Page 65 of Pretty Black

“I want to be open about who I’m dating. I don’t want to have to hide it anymore. I know that created a lot of tension between us, more so because our manager wouldn’t even let us tell the band, but having to watch everything we do sucks. I want to be able to kiss him in public if I want. I want to be able to kiss him on stage.” I closed my eyes, imagining it.

“Do you think Caspian would be open to the idea?”

“Yes. He was before all of this. I don’t think he’d have changed his mind.” I was pretty sure, at least.

“That sounds like a good start to living the happiness you want. Anything else you want to share?”

“I want to go places with him. Like museums and art shows. We did all those fancy celebrity things with the band, but I’ve never gotten to go to most of the normal art museums. I don’t know how it would even work. Maybe with bodyguards and extra security, but I want to. Maybe it’s stupid.” I drew an x through the word.

“I don’t think it’s stupid. Celebrities go to theme parks. Why wouldn’t you be able to do a museum?” she asked.

“Our manager made the logistics of everything seem impossible. I need to get him out of my brain.”

“You do, and you will. It’s a new space, navigating all of this without him on your back.” She checked her notes. “How are you feeling on the new meds?”

“It’s been a long time since I’ve taken meds, if I’m honest.”

Shock creased her forehead. “So, the list of medication you were on when you got here?”

“I take some of it. The sleeping pills off and on, the Xanax, others when I really need them.” As I spoke, her mouth twisted like I’d displeased her, and it made me uncomfortable. “The ones they kept giving me made me feel like a zombie, and when I complained, they just added more pills. I’d rather be miserable than feel nothing. I can’t write if I can’t feel.”

“I understand. They should have changed them when you expressed concern. But you’ve been taking these?”

I nodded. “I have.”

“No zombie feeling?”

“Not yet. It doesn’t come out fast.” I wouldn’t promise her I’d keep taking them.

“If it does, call me. I will switch them. Your blood work gave us a couple of options.”

“Okay.” I would try that. “Are you going to keep seeing me after this?”

“I can’t see my other doctors anymore. They all do Alexander’s bidding.” I should have known, but their statements at the hearing burned. “If you want to keep seeing me, though…”

“I would like to. See if we can get your brain chemistry on track.” Dr. Kahn stood and offered her hand. “I have you all set to be released and will submit all the paperwork to the judge so this shouldn’t happen again. I will make sure to note on there that, as your doctor, all future questions about your mental health should go through me. And I’ll be taking over prescribing your medications—”

I cringed.

“What?” she asked.

“Does that mean I have to stop the Xanax?”

“Eventually, yes. You need to Iris. But I wouldn’t expect that immediately like we talked about. Deal?” She offered her hand again.

I took it, and we shook. “Okay.”

“Good.”

“But for my own personal knowledge, how many of these can I take and be fine? Just asking for me. Not trying to slip into a coma, but you know, not having to have an elephant on my chest while dealing with a guy threatening to out my brother’s suicide note would be preferable.” I slipped my hands into my pockets and toed the ground.

“How many were you taking?”

“On a good day or a bad day?”

“Both…”

“One to ten.” I didn’t look up, knowing the judgement that was coming.

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