Page 2 of Pretty Black

“Let’s do it, but my same argument stands. I don’t think there is a place on the planet no one knows you.”

“So what you’re telling me is there is no escape?” He met my eyes. How angelic he looked.

I didn’t deserve him. No one deserved Iris Rose. “There isn’t an escape, but I want there to be reasons for it to be worth figuring out.”

“What reasons? All I see is this fucking black hole I created. Every choice I make seems to sink me further into this goddamn hole.” His words came hollow and true.

I cradled his jaw and brought his lips to mine. “You are that reason. This, right here. We are the reason. You are the reason. I’m selfish, but there are others, too.”

“What other reasons? I can’t see any of them.” He kissed me again.

“You are music. You love it. Our fans love it. Who do you want to be at the end of this, Iris? Do you want to be the dead rock star everyone mourns? Or the one still creating at seventy years old that everyone still loves.”

“How the fuck do I get there? Please tell me because I can’t figure it out.” His entire body shook with the honesty of the question. He wanted a way out, but I didn’t know how to give it to him.

“We will figure it out. I will figure it out.” A lofty promise, but what other choice did I have? I didn’t want to relive this moment for eternity and not know I did all I could. Maybe I finally understood some of Iris’ pain with his brother. “Please come down. Please.” I’d fucking beg if he made me. No shame remained in my bones. I needed him to live.

“I love you,” Iris slurred his words. “I don’t want you to hurt in all the ways I do.” He exhaled and stepped off the edge. “I don’t trust myself not to hurt you.”

“What does that mean?”

“I’m on top of a fucking roof. What do you think it means? I’m going to ruin your life when I can’t stand it anymore. I’m like a bomb that you have to handle with care, and one day, for no fucking reason, it’s going to go off, and I don’t want to take any of you with me. I don’t want to be a black mark on your life, and I don’t know how to avoid it other than pushing all of you away.”

“That’s not your choice. We don’t get to choose who we hurt when we die. I already care about you, Iris, for fuck’s sake. I’ve loved you for seven fucking years. It doesn’t matter when you go off; I’m still getting a goddamn chest full of shrapnel.” I fell silent, not sure what else I could say.

“I keep hurting you. And I always will. You’d be better off not knowing me.”

“I don’t believe that. I think I’m better for knowing you. You taught me so much about love and forgiveness. You made me kinder and softer. You showed me what unconditional love is. You have had a profound effect on me.”

“I’ve tried so many times to find a way to apologize for dying before you’re ready for me to leave. How fucked up is that? And every time I think about writing you a letter to apologize, I replay my brother’s last words to me. The voicemail. How much it haunts me, but how I’d never have it any other way. I want to destroy myself, not the guys, not you. Especially not you. I wish you didn’t love me so this didn’t have to be painful for you, too. I don’t want to do to you what my brother’s death did to me.” He rambled, not making full sense.

I hugged him tighter. “Isolating yourself is only going to bring it about faster. You don’t have to let me in, but you should let River or Alister in. None of us want you dead.”

“What if it’s unavoidable?” Sobs shook his body.

I closed my eyes, breathing him in. “Then I’ll love you until your final breath, but I’m not going to stop asking for one more day.”

* * *

Iris slept. Passed out from the cocktail of pills and alcohol. He wouldn’t wake for hours, but I couldn’t sleep. I didn’t want to sleep ever again. When I closed my eyes, I saw him on the roof.

I shook with tears. Sobbed silently into my pillow. Screamed silently. Battled with myself. Was it wrong to stop him? I’d drown in my guilt if the grief didn’t get me first.

And worse, I didn’t know how to fix my shit by the time he woke.

How did I put my mask back on and pretend to be okay with what I knew?

It felt impossible. The weight of it too much to bear. But I couldn’t add more weight onto him, and I couldn’t tell anyone else. Not and risk losing his trust again. I had to carry this alone.

I was on this lonely road alone, and I had to make peace with it.

He was worth it, and I wouldn’t let myself screw it up again. I wanted to be his sanctuary.

Our souls were too tangled to be done with one another.

We’d collide and collide and drown in the abyss, meant to repeat these memories.

Could we get it right?

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