Page 108 of The List of Things

To see him defend me, and stand up for me. He wanted her to see that he cared about someone else, and it worked. I already felt betrayal sitting low in my chest at the confession from his sister, but seeing this. Having my original fear set true in my brain. It’s not a good feeling. Anger and hurt in my chest, and so many questions in my mind.

“He lied because he wanted his ex back...” I don’t want to speak the words out, but I need to hear them.

They settle between Sienna and me. I think of everything… Everything I trusted Bellamy with. I think of going to him after the frat party. Getting a fucking tattoo. Everything was all for nothing. And even before that, it was all based on a lie. I have no idea what’s true, and what’s not.

“I’m sorry Kam...” Her hand comes to my leg to show me she’s here for me.

I laugh, tears slipping out of my eyes.

“I just don’t get why he went as far as to sleep with me. He knew she was jealous that night before he slept with me, so why do that? Why let me tell him about my life, and why beg to complete the list? Did he feel guilty? Because he realized I’m a fucking person, not some object he can just use? God I feel like a fucking idiot,” I wipe tears from under my eyes, and probably makeup too.

I’ve used people for sex, but they know they’re being used before it happens. I would never do this. I would never go to such lengths to just get sex. If it wasn’t for sex, if it was to make Leah jealous he could have told me from the start. I would have gone along with it. I wouldn’t have caught feelings for him.

“You’re not an idiot at all, maybe he was really good at faking a relationship. Or maybe he wasn’t faking it at all, and this is a picture from your shitty ex who you don’t trust at all…” She tells me and anger boils deeper in my chest.

“I don’t trust Dylan, but I don’t really trust Bellamy right now either. He’s been lying this entire time Si. About more things than one from the looks of this picture. Even if it’s not what it looks like, he never even told me he was going to see Leah, going to talk to her…” I writhe in my anger and Sienna sighs.

“Lawson told me you got mad at him the other day for wanting you to tell him about summer sessions. He said you snapped at Bellamy and told him you’re not dating and you don’t have to tell him anything. Why should he tell you where he’s going when he’s not with you if that’s how you were treating him?” She asks, calling me out completely.

I stare at my friend blankly, hating that she’s right. It doesn’t ease my anger.

“I have every right to be mad at him,” I argue and she nods.

“I agree. You should be mad at him for lying about the list. But not for a picture sent by Dylan. Kam, sometimes you jump to conclusions, and normally I jump with you because we do everything together, but this… I don’t think you should. As for the tutoring thing, leave. Don’t finish the list, stop caring, and just leave and go home. If he’s willing to lie about something like that and it makes you not trust him, then don’t give him any more. I support you, you know that,” She ensures, and I know she does support me, but she’s also my voice of reason.

If she thinks I have reason to be mad, then I must actually have a reason.

“I do care about him. And I care about the picture too, more than I should, and I feel stupid because despite the rules I do have feelings for Bellamy, and I knew this was a bad idea, and I was dumb enough to think it might have been real. Just a little bit, he made it feel real. The sex, the talks, the dates. Everything felt real, he felt real, and I shouldn’t be mad because I made the rule, and he followed it and I didn’t. I thought he had feelings though. I really did. So I will leave, and I won't let this stupid list burden him anymore. I’ll just take the rest of summer, and I’ll move on.”

My mom is going to be surprised. She’s also going to hear an earful about him too.

“What about summer sessions?” She asks and my heart sinks all over again.

“I can’t... Not when she’ll be on the field practicing too. They’ll just be rubbing it in my face. I just need to take the summer. I’ll get over him, and then I can… I can be on the field, and I’ll pretend, just like he has been. I can pretend too. Besides, I don’t need summer sessions to make it to the NFL. I have to get my master’s first anyway, I don’t need them,” I try my best to give a convincing smile.

“Can I come visit you? At least once…” That’s the best part of Sienna, she’s not the kind of person that will try to get me to do something I don't want to do.

She trusts my instincts and I’m thankful for that.

“I don’t think I’d be able to last all summer without seeing you,” I laugh through the tears and accept the hug she throws around my shoulders.

CHAPTERTWENTY-SIX

ANYTHING BY DODIE

Sienna helpedme finish packing up what I would need for the next few months that I’ll be gone. I felt wrong leaving which is a feeling I’ve never had when leaving campus to go home to my parents. I think it’s because I’ve never in my life left feeling unresolved. That’s what I feel right now. I feel like I was lied to. I don’t know if I should be mad at Bellamy for the picture. I never gave him a chance to explain, but whatever that was mixed with his lie… It’s enough to lose my trust. Especially after I told him everything I did about barely having trust in the first place.

My mom picked me up from the bus station, and it’s been silent since she picked me up. I feel like I haven’t opened my mouth to talk in ages, and I’m glad because I don’t feel like talking at all right now.

My mom seems like she can’t sit still. More than normal as she drives us back to my childhood home. She looks pretty right now. Her dark hair pulling back into a tight bun, her glasses resting on the bridge of her nose. She’s got on her normal red lipstick, and pretty makeup. I swear she looks like she hasn’t aged in years.

I don’t know what’s gotten into her, but I know she knows there’s something wrong with me. Her hands have been tapping the wheel, and she keeps looking at her phone that’s propped up on her dashboard. She keeps looking at me too, like she’s waiting for something. She knows me better than anyone else, and she can read me as easily as a children's book. She knew there was something wrong the minute I wanted to come home early, she just hasn’t asked yet, and I know she will.

“Why are you so fidgety?” I finally speak.

My voice sounds like a phantom, like it isn’t me talking at all.

“I’m not fidgety... Why are you so quiet?” She asks and I shrug. “Does it have anything to do with the fact that you decided to come home a few days early?”

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