Page 43 of Pretty Black

I reached into my pocket for my metal cigarette case and fished out a joint. I wanted more of the heroin, but I knew I’d better pace myself with what Jeff had left.

“Iris.”

I met River’s eyes as I lit the joint. There was something in his stare. Fear and sorrow. I hated that Alexander had dragged him away from this new guy. He deserved some happiness. One of us did.

“What happened?”

“I told him I was done.” I shrugged, not sure if he’d be mad at me.

“What?” Confusion washed over him.

“I don’t want to do this anymore, River.” I barely managed, grief choking off my voice. I didn’t want to do this. Not here.

“What happened?” he asked so kindly. I didn’t deserve it after what I’d put him through and possibly ruining his week away.

“What hasn’t happened?” I muttered around the joint.

“It’s been worse these past few weeks.” He frowned and didn’t say ‘since rehab,’ but I knew he was thinking it. “You are the center of all of this. You brought us all together. There wouldn’t be a Pretty Broken without you, Iris. Are you so miserable that it’s not worth it anymore?”

“Are any of the demons we suffer and the prices we pay worth the gilded cage?” I couldn’t be honest with him or anyone else. Not without admitting how bad it was. How bad the psych hold had been. So I buried it. I kept my secrets to myself, knowing I was truly alone in this life with Marc gone.

“Then be done,” River said easily. Too easily.

I stared at him, left speechless. Was he serious?

“Are you fucking kidding me?” Alexander screamed from behind us. “You guys are due in Japan next week, and you’re telling him to fucking quit?”

“You mean it, don’t you?” I wouldn’t let myself hope any of them would support my decision to give up the world just because I couldn’t handle it. How could I ask them to do that? It was too fucking selfish of me. They didn’t deserve to have their dreams ruined because I couldn’t keep my shit together.

“Of course I do. This is killing you. I don’t think it’s fair for any of us to ask you to stay.”

I dropped my head back, draping an arm over my eyes so he wouldn’t see the emotion there. I couldn’t do this to River. I couldn’t let him see how I was struggling. The rest of the guys were so happy. “And yet you’re the only one who’s told me to leave.”

“You are more important than any of this.” The resolve came through in River’s voice. He really did love me enough to give all of this up for me.

Tears welled up in my eyes. Maybe I had one safe place left.

“You cannot tell him to leave. We have fucking contracts,” Alexander yelled from some place, and I heard Alister shushing him.

“Want to go out on the balcony?” River offered his hand, and I pulled myself together enough to take it.

“Naw. He’ll find us there.” I grabbed my jacket and gestured for him to follow me towards the door.

Alister kept his body between Alexander and us, and I nodded my thanks.

“You can’t let him leave. I’ve been keeping him here all day,” Alexander said through his teeth. “He’ll fucking disappear into a goddamn alley, and none of us will see him again.”

“Don’t let him follow.”

Alister nodded, putting both his hands on Alexander’s arms when he tried to shove past. “If you follow them, so help me God, we will all fucking walk out.”

That stopped Alexander in his tracks.

“We’re on the twentieth floor. Are you nuts?” River said, surprise coming through his tone when I went up instead of down.

I pushed out onto the roof and went right to the edge. He stayed somewhere behind me while I took a seat with my legs hanging over the edge.

“I don’t know how to go forward and not be miserable.”

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