Page 91 of The List of Things

The second I finish, I open his bathroom door slowly, looking into the bedroom. I look around carefully as I step in, and Bellamy isn’t there at all. I didn’t put any pants on because of the size of the shirt on my body. I move to his bedroom door, and open it, looking outside to see the living room. Bellamy is laying across the couch on his phone, music playing in the background. I step out of the bedroom, and his eyes catch me. He sits up right away.

“Hey. Are you… Are you okay?” He asks me, and I nod and shrug.

“I’m okay. I’m just shaken up. I’m embarrassed I guess,” I hate that I have to tell him this happened because it never should have happened.

“Do you want to tell me what happened?” My eyes roam on his body, and back to his eyes.

I contemplate it. I look at him, wondering how exactly I will get it out, scared about how he will react. What if he’s upset by what’s being said about me, and possibly him? What if it bothers him? I feel my lip shake, and I see Bellamy’s face completely change to full concern.

“Baby...” He stands up, and comes straight to me, not hesitating. “Can I touch you right now? Is that okay?”

I move my arms around his torso, not looking at him, but pressing my cheek to his chest, hugging him. He holds me too. He slides one hand up my back, and into my hair, the other hand pressed flat against my back as he hugs me.

“What did he do?” He’s quiet as he speaks to me.

“He cornered me,” I’m crying now. “I’m sorry Bellamy.”

I hate this more than I can explain. I don’t want him to be upset. Not about what happened or about his reputation. He has to know how bad this will look to others. How people might see him if they think…

“What do you mean he cornered you Ryn?”

I shake as I think about it again, “He walked up to me, and he stumbled up, and I tried to push him back, but he grabbed onto me. My back was pressed to the wall and I couldn’t move. He said he was… Someone told him about our arrangement. Not the truth of it. He said that I’m...” I can’t talk.

My voice is shaking at the thought of this ever happening again, other people knowing about this, or about Bellamy. About me.

“It’s okay...” His thumb moves back and forth on my head, his hands warm against my skin.

“Someone told him I agreed to have sex with you to make... To make your ex jealous... He... He-” I hesitate again. “He kissed me, and he might have done more if Lawson didn’t say something and I didn’t want him to. I kept trying to push him off. I told him we weren’t. That it wasn’t what he had thought it was and I tried so hard. I’m sorry.”

Sobs wrack my body, my face is so wet with tears at this point I know they’ve transferred onto him now.

“I’m not really sure why you're apologizing to me baby,” His chest moves as he speaks.

I find comfort in the way it rises and falls. His arms are strong around me.

“Because people are going to think… People are going to associate you with me. Your reputation-”

“Means absolutely nothing to me,” He finishes my sentence. “And if you’re going to apologize to me for kissing him, you have no reason to.”

That’s another thing I was already apologizing for. He took my words out of my mouth.

“If you wanted to kiss him, you would still be there kissing him, not here with me,” His understanding is overwhelming to me.

“And I’m sorry about earlier today, and-”

“I don’t want to talk about earlier today or anything else right now. I want to talk to you, and make sure you’re okay… Lawson told me you were there alone at that party. That he was keeping an eye on you to make sure you were okay and I’m glad that he did. I’m glad you’re all in one piece. You’re okay. That’s all that matters,” He pulls me back to look at my face.

His hand comes up, slowly moving my hair out of the way. He slowly wipes the tears from under my eyes, his thumbs resting on my cheekbones.

“I wanted to see you... And to feel comfortable so I came here... I... I felt so wrong, I was just scared...” My words are shaky and uneven.

My voice doesn’t belong to me right now.

“I was scared for you and if I wasn’t here, and I wasn’t with you I promise I would be driving to the frat house right now, and ending Caleb's entire basketball career as we speak. I still plan on doing that at some point for putting his fucking hands on you. Let me see…” He keeps holding my face with his left hand but brings his right down.

His fingers brush the bottom of my chin, and his thumb grazes my lip, looking at where Caleb drew blood.

“Does it look bad?”

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