Page 110 of The List of Things

“Cross my heart,” My mom gives Bellamy a thumbs up.

I take a second before I look at him, and when I do I still feel like the breath in my lungs might get knocked out of me. I deserve an explanation. That’s all this will be, and then I can get over it.

“You skipped out on me…” His voice is so soft.

Looking at him, it looks like he’s got a million things going through his mind like he doesn’t know which one to say first. I’m nervous to see what he chooses.

“You lied to me, and you used me,” I watch his eyes shut, and his head shakes slowly.

“I didn’t use you Kamryn. Sienna told me about the picture, and I’m sorry. I’m sorry you saw that, and I’m sorry for everything. I am not with Leah, I never wanted to be. This wasn’t some ploy to get her back or make her jealous, and it never was. It was always about you, always.”

My brain is now a jumbled mess of mixed emotions. That makes no sense in any capacity unless…

“What are you talking about? I saw the picture of you two, you holding her like you had... Like you were kissing her, and-”

“No. I didn’t kiss her. I don’t want Leah. I was at the coffee shop on my own, she happened to be there, and she wanted to talk to me. I let her talk, I forgave her for acting the way she has the past few months to me. She asked to apologize to you and I said it was up to you. I hugged her, she held on, and I backed away, I told her she needed to stop acting the way she has to me. I told her she needed to leave you alone while you and I are together. That picture just makes it look far worse than what it was. Because it was nothing. She’s my past Kamryn; I didn’t use you. And I said a few words to your ex too for fucking all of this up.”

I cross my arms over my chest. Half of me wishes I could have seen the confrontation between Bellamy and Dylan, and the other half of me is yelling to stay on track right now, and not think of anything else but the problem standing right in front of me.

“You drove all this way to make sure I knew you didn’t use me?” My heart betrays me as I feel it warm my entire chest, a burst of energy spreading throughout me.

Just as Sienna said, it’s something right out of a movie scene.

“I drove all this way to tell you what I was going to tell you if you had stayed and come to the beach. I came all this way because in every stupid cheesy romance movie, there’s always a big confession, and a big scene at the end where everything is laid out on the table. It wasn’t on the list, but the list doesn’t matter anymore. I couldn’t just go the rest of the summer thinking what if. What if I did it, what if I didn’t. You might hate me, or be mad at me, or never want to speak to me again after and that’s fine, but I came all this way to tell you it was never about a list to me,” Bellamy pauses, and my heart stops.

I have no words, my mouth is dry.

“It was never about sleeping with you, and it was never about anything but getting the opportunity to be near you, and spend time with you Kamryn. That’s all this ever was. It was me being an idiot and hoping for something more with you. I knew the rules. I was still dumb enough to hope.”

I’m shocked. I don’t hate him, but I still feel a subtle hint of betrayal.

“So the tutoring?” I ask him.

His sister said he didn’t need it. She said he’s had a crush on me all semester.

“At first, I did need help. Only for a few weeks, that’s it. But I thought you were funny, and the prettiest person I had ever met. I knew that you would never give me a chance. You are so far out of my league Kamryn, there’s no way you’d even let me ask, I was positive. So I never tried, and I was going to let it go as just that. I was going to keep it in, flirt when I could, and see you for tutoring, hoping maybe I’d build up the courage to ask you to go out with me just once, and then I saw the list, and that was the day I was going to ask you out since it was our last tutoring session. But again, I saw the list, and I took a chance, and I didn’t… I shouldn’t have. It was dumb, and I lied, and I’m sorry, but there were always strings attached for me because I’ve had a crush on you since February Kamryn. I’m... I’m sorry.”

I stand speechless in front of him. Half of me is screaming to just agree, and forgive him. The other half, the sensible half is saying everything but.

“You knew that I had been lied to before. Cheated on, lied to, hurt, all of the above. You knew my trust was limited, and you let me trust you while you openly lied about your intentions Bellamy. If you can start all of this by hiding the truth, then what else would you lie to me about?” I ask, knowing part of me could be projecting, but the other part of me is trying to preserve what I have left of my heart.

“Probably little things,” He answers honestly, and now I truly am speechless.

Did he just admit that out loud?

“Little things like when I tell you I’m at the gym but I’m really at the store buying you flowers. Or if you ask me if your breath smells bad in the morning, and it does, but I’ll lie and say it doesn’t just so you’ll kiss me anyway. I’ll lie and say I won't buy you a million things for your birthday or Christmas, and then I will. I’ll lie when I tell you I don’t have to go, even when I do, just so I can spend more time with you. I’ll lie when I have to just so I can make our time together more special. I’ll never do anything behind your back, decisions are made together, and I didn’t let you decide, and I’m sorry Kamryn,” He pleads with his voice.

“Bellamy…” I stare at him, ocean blue eyes looking back at me.

He’s got his heart on his sleeve, and my heart is practically beating out of my chest. I can’t believe he said all of that. I can’t believe I’m believing all of it either. My brain tells me no, but the way my chest feels is telling me to give in.

“The list… You went into it thinking what? That I was going to fall for you?” I ask, not wanting it to sound mean, but knowing it does.

I don’t want to hurt Bellamy, but I need to understand all of this. All of him.

“No. Half of me figured you’d never speak to me again after it. I went through the dates, and I was hoping that maybe I would be let down. I didn’t want you to be perfect, and I didn’t want you to be what I wanted, I was hoping that maybe you’d be some awful person, or you did something that just made me not want you because I knew wanting you wouldn’t end well but I couldn’t find a single thing. You are everything I want. You love what I love, and you get along with my friends, and you’re funny, and so fucking smart. You treat me like I matter Kamryn, and you’re careful with me. You know me, and you’d be happy to get to know me more. You’re just. God, you’re better than I ever thought you would be. So I did everything I could to make sure it didn’t end as badly as I thought it would.”

I look at him blankly, my heart racing faster than it ever has in my life. He’s laying everything on the table, not one thing left out. I want to turn him away. I want to hate him for lying to me, for convincing me to do this list with ulterior motives. But I don’t. I’m not sure if hating him is possible.

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