Page 112 of The List of Things

I just hug him tighter, feeling his arms around me, not knowing if I’ll ever feel this again.

“I’m going to go now. But I’ll see you at summer sessions,” He pulls away, and I let him despite my not wanting to let go.

He just drove all that way to turn back around. A simple phone call would have sufficed. He knew I wouldn’t answer, and he’s far more romantic than the normal guy. He completed the cheesy romantic love confession that’s in every rom com, and it wasn’t even on my list. He drove here with one intention, and now that he’s completed it, he’s turning around, and going right back to campus.

I watch as he walks down the driveway, and makes it to his car. He turns around and waves to me before he climbs inside. I watch as he sits on his phone for only a few minutes, and then he looks up at me. I feel my phone vibrate in my pocket, and I look at him. He points to his phone, and I reach for mine, pulling it out of my pocket. I look at the notification and see a link from him. It leads straight to Spotify. The playlist he made me. He texts again.

“I started making this after our first date, and added songs anytime something felt right.”

I look up again, tears welling in my eyes. For once my heart feels incredibly fragile as I watch Bellamy pull away, the same million dollar smile on his face. I wish he didn’t have to leave.

CHAPTERTWENTY-SEVEN

WHILE I HAVE YOU HERE BY JOHNNY KNOX

I walkthrough the doors of my childhood home feeling a rush of every emotion all at once. I don’t know if I want to cry, or scream, or break something. I don’t know if maybe I just want to shut down completely. I have to go back. I have to go back to campus in a week because the opportunity is far too big to pass up, especially now that I know the truth of what the picture was. I was stupid to leave campus because of Bellamy in the first place. That’s not who I am, but all of this. It’s all so much.

“Kamryn?” My mom calls and I squeeze my eyes shut as I stand in the entryway. “What happened? Where is he?”

I leave my things, walking into the kitchen first. I see her in the living room, and I walk in, hugging her instantly.

“Thank you...” I squeeze her, and she hugs me back.

“What happened?”

“I just never would have known if you didn’t let him come here.”

She still looks confused as I let her go.

“Can you tell me what happened?” She asks me again and I nod, moving toward the couch.

I don’t want to have to explain everything, but I know if anyone can help ease my mind my mom will be the one. She’s always been that person for me.

So I start at the beginning and I tell her everything. Every detail from the ferry boat to the last night before I left to come back here. I tell her about when he made me feel better after the frat party. I tell her how his friends care about me and defend me. She listens to everything, not interrupting once as I explain where feelings came into play, and when I felt butterflies. When he took me to the most special places and how we talked about the most personal things. I show her my tattoo in person, and my mom seems happy as she listens to the story. She seems so calm.

“And when he came here, he told me. Well, he told me he loved me. That he was in love with me, and that he’s been looking for an opportunity to ask me out since February. He’s just…” I stop finally, shaking my head and covering my eyes.

Every emotion crashes to the surface, and I finally let it out, tears coming to my eyes.

“He lied though. As sweet as he is, and as good as he could be, he started all of this with a lie. I just don’t know how I’m supposed to feel,” I admit through my tears.

“You feel whatever is in your heart, and you let it figure itself out. You don’t ignore that, and you don’t push those feelings away. He lied. It was wrong that he lied. He’s acknowledging how wrong that was though. It’s the bare minimum, yes… But everything else he’s done is far above that bare minimum, don’t you think?” The question she asks is fair.

It’s truthful too. Everything Bellamy does is above the bare minimum.

“How do I know any of this is real, Mom? This was all for a list, every single feeling is. It’s fabricated, it’s based on something superficial and fake, and what if it’s not the same?”

“It probably won't be the same. There will be really bad days, and there are going to be times where it feels off, and not perfect. But I’m going to tell you something Kamryn. You have dreamed your whole life to live in one of those silly movies, and I know the way you look at your dad and me. I know you’ve always wanted that, and you’d be a fool to run away now because that’s exactly what you have. Bellamy jumped through hoops. He spent money. He even got his best friends involved to make sure every task was completed and then some. He made you feel welcomed, and comfortable, and he never once did anything that was even somewhat alarming, Kammi. That boy drove three hours to make sure you knew he cared about you, and that he was set up to look like the bad guy. He drove three hours just to make sure you knew he was sorry for lying. He’s always going to go up to bat for you. If he hasn’t proved himself yet, I don’t know what else he could do. I don’t know what anyone could do. He’s not perfect, but he’s about as close as you’re ever going to get,” She defends.

I take a shaky breath. He already put it into perspective, but she is drilling it in.

Every word she said made my chest light up. Just the thought of Bellamy makes my heart swell, and the recollection of everything these past few weeks too. He really did take me, and turn me around with how I feel about all these things. About relationships, love, and feelings, and he wasn’t intentional in that. He was just hoping for the best, and the best happened, and my stupid impulsive self ruined that for him. I know he’s not perfect but he’s real, and he tries his best, and he doesn’t skip past anything. He’s thoughtful and intentional.

“So how do I fix it? What should I do?”

“You spend time with your dad and me this week, then you take my car, and you go back to that school for summer sessions, and you finish that damn list. You have one date left.”

I laugh at my mom.

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