Page 45 of Pretty Black

Held so dear,

Offered for your consumption.

Laid bare with love.

Sealed with vulnerability.

Exposed and rejected.

Returned without a note.

Cast aside.

And I could have died.

FIFTEEN

PRESENT DAY

Iris Black

The next day, Dr. Kahn found me wandering the little path on the side of the building, scribbling in the notebook they’d given me. She asked if I was ready for my evaluation, and I found myself back in her office, not ready to plead my case but not having any other choice.

“Can you tell me how you ended up here?”

“My manager.”

“What made him concerned?”

“I’m sure you know.” I kept my answers curt. She’d been nice, but I didn’t want to risk that it had been an act.

“I know what I was told, but I don’t want someone else’s perspective. I want yours.”

“What good will that do? The video is damning enough. There is nothing I can say to convince anyone of anything.” I let my frustration and anger edge into my voice.

“I think I’m hearing frustration, and I’m wondering if that has to do with not being believed in the past. Is that true?”

I nodded.

“I’m sorry that’s happened to you. I believe you. I want to hear what happened to lead to what transpired in the video.” Her tone remained level and soft. “What put you on the ledge, Iris?”

“I don’t want to fucking die.” Not today, at least. “But I know that’s going to be impossible for anyone to believe right now.”

“Can you try to explain it to me?” she asked.

I snapped. “I don’t want to die. I want to be free from being blackmailed over my brother’s suicide. I want to be free from being a slave to my manager. I want to be a human who chooses what he wants. I don’t want to die. I want to be out of here making up for lost time with my boyfriend I just got back together with.” It poured out of me, and it was true. Despite what happened, and maybe for the first time in my life, it was true. I wanted to be alive. I wanted to be with Caspian. I needed his arms around me. Tears spilled down my face. I hated that I’d just admitted all of that to her.

“He’s doing what?” Shock pulled her mouth open.

“The judge told you we’re in the middle of a lawsuit, right?”

“Yes.”

“Well, our manager is a piece of shit. The last time I was put on a psych hold he did it to me for control, and this is all it is again. He will do anything to remain in control, including leaking the contents of my phone he somehow got his hands on.” I didn’t know how much of this I should talk about because of the lawsuit, but I couldn’t claw it back from her ears now.

“What is on the phone you are worried about?” she asked carefully.

I never spoke about it. Not in three years. Even Cas didn’t know the messy details of how badly I’d failed him. It wasn’t a night I wanted to relive, even if I was stuck in that night over and over when I tried to dream.

---