Page 64 of Pretty Black

“And the sleeping pills don’t do anything?” she asked.

I shook my head. “No.”

“What does help?”

“I’ve done a lot over the years to block it out. Sex used to help, so I had a lot of that. Drugs help sometimes. I’d get high and go to orgies, so I didn’t have to be alone. Pain helps.” I closed my eyes because that one was hard to admit. The other two just made me sound like a cliché of a rock star. “And sleeping with someone else helps. Caspian mostly.” I hugged my knees tighter to my chest.

“And while you were broken up…River, I think you said.”

I nodded again.

“So you have none of those things here, which makes you not sleep, and the claustrophobia is because you don’t like to be locked up?”

“Yes.” I didn’t meet her eyes.

“I’m so sorry you had to go through that and be put in a position like this again, especially by someone who should be a caretaker.”

I shrugged, fighting tears. “I’m used to it.”

“You shouldn’t have to be, Iris. You deserve people who take care of you.”

“I have them. I have River and Caspian.” And I felt confident in that. I felt confident in both of them, which warmed my chest.

“You deserve them and more.” She paused. “Did you figure out what happiness looks like, Iris?”

I shook my head. “I don’t know. I don’t know what I am outside of the band, or even who I am. I’ve focused on music for so long that I don’t know what I am without it. I keep thinking I want to run away and start my life over someplace no one knows me, but what would I do? I don’t even know what I like. I don’t even know what I’d do for fun in free time, given the choice.”

“That would make it really hard to quit, wouldn’t it?”

“Impossible, even if I wasn’t famous. I don’t think there is anywhere I could go where no one knows me.”

“A lot of people who are struggling with depression and anxiety want to run away. It’s a pretty normal feeling to want to change your name and start over. It is probably also hard for you to cope with the idea that while that might be possible for nearly anyone else on the planet, it’s not for you. That must add to your feeling helpless.”

“It sucks. There is no taking any of it back so I’m stuck here in this massive lawsuit and subject to Alexander’s torture for what might be years, and I can’t escape any of it. Even if I quit, I have nothing. I can’t go anywhere. I can barely go out without being mobbed, and if I stay, I have to deal with Alexander holding me hostage or a lawsuit and my music held hostage.” I pushed both hands into my hair, resisting the urge to scream.

“It’s hard to want to live when you feel like you’re backed into a corner.”

“More like locked in a fucking closet.”

TWENTY

PRESENT DAY

Iris Black

“How is the contemplating happiness going?” Dr. Kahn asked.

I lifted a shoulder. “I have a few things I might like.”

She smiled, and it was genuine. “Do you want to talk about them, or are you keeping them to yourself?”

“Can I do that?”

“You can do whatever you want, Iris. I’m only here to help, not to demand things from you.”

I opened the notebook I’d nearly filled. “I started a list of things to try.”

“Excellent idea. What’s top of the list?”

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