Page 44 of Pretty Black

“I don’t know either, Iris.” He came closer.

I glanced over my shoulder. “I want desperately to quit, but even if I do, what would I do? I have nothing but this. But you and…”

“And Cas?”

“If he forgives me.” I constantly waffled between wanting him to forgive me and being unable to forgive him. I didn’t know how to fix us, and the longer we went without speaking, the worse the divide became.

“What happened?”

“I can’t tell you. I wish I could, but I really can’t.” I didn’t know how to begin to unravel all the lies I’d told my best friend over the last two years. He didn’t even know Caspian and I were dating because Alexander had demanded we not tell a soul. He didn’t know about the mental health stuff or the OD. I’d kept him out, and he deserved so much better. I couldn’t admit any of that because I couldn’t lose him. Not now. Not when I had no one. I couldn’t keep sleeping alone. I couldn’t be left with my thoughts. I knew where I’d end up if I was, and it was chasing the bliss of heroin.

“You can tell me anything,” he said that, but I knew I couldn’t. There weren’t many people who’d be happy about being lied to for years.

“It’s not my secret.” I pulled my jacket tighter around me against the icy wind off the lake. “It doesn’t matter. We’re done. Tell Alexander I’ll go to Japan. I’m sorry he made you come here. Can you go back?”

“Not a good idea. Why don’t you and I fly out early, take a few days off? We can be tourists. Get you out of your head.” Did he really mean it?

“You’re serious?” I asked, knowing what he was giving up to take care of me and that I’d never be able to repay him for this kindness.

“Of course I am.”

“Please.”

FOURTEEN

PRESENT DAY

Caspian Locke

“What do you mean, I’m not on the approved list?” I was ten seconds from losing my shit. I stood at the visitor desk of the mental hospital trying not to act like a goddamn celebrity but I would pull the fucking ‘do you know who I am card,’ if I had to.

“I’m sorry, sir, but we are only allowed to let those on the approved list in.”

“So these two are on the list?” I asked, gesturing at Lowe and River. “But not us two?”

“That’s correct.”

My heart clenched in my chest. Was he refusing to see me? “Who makes the list?”

“It would be Mr. Black’s next of kin or medical proxy.”

I pressed my eyes closed, barely containing my rage. “Thank you.” I had to walk out of there or I was going to lose my shit.

Lowe jogged after me, grabbing my shoulder halfway back to the SUV. “We’ll call Mr. St. Clair. He’ll get it sorted.”

“No, he won’t, not until he gets the medical proxy fixed. Alexander is keeping Alister and me out to punish us. He can’t keep everyone out. That would be a red flag to the judge, but he can punish us by playing games.” I turned, hands balled into fists, and I was going to hit something real fast if I didn’t calm the fuck down.

“He’s such an asshole. Want me to stay out here and talk to Mr. St. Clair while you calm down?”

“No,” I snapped. “He only gets two hours of time. You and River need to go be there for him.”

“Are you sure?”

“Go please.”

Again, I failed him.

All the dark parts of me

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