Page 72 of Pretty Black

“I think that was the best night of my life.”

“Yeah?”

“Yes.” I hooked a leg over his hips.

“Better than going triple platinum or being nominated for awards?”

“Better than having the number one album in the world.”

He tightened his arms around me. “I love that. You make me very happy.”

“Is that what happiness looks like for you?” I asked, remembering the question I’d been going over for days.

“What do you mean?”

“If life were perfect, and we won against Alexander, what would that look like for you? How do you see our future? Please be honest. I’ll explain after you tell me.”

He sat with the question for a moment. “I want a work/life balance. I want to keep doing what I love with my best friends and boyfriend; I want to tour the world but actually get to see it this time. I want to explore places together. I want to kiss you in public. I want to build a life and buy a house. I want a studio, so we can write any time we want. I want to keep doing this. I want to make you come in every dressing room and hotel and a lot of places we shouldn’t be fucking.”

“Wow, you’ve really thought about this.” I traced my fingertips over his skin.

“It’s easy with you. Why did you ask?”

I explained what Dr. Kahn had talked about and how I didn’t know what the answer for me was.

“What did you come up with?”

“Being publicly out was top of my list.”

A smile stretched across his face. “What else?”

“I want to go places. Like not just travel—art museums and the zoo. All the stuff I’ve never done.”

“You’ve never been to a zoo?”

“Or a museum.”

“Not even on school trips?” he asked, frowning.

“My mom couldn’t afford them, and it’s not like she and my stepdad would have taken me anyway. By the time I was old enough to earn my own money, I spent it all on shows and then my guitar. And I’ve been a little busy for the last few years.” What a strange life I’d led.

“I want to do those things with you.”

“I don’t know if they’re even possible. How am I going to walk through The Field Museum? Or around Navy Pier?” Maybe it was stupid to dream.

“We’ll figure it out.” He paused. “Was there anything else on your list?”

“No.”

“Why not?” he asked.

“I’m having a hard time seeing how the future will go. I want to keep writing music, but I don’t know how long we’ll be tied up with Alexander and if we will tour again or if we are even going to get free. I am dreading every second he has the contents of my phone, so I’m struggling with thinking of anything more. Fuck, it might already be out. He could have seen the pictures of us leaving the hospital and leaked something in retaliation.” I pressed my face into his chest. “He may Britney me next.”

“He can’t do that. Mr. St. Clair got your proxy switched to him and me.”

I breathed a little easier. “Good. But I still have this desire to run away, and Dr. Kahn said that was normal, but it doesn’t feel normal. I want to go someplace no one knows my name.”

“Do you think that would make you happy?”

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