Page 86 of Heavy Shot

"I wasn’t really married," she said with a sad smile."We didn’t live together or tell anyone. It wasn’t real. So, no babies and no wedding.Would I at least get a puppy?"

August shuddered, "You want a dog?A dog?"

"Sure, they're like cats.Just a little different.Still not a baby, but you can cuddle puppies."

"You can cuddle cats, too. Furrnando adores you."

Jill cocked an eyebrow at him. "I thought you said you're in love with me and want me to be happy?"

"I am and I do."

"If only I could get you to say that last bit in front of a couple hundred of our closest friends and a priest," she sighed. "Tell me, if all of the above is true, then when do I get something I really want?"

August looked flummoxed, paling slightly, "I thought you did have what you want.We have a safe, secure relationship and I'll take care of you forever."

"I have a safe, secure relationship with Roland, too," Jill said lightly."And he'll take care of me for as long as I want.He's just not sleeping with me.All I'm saying," she smiled when his cheeks started to pink, "is that there are some things that are really very important to me.I have wanted to be a wife and mother since I can remember.I want that more than anything else.I'm worried that you don't want to be a husband or father, because that means I can never have my dream.And Furrnando is not a compromise when it comes to children.He has fleas."

August sighed. "My cat does not have fleas. You’re more likely to have fleas than he is. Whatif I promise to think about it? It's never really come up before, you know? Who knows how I'll feel a few years down the road? Who knows how you will?"

“I know how I am going to feel a few years down the road,” Jill said. She dropped her hands into her lap. “I’m going to want a family. In a few years, I’m going to be desperate to start a family.”

“We are a family. You, me, and Furrn–”

“If you say that cat’s name, I will not forgive you.”

He let out another big breath. “I don’t want children. Period. I like my life, our life, without the shit stains and fingerprints on everything. I grew up with more siblings than anyone should ever have to have, and I did my time helping to parent them. I moved halfway across the world to get away from my family. I like peace. I like solitude. I like being able to come and go as I please, pick up and go to work on another continent without having to arrange for care. I don’t want children. Never.”

Jill watched his tight face and let that sink in. For a moment, she stretched her imagination into the future, a future with August, without children, without a marriage license. Their home would be impeccable. Her wardrobe would be impeccable. They would be the dinner party capital of Hollywood, a power couple. She was imagining waking up, walking downstairs to an empty house, save for the cat–which in her imagination was hairless for some reason–who hated her. He hissed as she poured her breakfast cereal.

She would drive herself to her charity work because having retired from acting with nothing else to do, she imagined herself throwing everything she was into charity. She imagined the feeling of satisfaction that came from doing a greater good, and then imagined that she might tell herself that she was able to help hundreds of children instead of just the few she might have given birth to or adopted.

Pushing further into the future, she saw them older and traveling. They could go anywhere they liked. She liked going to events like Jack’s wedding and his children’s christenings. Rhiannon had grandchildren she got to play with, and as honorary auntie, there were parties and graduations. August was there, standing off to the side, drinking wine.

Maybe August died first? She was alone in that big, quiet house, with nothing but that goddamned hairless cat and the help for company. She had to hope for invitations to holiday dinners or spend them alone at the country club with the other childless, elderly widows. Now she was drinking wine. Too much of it. She tripped over the cat and fell down the stairs, then bled to death while the cat looked on, waiting for her to pass so he could eat her face.

Jill shook herself. “Wow,” she said aloud, blinking. “Never.”

“Never,” he repeated, displeasure in his voice and his eyebrows.

She started to say, “Okay.” She started to apologize for bringing it up again. She started to tell him she could learn to be all right with that. Instead, she swallowed hard. “Gus– I can’t do never.”

“It’s not really up for negotiation. I’ve had a vasectomy.”

She shook her head, one hand coming up to her chest. “I’ve been pregnant. I’ve been so close. I wanted those babies so badly. I had names, and a nursery, and was interviewing nannies. I had all these hopes.”

“And they were dashed. I’m so sorry.”

“No– They weren’t dashed. They were delayed. The hope just got delayed. I fully intended, I always intended to try again. To try until my doctor said we were out of options, and then I planned to adopt. I want children, Gus.”

His voice was clipped as he placed his knife and fork carefully down on either side of his plate. “I don’t. So? Do you want a future with me that is grounded in reality and our love? Or do you want to chase a hope that might not ever happen?”

“Oh my god,” Jill breathed, hands at her heart, rising from her seat.

He rose with her. “I’m right here in front of you, Jill! I always have been! I’m right here in front of you, and I’m solid, and I’m real, and I want a life with you.”

“I don’t want that life,” she heard herself saying. “I don’t want solitude! I’ve had solitude! I don’t want pristine furniture or cats! I want loud and messy! I don’t want to be perfect and coiffed, and refined and elegant unless I’m dressed up for a party. I want milk stains and burp rags, and a messy bun, and tiny people–my tiny people–dragging on me until I’m touched out and can’t stand it anymore! And I want someone who is so in love with me that he wants twelve weddings just so he can show everyone that he’s mine!”

They stood there staring at each other for several long minutes until August finally cleared his throat. “Well. Then you don’t want me, and that’s all there is.”

---