Page 119 of The List of Things

I stand up, a distance between us. His eyes follow me wherever I move.

“Well, there’s one date left… One place left on the list.”

His face melts into a soft smile, “You want to go to the beach?”

I nod, “If you want to, I’d like to.”

I extend an invitation and feel sick again.

“Are you asking me on a date, Kamryn Hart?”

I roll my eyes at him, “If you don’t agree I might die of embarrassment, and nerves, so just give me an honest answer. You can say no.”

He walks forward to me, snatching my duffle bag from the ground. He hangs his arm over my shoulder and walks with me toward the stairs.

“The day I say no to you is the day pigs fly, Ryn. Let’s go,” He starts walking us to the stairs, my body tucked into his.

We walk together in silence, the same comfortable stillness creeping back in between us. I climb into his car and send Sienna a quick text updating her.

Bellamy has changed into a pair of jogging shorts, and a simple black hoodie. His hair is drying in soft waves, and his eyes are pretty blue against the dark sky around him. He drives, and I sit quietly, the music he plays familiar because it’s the same songs I’ve listened to since the day I came home. He plays the playlist he made for me, and my heart starts to beat faster as I see the sign for the public beach.

“We’re breaking the rules again… It’s not midnight,” I tell him.

“I think we’ve both come to the conclusion that when it comes to The List of Things, we don’t follow the rules,” He smiles and puts the car in park.

I smile to myself, happy there’s no uncomfortable tension between us.

He gets out, and like a routine he comes to my side, and opens my door for me, helping me from the Jeep, and then to the back of his car, retrieving what I’ve now decided to call the date blanket because it’s one that’s been everywhere with us. We walk together, both of us taking our shoes off, and leaving them at the edge of the sand, feeling the cold gritty texture under our feet, and hearing the sound of the crashing waves in front of us.

There’s a breeze, and it’s far colder than it would be during the day. It’s not midnight, but it is later. Closer to 10 pm. Bellamy spreads the blanket, and I sit just as he does. We’re quiet at first. The stars look pretty as they reflect the ocean. The moon looks split right now, with only half of it showing its face right now. I sigh, my courage built up as much as it could be in this moment.

“I’ve thought a lot about everything the past week...” I start while Bellamy stares at the ocean in front of us. “I’ve thought about every date, every time we went out from start to finish. I thought about every kiss. I thought about the sex. I thought about every word and every simple morning. The little things that you did that weren’t a part of the list. The things we did that weren’t there. I listened to every song on that playlist front and back, and I felt so fucking stupid Bellamy,” I admit.

He looks at me carefully now as I say the words, and I see a small amount of confusion spread across his features. I know he wasn’t expecting that.

“Why?” He doesn’t look hopeful.

I hate that, especially because now I recognize that’s what he had every day two weeks ago. Hope on his features every single date we went on.

“I felt stupid because I should have seen from the moment that I went on that first date with you that this was more than what it was. I should have known the minute you kissed me, and I felt like I couldn’t breathe, and I should have known when you went above and beyond what was intended. I should have known, and I should have never left. I shouldn’t have run away.”

His knees are pulled up and his hands are clasped together, his arms hanging over his legs. He looks down.

“But I understand why you did. I get it. And I’d get it if you did now, if you turned this... Me down,” He speaks to me like he doesn’t want to say what he does.

Like it’s hard for him to get it out, but I appreciate him.

“I’m still mad at you for lying to me. And for going into the list with different intentions. But I can move past that. I can trust you when you say you won’t do something like that again. I’m also giving you a chance now to tell me anything else that you’ve lied about, or that you’ve kept from me,” I give Bellamy the floor, but he shakes his head.

“Nothing else. It doesn’t make it okay, but that was the only lie I told. When I said I didn’t and wouldn’t catch feelings,” He explains and I nod, swallowing the lump in my throat.

I can’t believe this is happening. I don’t know how to say these things. I’ve never had to before now. The movies make it seem so much easier.

“I love you,” I practically blurt the words out.

I don’t look at him. I look at the waves, hearing nothing else. His silence is deafening. I’m glad too, because I need to keep going before I let him talk.

“I know because every single time you did something that no one has ever done for me before, I felt something I’ve never felt before. I felt so much build up in my chest. Kind of like that feeling you get when you’re anxious. Where your chest is tight, and you feel like your heart might stop. And you feel like if you try to speak it might not come out. You cared for me without me even knowing, and it made me feel loved without me even knowing that's what it was. And I know it’s absolutely insane to feel the way I do, especially because I feel like I barely know parts of you, but never in my life have I wanted to know someone more than I want to know you. And I know I love you because when I look at you, and I see the way you smile at me it makes me feel absolutely insane. I love you, and I want… I want to try,” I think my heart is going to come right out of my chest.

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