Page 107 of The List of Things

“I could say the same for you Ryn,” He speaks softly, and I stay quiet after that.

I want my time to be without him, and then I want my date. I want my date. I want one last night with Bellamy before I cut it all off. That’s all I want. Bellamy drives us the rest of the way back to my apartment and he looks at me the minute he parks the car. I open my door without waiting for him to open it for me, and he doesn’t fight it.

“I’ll see you tomorrow night,” I tell him even though I don’t know if it’s the truth or not.

He starts to say something but doesn’t get it out before I get myself out of the Jeep, and head to my apartment, silence filling the air, but not my mind.

* * *

Bellamy hasn’t tried onceto text me in the hours it’s been since he dropped me off. I made myself a sandwich and didn’t eat it. I tried to take a nap, and couldn’t sleep. I tried to watch New Girl, but couldn’t focus. My mind is spinning with thoughts of Bellamy the past semester, wondering if every word was something calculated, and planned. I think back to every tutoring session trying to pull everything from the depths of my head, trying to see if there’s something I missed at the moment. He had good intentions. But it shouldn’t matter. He still lied about everything.

I send Sienna a text, an SOS. I wait for her response. When she replies, I’m relieved. She started training for fall ball, and spring season with her teammates. She’s serious, and I know the rest of the teams are too. She tells me she’s on her way, and I sigh to myself, not even knowing what I’ll be able to talk about. Not knowing how I’m supposed to feel now with everything between Bellamy and I. Sienna is walking through my door not even twenty minutes since I sent the text. My knees are pulled up to my chest, and my apartment feels empty right now. I hug myself and she looks worried.

“I feel sick to my stomach,” My words sound hollow.

“Are you pregnant, or did Bellamy do something?” She moves quickly toward me.

“I’m not pregnant,” I tell her, not even questioning why she would suspect that.

“So what did he do?”

I tell her everything that happened today, what his sister said, and how he responded. Sienna presses her lips together tight.

“The worst part of all of this is the fact that I feel like I can’t be mad. I feel like it would be… I don’t know. I just feel like it’s wrong. I feel like I’m not allowed to have feelings at all.”

“You’re more than allowed to have feelings, and you’re allowed to be mad at him for lying. But I don’t think he did it to have sex with you,” She tells me. “I think maybe he was just trying to get to know you. Maybe he just thought you were cool, and didn’t know what else to do.”

Sienna is always the best at playing devil's advocate. I swear it’s her favorite thing to do. But I’ve been through this kind of thing before. I’ve been through the lies, and the hurt, and this is exactly why I steer clear of feelings.

“Even if that was the case, it’s still not fair. It’s not fair because Bellamy and I swore on it all along that this was meant to be nothing. No strings. No ties. Nothing. So if he went into this with different intentions. If he went into this already having feelings, big or small then that’s just. I don’t know,” I say.

It’s unfair.

“It’s romantic. Just like all the movies he was trying so hard to replicate with you,” She argues.

I don’t know if I feel warmth because I’m angry, or if that just sparked something inside but they feel one in the same right now.

“It’s crazy because I feel like I know him. I feel like I’ve really known Bell for months… Even for years, but I haven’t. Bellamy confuses the hell out of me, and I just don’t know, Sienna. I’ve never been so lost for words and for a plan on what to do next.”

There’s no way I can stay on campus for summer sessions. There’s no way. I’m not hurt by his lies, I’m confused. I’m a little angry too. I feel like I was blindsided a bit.

“I know it’s really messy, and it feels unusual but maybe you should for once just do what your heart is telling you to do, and then maybe you can deal with the repercussions of that later. I think you should hear him out tomorrow. Just understand his reasoning for lying about the tutoring, and going into this whole thing with you. Maybe it’s not what you think.”

I contemplate it.

I was going on our last date tomorrow night already, it was set in my head before Sienna had even come, but I still feel sick. Every time I think of going home while feeling this way, tears threaten my eyes. I’m not the sensitive type, but that’s all I’ve felt since I got out of Bellamy’s car. My phone buzzes and I look, seeing Dylan’s name on my phone. I groan. Sienna’s eyes catch his name on my screen.

“What does he want? Why didn’t you block him?”

I slide open the text. My stomach sinks, a picture, and a message.

“I thought this was your new boyfriend?” It reads.

The picture is incredibly incriminating and it was taken today. Bellamy is in the same clothes he was wearing with me earlier. He’s at a coffee shop, and he’s smiling, but he’s with Leah. She’s smiling too, and his hand is threaded through her hair. It looks like the two of them are backing away from a hug. Maybe even a kiss. Maybe I’m looking too far into it. But that sick feeling returns in a wave as everything clicks in my mind.

“That son of a bitch.”

I don’t look away from the picture, the tears pooling in my eyes again, but staying this time. He used me for tutoring. I’m assuming Leah hated that too. He did The List for what? To make her jealous. I feel manipulated now. Like I was used. I had thought about the possibility of this. Of Bellamy doing this to get her back, to make her jealous. He never told me why he invited her to my New Year’s party. He never explained that to me, and now I know it was to make her jealous.

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