Page 67 of The List of Things

She presses her lips together and slowly nods at me.

“Um… Sure...” She isn’t sure.

I know that, and I know she’s agreeing with me for my sake, not truth’s sake... But I take it, and I throw myself down, my chest at rest now. I sigh, and Sienna looks at me as I sit next to her on my couch.

“Maybe you should put some clothes on…”

“That would probably be smart,” I get up again and walk toward my bedroom. “Don’t leave.”

I go into my room. I reach for the drawers in front of my bed and pull out a t-shirt. I remove the wet bra from my body and pull the t-shirt over me. My phone starts vibrating behind me, and I look at it, and feel my heart drop. The pressure returns and my stomach feels like it’s eating itself alive because of how uneasy it is.

“SIENNA!” I scream, and she runs into my room. “Bellamy is calling me, what should I do?” I ask her.

“Answer?”

I scoff at her response.

“You say it like it’s easy! How do I act?” I ask.

“Normally? If that’s even possible for you.”

I roll my eyes at her sarcasm, and she approaches me.

“Maybe I shouldn’t answer.”

She reaches forward, sliding the phone open before I can react. I gasp and then shut up right away. The phone sits between both of us, answered now. She presses the speaker button, and I sit silently, wishing she would cease to exist. I reach to my side, and grab the stuffed golden retriever, hugging the plush to my chest.

“Hello?” Bell’s deep voice rings out on the other end.

I don’t say anything, and Sienna swats at me, pushing me to speak.

“Hi!” I manage to squeak out, genuinely sounding like a chew toy at this point.

“Are you alright?” He’s got a hint of laughter in his voice.

“Yep, fine and dandy,” I sound like I’m faking it.

He’s going to read me like a book.

“Everything just seemed different after we left the bar. I just wanted to make sure everything was okay…” He has charm, and care in his voice, and I bite my lip.

“Everything is fine. I feel fine… Are you fine?” I wonder what’s going on in his head.

I know I’ll never know, but I want to.

“More than fine. I had a really good time. I always do. I guess I’m just scared to do too much... To scare you off, and I don’t want to overstep any boundaries with you... I’m just being careful,” He continues to show the respectful side of him.

He never ceases to show me that which only adds to the burning in my chest.

“You don’t have to be...” I tell him. “You don’t have to be careful with me. Everything is fine,” I promise although everything is absolutely not fine.

I am super not fine. I have every chance to let him do as he pleases. He pushes boundaries with me, and I let him, and I could stop it, but the thought makes me shake. I don’t want to stop him one bit.

Sienna narrows her eyes at my lies. She just shakes her head, and puts her hands over her face, slowly dragging them down.

“As long as you say so… You’d tell me if something was wrong?”

Sienna nods her head at me, and I squeeze my eyes shut. He cannot know about any of this. The strings being left out of this was my one rule, and I’m the dumbass that is seemingly breaking that stupid fucking rule. I’m a puppeteer right now, desperately trying to attach every single string possible because I’m an idiot.

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