss him, because it was the only thing I could think about, and then he kissed me in the pouring rain, and that’s on the list, but honestly, it didn’t feel like he was kissing me because it was on the list.It felt like he was kissing me because I wanted him to, and he wanted to, and there was all this pressure in my chest, and I’m hot, right? Like, temperature wise, I’m so hot, and then he stops kissing me, and I hate that he stops kissing me, and then I get nervous again… and then I get quiet because I’m confused at why my chest feels so heavy and warm, and why it’s burning and stuff, and then we get out of the car, and he kisses me again, and all the pressure is gone, and then I ran inside, and now I’m here, and I’m naked and confused… And the pressure is back too,” I take a deep breath, finally getting air in.

“So you like Bellamy?” She asks.

“Of course I do. He’s really cool and super sweet. That’s not what I’m talking about. I feel like I’m going out of my mind. Or, like I said before, like I’m having a heart attack. Like I need medical attention right now. This isn’t normal, it can’t be normal,” I start to fan myself.

“No... You like him like him. Like you want to date him and tell him you love him. You like Bellamy like a real girlfriend likes her real boyfriend,” She sits up, leaning into me.

Then she gets the face that she gets when she’s getting ideas.

“No. He’s not my real boyfriend so that’s not possible.”

“Maybe he should be…”

I laugh, and then I wonder if she has lost her mind like I have.

“No…” I chuckle, shaking my head. “I told you to come over so you could talk sense into me, not so you could say things that aren’t relevant or true.”

“Just because you don’t want something to be true doesn’t mean it’s not true,” She shrugs her shoulders and then leans into the couch

“Sienna!” I throw my hands down, and she throws hers up in response.

“Okay fine! For argument's sake, let’s say that’s not true. You’re just dick whipped then... And you really want him so you’re frustrated or something. That’s the only explanation I can think of.”

I know that’s not true so now my thoughts go back to the first reason she said. Do I like Bellamy really? I want him all the time, and I like spending time with him... He’s hot. Extremely hot... And he’s sweet, and he listens and...

And he’s doing it all for the list.

So it makes sense. He’s doing this to be the perfect boyfriend for the list, and only for that reason. So that must be why I feel the way I do. Because he’s pretending to be exactly what I’ve wanted. But I’m tricking myself into liking him. All this fake bullshit is clouding my judgment. My heart is beating faster than it ever has.

“No, you’re right. I do like Bellamy... But the minute I go back home to my parents it’s going to be fine because none of this is real… Right? Those feelings will go away, they have to go away.”

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