Page 81 of Pretty Black

“You’re wrong,” Lowe said, blowing out his cheeks before taking another drink. “You’ve saved him in so many ways. I see it daily. You didn’t know him then, but he was miserable in high school. He hated the prospect of going to some Ivy League and working a nine to five for the rest of his life. He hated everything. And then he started going to shows at his grandpa’s place, and he changed. We played together, and it was like he was born with an instrument in his hands. Something I’d done since I was three years old, he was good at instantly. He found something he loved, and when he met you, it was kismet.

“I’ve never seen him so bright as when he’s looking at you. I’ve never seen him as happy as when you’re looking back. And when you give him lyrics, I don’t care if it’s the meanest shit about him, like that fucking break up shit you pulled two years ago.” Lowe laughed. “He still acts like you’ve given him gold.”

Tears brimmed at the corners of my eyes, blurring my vision. “He’s the best thing that’s ever happened to me.”

“And you him.” Lowe turned to point at Caspian. “Don’t you fucking cry too. Goddamn, we are a mess.” He pressed the heels of his hands into his eyes. “Maybe I should cry. Then when I gut that motherfucker like a pig, I can claim insanity.”

“It’s really hard to prove insanity. You’d be better off with temporary loss of sanity due to stress,” Caspian said off handedly.

“The guy with the lawyer for a father.” He shook his head. “You on board with me killing him now?”

“I’m warming to the idea.” Caspian came over and poured himself a drink. “If we could get away with it, I would.”

The rest of the guys showed up, and we had a real honest discussion about what Alexander might have on each of us. It wasn’t a good list, and the mood of the room was emotional and painful, all of us having to admit to the worst and stupidest shit we’d done while Lowe kept a handwritten list to brief the lawyer. After they spoke in person, he’d burn it. We weren’t trusting anything to do with tech.

“Do you want me to put down what Alexander has of yours?” Lowe asked after everyone else had finished.

I shook my head and lifted my shoulders. “It’s a lot of stuff. He knows most of it. Photos and videos of Caspian and me. Love notes. Songs I’ve written and never showed anyone. Voice notes to myself. A file called ‘letters’ I’ll never send, which has a lot of things about Caspian in them. The way I wrote them wouldn’t look so great for me either, since a lot of them were written in betrayal and rage. Sex stuff. A video of Caspian writing a melody while I fucked him.” Everyone in the room stared, and I held up my middle finger. “After all of you have admitted to there being similar videos of you, don’t you judge me!”

“I’m more stuck on Caspian bottoming,” Lowe said, blinking.

“You’ve seen his dick.” Cas look at each of them in turn. “I can’t imagine anyone wouldn’t want it inside them.”

I bit back a laugh. Was he testing my theory that everyone had seen my dick?!

“Sure, it’s nice, but I still don’t know if I’d be into it…” Lowe trailed off realization on his face.

Caspian pointed at him.“You’ve looked at the photo!”

“I mean…I have no excuse. I wanted to see what he was packing. Compare, you know?”

“Told you,” I said.

Caspian just shook his head. “So everyone’s just seen my boyfriend’s dick?”

The room stayed silent.

“Guess it doesn’t matter if more of our porn is released, then,” I said to Caspian with a laugh because it was all I had left.

He sighed. “You were right, okay?”

I leaned over to kiss him before continuing the list. “There is a lot of stuff with my brother. I don’t know how the media or public would take any of it. I’ve written a lot of letters to him too. But I think the thing I’m most worried about is his last voicemail. It’s painful, and I don’t want to be hit with it from every direction.”

Caspian and I sat by the fire while the rest of the guys went to dinner. People came in and out, but we stayed wrapped up in one another.

“What are you thinking about?” he asked.

“How selfish it is for me to want to live,” I admitted before I could filter myself.

“What? What do you mean, selfish?”

“Wouldn’t it be better for everyone else if I was dead?” I said, trying not to retreat into myself because of his reaction.

“How could you even say that?” Caspian said, horrified.

“I’m not trying to upset you. I’m trying to be more open with you so you know what my intrusive thoughts are like.”

“I don’t understand how you can get there.” He softened his tone, stroking my hair. “It’s not selfish.”

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