Page 111 of The List of Things

“I know this is a lot to take in, and I know you probably think I’m crazy, but you’re about to think I’m crazier because I’ve wanted you for months, and now that I’ve had you I know that you are literally the best I’ve ever had in every single sense, and I’m in love with you Kamryn. I love you. That’s why I came here. I couldn’t let you think I didn’t care when in reality, I care more than I probably should,” He finally takes a second to breathe, and I think my heart might have stopped altogether at the confession.

He truly is breathless. He spoke quickly like he was trying to make sure he got every word out before I got a single one in.

“You... Love me?” Outsiders probably think it’s insane, but to me, it doesn’t sound crazy.

Not at all because I think I feel the exact same way he does.

“I do.”

I can see the small ounce of fear in his eyes, and I get it. I feel it too. But part of me isn’t surprised. Bellamy is the nesting type, just like I told myself from the start.

“I knew this would happen. That’s why I didn’t want this, that’s why I never should have agreed to this dumb list,” I turn away from him, not wanting him to see my face.

Emotions pour through my chest like a heatwave. It was just a list, that’s what this was. It wasn’t real. The feelings are only real until everything gets ugly. We made it perfect, but perfect doesn’t exist.

“Look at me and tell me you don’t have feelings for me. Kamryn why would… Why were you upset about Leah if you didn’t care? If you didn’t want this?”

I laugh to myself because if I don’t I might cry.

“It’s not about feelings Bellamy, I developed feelings for you before the first week was finished. I honestly thought you knew, I thought you could feel it. Every kiss, every night, everything was real. It felt real, and I wanted it to be real, but that’s just it. None of this is real. This was all stupid dates and a made up list. This isn’t what we would be, this is fake. This isn’t the fights, and the hard times, and the crying, and screaming, and this isn’t what it would feel like if we had to break up. If you got an NFL contract, and I stayed here, or you cheated, or found someone better. This isn’t that, this isn’t real.”

He shakes his head and steps up the last stair, now on the same level I am.

“It can be real. All of this can be real Kamryn. I wouldn’t treat you any less than I have the past two weeks. I would care about you, and I would defend you, and I would love you every second of every day like I already do. You… You are a dream Kamryn, and I have no idea what the world will look like in a year when we graduate, and I have no idea if the NFL is anywhere in our future, but I do know that no matter what I’m doing I’d like you in my life. I want you, good times and bad times, and I want this to be real. I feel like I only just got to know parts of you and I want to know everything. Kamryn I’ll do everything I can.”

I press my lips together.

“How do I know that?” I challenge him again.

“You don’t, you just have to trust me. And I know how hard that can be, and I know that you might have to work on it and figure it out, especially after I broke your trust. I’ll do everything in my power to gain it back… But I’ll wait. I’m fine with waiting, and I’m fine with figuring it out. I’m fine with going at your pace, but what I’m not fine with is just shutting this down because of fear. You are fearless Kamryn. The last two weeks were not enough time to show you how loved you deserve to feel,” He steps forward, and I feel my chest squeeze.

I feel tears threaten my eyes, but I know the closer he gets the easier it will be to give in to him.

“I have never seen you back away from a challenge,” He inches closer, and I feel his warmth on my skin now, his hands moving down my arms. “Don’t back away from this now, please...”

I stare up at him, his hands interlocking with mine. I feel heat and panic settling in my chest. I feel nervous, happy, and confused, and I know that feeling because it’s something I’ve never felt before. I do love him, even if it’s based on fabricated things.

“I’m scared,” My voice is fragile as it comes out.

“I know, and that’s fine. It’s fine, and I’m positive I completely overwhelmed you. I know your head is probably spinning because mine is too so take your time. You don’t have to tell me. You don’t have to talk to me at all, but you do have to come back to campus in a week for summer sessions. We can talk when you’re ready.”

“What if I’m never ready?” I ask and he shrugs his shoulders.

“Then that’s fine too but I’ll be waiting if you change your mind.”

Pressure builds in my chest and claws up my throat.

“Okay,” I’m overwhelmed right now.

I just got home. Then I found out that everything I’d been sitting on for the past day wasn’t true. Bellamy is in love with me, and I think I love him, but that feels so wrong to think. It doesn’t feel true. Like it’s impossible for any of this to be true at all.

“Okay, you’ll think about it?” He asks, and I nod.

“I’ll think about it.”

He smiles, pulling me forward. He wraps me in a hug, and my body responds, naturally hugging him back, his body tight against mine. His heavy scent fills my nose, and I breathe him in. The sweet smell of the spicy vanilla cologne he wears. Soaking in his stronghold.

“I’m sorry... I never wanted to hurt you Ryn,” His lips brush my hair as he speaks.

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