Page 87 of Pretty Black

PRESENT DAY

Iris Black

We suffered through two days of silent torture, waiting for something to come. It was as bad as the leaks. None of us had any peace. I went to see Dr. Kahn twice a week and was popping bars like candy, but none of it helped. My anxiety wouldn’t stop, and I couldn’t sleep.

I wanted to go to the roof, but I forced myself to lie awake next to Caspian, knowing I couldn’t let him find me up there again, even if this time was innocent.

“You’re not sleeping again.”

“No,” I said. “But you should.”

“Want me to go to the roof with you?”

“No. I’ve got to find another place to talk to my brother.” I sighed.

He reached for my hand, lacing our fingers. “What do you want to talk to him about?”

“I want to tell him what I’m going through. That I miss him every day. And when I want to talk to him like this, when my anxiety is high, I go back to that night.”

“You never told me what happened.”

“I’ve never told anyone.” I scooted closer to him.

“Why not?”

“I don’t know. I used to think you’d push for it one day, and when I realized you weren’t going to, I liked that.”

“I’d never force you to tell me. I don’t want to make you talk about it if you don’t want to.”

“I should. I don’t want you to hear about it from a website.” I pressed my eyes closed, willing myself not to go back there.

“I’d never read it—and I don’t mean like everyone pretended not to look at your dick pic. I promise. I wouldn’t ever look.”

“You’re too good for me.”

Three Years Ago

“I love you. I want you to be able to play this on the days when you miss me. I know it will be hard for you. I know it’s already hard for you, being away all the time, but I know you did the best you could. Everything you could. Seeing your success proved I did the right thing by making you promise to not kill yourself.”

Marc swallowed audibly.

“The world needs you. And one of us had to make it out alive. I don’t have it in me to make it another year. I can’t make it another day. Another hour. Another minute.” He held off a sob. “I know what you’ll say. It will get so much better. You can leave. We’ll figure it out, and I want to believe you, but I can’t see it, and I didn’t know how to tell you. I’ve never been able to find the words. I can’t escape him. He’s in my head. He’s part of me, and the better you do, the angrier he gets. No, I never told you. I didn’t want to dampen your success. But I know he’ll never let me go. You’re not his son.”

Marc took a shuddering breath. “There is only one place I can escape him, and it’s time to go, before he gets worse. Before he kills Mom. Before he… I don’t want to tell you, but I know you’ll see it. I need to stop rambling. I drank the rest of his whiskey; that will piss him off.”

Marc laughed.

Panic became my entire being.

“Please don’t listen to this over and over. Don’t blame yourself. You were the best part of my life, and I’m so thankful you were my brother and you made it out alive. Please be happy. Let someone love you and don’t ever look back. You have too much to give to the world. One day when you write a book, and I know you will, tell them I forced you to live and that you’re thankful I did. I’ll be waiting.

“I love you, Iris. I love you so fucking much, and I held out as long as I could.”

The line went dead.

I took my eyes off the road to find the time of the voicemail.

Seven minutes ago.

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