Page 65 of The List of Things

“Are you alright?” Bellamy’s voice is low, and I turn to look at him, forcing a smile on my lips.

“Why wouldn’t I be?” The rain is hitting the top of the Jeep harder.

“I don’t know, you’re just quiet… I just wanted to check...” He reaches out and takes my hand in his, and it takes everything in me to not jump at the touch, fearing he might feel the shaking in my hands.

“I’m cold,” I lie, making an excuse for the shaking in my hands.

He lets go, and reaches forward, turning the heat on in the car. I feel warm air rush out, sitting well with the heat burning through my entire chest right now.

I watch out of the window, keeping my hands clasped together in my lap as I see the rain hit the window, my mind wandering back to the moments in the rain with him only a few minutes ago. My heart catches again, and I push the running images out of my head. It plays like a movie on the big screen through my mind despite how hard I try to stop it… It does feel like a movie, he feels like a movie. He feels perfect, and my brain immediately turns red at that thought, knowing it’s not true. Perfection doesn’t exist in people, and it doesn’t exist in normal relationships.

Bellamy doesn’t say anything, he doesn’t touch me, he keeps one hand on the wheel, and the other on the gear shift between us, the only sound is the soft radio and rain. I partially watch him, and partially watch the road, waiting until my apartment comes into view, my eyes finally landing on comfort.

No matter what I see I feel the harsh burn that hasn’t left my chest since the moment he kissed me. He turns to me as he parks on the street in front of my apartment. The rain hasn’t stopped but it has settled. It’s turned to a light drizzle. Not that it matters considering we’re both incredibly drenched. I look over at him, and I smile as a goodbye, and he reaches forward, stopping my movements.

“I-” My words are cut short by another kiss, and I don’t even think to fight it.

I welcome it, just like every other kiss he’s initiated with me. Because his kiss hits like a drug that I could never recreate no matter how hard I tried. Because the violent thrashing of my heart when he kisses me is something I’ve never felt in my life, and I don’t know if I fear it or cling to it but the skillful way he moves his lips. The way we kiss like we were meant to mesh this way... It’s overwhelming. I break the kiss, and he opens his door first, running around the car to open mine despite the rain.

He helps me from his car, silence filling every space between us. Heaviness coats every part of my body as I step out of the car, and he stands in front of me, bringing his hand forward, and up to my face. He moves my wet hair to the side, and he holds me by my jaw, the tips of his fingers brushing the back of my neck. I look at him, feeling that same perfect feeling. He presses his lips together as he smiles and I do the same thing.

“Tomorrow night? My apartment?” He asks and I nod, still not saying anything. “It’ll be a party. Wear something fun, and sparkly.”

I furrow my brows, “Sparkly?” I ask.

“Just nod and smile.”

I do, and he laughs, his chest rising and falling, and perfectly carved out under his wet shirt. I look down, and then back up, and he watches me do so. He brings his other hand up to my face, holding me the same on both sides now, his thumbs turning my jaw up so I’m looking straight at him. My vision blurs as he closes in on me again, kissing me once more. I lean into him, not wanting this feeling to ever disappear, but also searching for it, and questioning it all at once. He pushes back with his lips. My hands find his chest, the taut muscles underneath feeling warm against my chilled fingers.

I grip his shirt between my fists, pulling him closer to me, kissing him harder, and he presses his body to mine. I feel the cold metal of the Jeep behind me, digging into my back as he kisses me harder just like I want. His hand pressed to the Jeep right next to my head, his other hand still holding me. I snake my hand up the back of his neck and hold him tight to me until he feels the need to break from me. He takes a deep breath, and his eyes come into focus as I open mine. He’s breathing hard, and I’m doing the same, but he has a different look on his face.

“You should probably head upstairs... ”

I just stare at him. “Why?” I ask.

“Because if you don’t go now, I’m not going to let you leave, ever…”

I feel warmth crash into my stomach, and throughout my entire body, and then I feel like I might throw up. I lean up and press the quickest kiss on his wet lips before I sneak around him and onto the curb. He stands on the street still, his eyes turning to me.

“See you tomorrow?” I peer up at him.

“See you tomorrow…” He speaks the words like a promise.

I turn away.

“Remember what I said!” He calls after me.

“Something sparkly!” I call back to him, and he grins at me as I walk away.

The farther I move away the more the heaviness returns, and the burning, and the confusion, and the questions. My brain feels like a puddle right now, and I can’t begin to question why, not without Sienna.

CHAPTERSIXTEEN

LONELY BITCH BY BEA MILLER

I openthe door to my apartment and run my hands through my wet hair, my heart rate has skyrocketed since I left Bellamy. I feel like my chest might explode, but I also don’t know if that’s a bad thing. It feels like there’s no way this could be a good thing. Maybe I should go to the hospital because truly I think I might be having a heart attack. There’s a knock on my door, and I open it without looking to see who it is. My best friend stands on the other side of the door, and I pull her inside and slam it closed, my pacing continuing.

“What is going on with you?” Sienna seems genuinely concerned for me.

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