Page 10 of Pretty Black

How had I gone so long without this? How had I resisted it? His love made me feel whole. Something I’d never felt in my entire life until I met him. I almost believed I could be okay because of him, but I couldn’t do that to Caspian either. It wasn’t fair to pit my survival against his love.

“I’m sorry,” I repeated between our lips, making him take it off my tongue.

“At least you’re not pulling back when you say it like this.”

I rubbed our noses. “I’m not trying to hurt you. I’m trying to not hurt me and to protect you.”

“I can protect myself, and I want to protect you.”

“You can’t. Not against myself.”

“I’m going to figure out how.” He stroked my thumb over my cheek, deepening the kiss.

I pulled at him until he rolled on top of me. I relaxed under his weight. One of the only safe places in my life. I closed my eyes, wrapping my arms and legs around him to keep him there. He smiled, and I loved him. More than I did yesterday, which shouldn’t be possible. How was it so easy to make him this happy?

“Keep looking at me like that, please,” I asked.

“I’ve looked at you like this since the day we met.”

I tried to shake my head, but his thumb restricted the movement. “Maybe you did. I’m not doubting you, but I see it now.”

His smile grew impossibly wider. “I never thought we’d be back here.”

“Me either.” I hadn’t expected to live this long, and I hadn’t cared the last two years if I did, but I couldn’t tell him that. I couldn’t break him like that. I didn’t know how to repent for all the ways I’d broken him already. As much as he could forgive me, I didn’t know how to make up for it. Nothing felt like enough.

“What’s in your head?” Caspian asked, drawing me out of my thoughts.

“Do you want the truth?” It was the bravest I’d ever been with my inner thoughts, and maybe that’s how I’d repent. Giving him more of me. Letting him know me. Really know me, so he could hold on longer and harder.

“Please.” He brushed my hair away from my face and pulled back enough to look into my eyes.

“You don’t get to argue or judge.”

“Okay…” A tiny frown formed on his face.

I almost didn’t tell him, knowing how distressed last night probably made him. “I was thinking about how I’ll never be able to make up for all the damage I’ve already done to you.”

“Neither will I, but I’m hoping we can forgive each other and keep reminding each other that the other is worth it.” His words startled me.

“I forgive you,” I said in a rush. “I’m not just saying it. I know I couldn’t before. I do, though.”

He smiled, but it hurt, pain straining his forehead. “Thank you. That’s a good place to start.”

“Start?” I asked, tracing my fingers over his features, wishing I could ease this.

“Do you think you’ll be able to trust me again?” His pure blue eyes carried the weight of his question as they searched mine.

“I do trust you, and before you deny it, that’s why I’m telling you what I’m thinking about it. I’m not holding it back. I never let you see all of me before. I didn’t let anyone in that close, so I’m trying to give you more, all of me.” All that I could give.

“What changed?”

“Last night.” I fought tears. “My brother. You were right when you asked if I would’ve wanted less of him to make it less painful, and I wouldn’t. I’d take more pain if it meant even one more conversation with him. So while I can’t promise you forever, I promise more.”

“Thank you. I’m greedy. I want all of it. I want to know you, Iris. The real you.”

“What if you don’t like me?” I asked, not feeling so great about the real me.

“I find the idea of that impossible. You captivate with every word. It’s why there are millions of people in love with you.” There was a sincerity in his face I wanted to cling to.

---