Page 96 of The List of Things

“I’m not mad.”

His eyes are locked on me.

“Why are you mad, baby? Don’t lie to me,” He tilts his head to the side, waiting for an answer.

“Have you ever brought anyone else here?” I blurt out and wish it didn’t sound as crazy as it feels coming out of my mouth.

I don’t want to intrude. I honestly have no right to but my mouth works quicker than my mind in too many situations. He has a life outside of me, and he’s going to continue that. Especially with the rules I’ve set in place.

“I have never brought another girl here, Kamryn. If that’s what you were wondering,” He lays himself down, his eyes looking up, and I do the same thing, copying his movements.

I was wondering about that but I won’t tell him. I don’t want him to know, he can be left to wonder. We lay side by side, with no contact at all, just our eyes looking up to the sky, waiting for a plane to pass by. I feel the anxiety I felt earlier creeping back up my throat. The words I had said to him yesterday, and the silence sitting between us. I press my lips shut, trying my hardest to stop myself, but I can’t.

“Bellamy, about what I said yesterday before you left. After I talked to my mom on the phone...” I start.

“You don’t have to say anything, I get it.”

I furrow my brows, “What do you mean you get it?”

“I mean that I get there’s really no chance of a friendship after this. It makes sense, at least for me it does. It would be really hard to go from... From sex to just friends.”

I’m shocked he only referred to the sex, but I nod, my chest tight. That’s what this was. Fake dating. Fake sex. Fake. It hurts to admit that to myself more than it should. It hurts to hear him say it like that too. It shouldn’t, and I want to tell myself to not feel that but I do. I can’t help feeling what’s right in front of me.

“I’m sorry.”

“I am too,” Bellamy agrees, and I don’t know why my heart is in my throat but it is. “Why were you so against doing this list? Or dating, or doing anything romantic at all?”

I’m shocked at how blunt he is. I was never keen on answering this question, only because Bellamy seems like the type to convince me of why I should give it all a chance. He wants to change my mind… But I don’t want my mind changed, and I think he’s realized that by now.

“Um... There are a lot of reasons why,” There’s no sense in hiding any of this anymore from him.

Sadly, we did grow closer. Close enough I feel like I could share anything with him.

“Care to share?”

I sigh and clasp my hands together, resting them on my stomach.

“Have you ever heard the phrase ‘Never meet your heroes’ before?” My clasped hands rise and fall as I breathe, my back flat against the ground just like Bellamy.

“I have.”

“Romance was like my hero, and I know that sounds dumb but it’s the easiest way I can explain it. I loved the romance movies, Bell. I did and I loved books, romance plots, and my parents. I love my parents, and I looked up to them so much growing up. How much they loved each other. I still have yet to meet two people as in love as my parents are.”

Images of them through the years flash through my mind.

“My parents were the same...” He speaks in a tone that shows me just how fond he is of them, and my heart aches for him as he sits next to me.

I can’t imagine losing people I love that much.

“Keep going,” He urges, despite the weight in my chest.

He has no idea it’s there, but I feel the pressure.

“I did meet my hero, romance… or I tried to, and I realized that nothing will ever compare to it. No one will be a romance movie, and no one will be a stupid book trope. I will never find what I see on the screen, or read on pages, or imagine in my head, it’s never going to work that way. My parents, what they have is unattainable. I swear I don’t know how they did it,” I feel like I sound crazy.

There’s no sensible way to explain this.

“And how did you come to that conclusion?”

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